Educating

November is National Adoption Month and I try to do something positive each November. This year I decided to approach a guidance counselor at Hayley’s school about educating the teachers about positive adoption language as well as some of the educational challenges that adoptees can face in the classroom.

One teacher asked me why Hayley’s mom get rid of her - ahh, no one got rid of anyone.

Another asked where is her real mom - Gee, I’m right here and her first mom is a couple hours away. We are both real.

A teacher once told me he didn’t know how to deal with a project problem that I challenged him about because it didn’t have anyway for us to include her birth family in it - to his credit, he took my suggestions and changed the project

The same teacher said he’d never had a student who was adopted in his class in the seven years he was teaching. I told him I was sure he had, he just never had a family that was this open about it. Three kids in that very class turned out to be adopted - and one of the mother who adopted mentioned it because she saw stuff about Hayley’s birthfamily in her project.

My goal here is for teachers to be more sensitive to adoption, to use language that respects all parts of the triad and for them to be comfortable with children in open adoptions.

It took awhile but I got a call back from the guidance counselor who said she has run it past the principal and would love to talk more.

Therapy

We had some issues with Hayley sharing some of her abuse stories with people that she doesn’t need to tell. Other children don’t need to know these things. But it has been on her mind and she is clearly going through another growth spurt in her mind about everything.

We knew all along that she would go back into therapy as she grew up. At every stage she’ll need to sort the abuse out again. Plus with a lot of visits from people and a planned first visit in three years to her birthmom G coming up, she may need to sort things out again in her mind. Not necessarily a bad thing - perhaps a healthy one but something she needs someone else to talk to besides us. She is growing up and no matter how open I try to be, I know at times she is conscious she is talking to me about her first mom G and never wants to hurt me. We speak openly all the time and I’m actually developing a solid relationship with G, but that really doesn’t change the dynamic to a child.

I was tracking down therapists and we lucked out! Our most wonderful therapist from the adoption agency is now in private practice. She was amazing and phenomenal. Her support for us as a family was so amazing and her help for Hayley was key to her development.

So Hayley’s got someone to talk to freely and openly, someone we know has experience with adoption and abuse, with open adoption and with the parenting styles we like (since she hooked us up with them). Hayley was fine with going to therapy and down right thrilled to be seeing Jody. She isn’t on our insurance plan but to find a therapist you adore and trust, that is a specialist in what you need, that is in your city and that your kid loves - you’ll pay our of your pocket for that connection.

You ever watch that show Intervention on A&E? It’s about people struggling with addictions and their families try to get them to rehab. Each episode they do a family history and every time there is some key event where the addict is damaged. Every time the people mean well but the future addict doesn’t get help or resolve their issues. I watch the show a lot and I promised myself that Hayley wouldn’t be that person. That she’d get the best of help that we could get her as early on as we can. That we wouldn’t be the family who hid from things, who kept things secret or ignored the signs that she needed help.

She’s happy about it so all is well with that.

Lovely visits

I have been remiss about writing about two great visits.

First, we had Nana & Poppy who are Hayley’s grandparents through her birthmom visit. We had them stay at the house, which was a big step for us. They offered to stay in a hotel but I didn’t want them to waste their short time here with a hotel - it is much more fun to be in pajamas and playing around the house. We let them take her to the pool alone and I didn’t worry, I knew they were coming back and everything was fine. I just wanted them to have some time with her without us seemingly monitoring them.

So they got to see her world here - her home, her friends, her school, etc. And we had some good talks, Nana and I stayed up late talking about things. Mostly sharing stories but also sharing perspectives and becoming even better friends. It was a great visit.

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The next big visit was Hayley getting to see her birthdad D, her grandparents (his folks), her brothers and D’s wife. She hadn’t seen D more than a handful of short visits when she was young so this picnic in the park for several hours was a big step.

She was so scared he wouldn’t show up. She doesn’t really remember meeting him the last time when she was about five. It broke my heart for her to be so worried and I was glad she could sleep some in the car. We finally all got the park and D came up to see her. She looked up at him with those big blue eyes, wanting him to like her so badly. He scooped her up in his arms to hold her. I had to put on my sunglasses because I was tearing up.

She played soccer with him, ran around the playground and lake with her brothers, ate about five bites of food with her grandparents before running back off to play. We took lots of photos and it too was a great visit. They are nice people and we enjoying just hanging outside in great weather with them. They were easy to chat with and the kids had a ball. Hayley wanted to know him and her brothers so badly. I tell her all the time having more people to love you is a good thing and I think she is finally seeing that.

When we left, D and I had a chance to talk some. I told him I was proud of him for doing this. Stepping up to the plate isn’t the easiest thing. Opening yourself up this way is hard - he’s got issues to sort out with all of this as well. He’s a nice guy and he was really good to her. If he never does anything else again, just coming that day was one of the greatest gifts he could give her.

She has a mommy and daddy, that’s us but she has another mother and father who love her very much too, not to mention grandparents, brothers and sisters. The better relationships she has with them, the more she’ll know she was placed for her own good, out of love - not abandoned or rejected. And that they love her enough to keep being involved.

Open

I needed to shut the doors for awhile but I’m feeling better about opening it back up now. I might change my mind again, who knows.

This isn’t about any of our family groups, it is about something else that I don’t feel like really writing about.

I have a lot to catch up on here so I’ll try to get on all of that. I’ve removed the ton of photos and last names here. Just a few sporadic photos. I guess I’m moving more into a closed setting here.

Forward

The conference went well. Her grades and conduct are the best they’ve ever been. I’m really proud of her and she’s doing well. Clearly this all was the right decision - the grades are great but the conduct and happiness in the classroom shows she is where she needs to be. The teacher said it would help knowing them things are coming up for her that might be difficult for her to deal with overall.

Of course Hayley still calls me twice a week from school over perceived aches and pains but I do think she is happy in the classroom. She’s running to the teacher too often about things too but as I explained to the teacher we’ve worked really hard to instill faith in adults as well as the idea of if you need help get an adult. However at nine years old it is time to move to the next step in clarify things more in regards to what you need to go to an adult about for help but I can’t say I’m mad that she doesn’t hesitate to open her mouth and talk to adults. It is much easier to help a child who some days won’t stop talking and wears their emotions on their sleeves than a child that won’t share. We know what is up with her most of the time.

Last night she asked me if should she stopped telling people she is adopted. I told her no, not to fib about that  because it is wrong in general and because it negates the existence of her first family who does love her very much. She never ever needs to deny or hide that … but that she doesn’t need to tell people that all the time - we all should only share things about our lives when it is relevant. It’s great to share when friends are talking about siblings, to share an event about seeing a birthparent or sibling recently, when adoption comes up or you have something specific to share that relates to your birth families. Or really when she wants to share with a friend or family about it but she doesn’t need to share that all the time or use it as an excuse with friends and in school.

She doesn’t need to wear a nametag that says, “Hello I’m Adopted”. And I do think dialing that back some will help her be just Hayley for awhile.

It isn’t adoption overall that is the problem right now and I don’t want other children, especially  children who also were adopted, to feel like adoption is a negative thing. The core of her problems right now are due to the abuse and the ramifications of that which definitely included the adoption. Of course adoption is a huge part of this, grief and loss are tremendous things to deal with but it is only a part of the issue involved.

We talked about what to say when you are upset as well. I told her if she is upset, she can share the details with her counselor and teachers at school but she doesn’t need to give the lunch lady all the information. I helped her find her words to use to tell people when she is upset and she decided on, “I’m upset because of some things going on in my family”. I told her that isn’t a lie, all of us are her family and in fact that is what she is upset about. I used a goofy example to help. I told her if she were home from school because she was throwing up and a friend called her to play, I wouldn’t tell the friend she was puking - I would just say she was sick. Everyone doesn’t need to know ALL the details and being a bit more vague is not lying.

I hope that will help her to be more insulated from prying children who are pushing her for more information and by not getting upset when dragging out all the details. I’ve called several people I know for a recommendation for therapists and we are pursuing that avenue now.

A friend of mine just stopped by with his beautiful daughter to pick up some work stuff. I held this innocent angel of a baby and thought about how we all write on the slates of our children with our words and deeds - good and bad. Sometimes you can re-write things but like when you erase anything, there is always a trace left.

Sliding down

I came in to volunteer in Hayley’s classroom today. I do this every year and really enjoy it. I get to work with small groups of kids and goof off - well not REALLY goof off but make them laugh while they learn. I had a small group of kids who needed some extra math practice so we headed to the media center to work, of course Hayley tagged along even though she knew the material. The kids were sweet and were quickly chugging right along on their math with smiles.

I was faking my jocular mood. I arrived as the kids were still outside for recess and the teacher had some sobering news. Hayley had a meltdown at lunch, sobbing in the cafeteria about meeting her birthfather and brothers this weekend. The lunch ladies had to take her aside and get her teacher.

I found her outside jumping rope with friends and she didn’t want to talk about it then. We talked some at home. We talked about things to do when we are hurting and things to say so we don’t have to tell everything all the details of our lives because it then puts pressure on her to tell MORE than she needs to tell.

We think it just might be anxiety over it, which would be very valid. We waited until late last night to tell her about the visit and she was thrilled. Hayley is a kid that needs to know what is happening to her, you can’t just surprise a child that has been abused and neglected. They have power and control issues and need a chance to ready themselves for a situation. But I also didn’t want her over thinking things either. Sigh - how am I supposed to know what is the balance?

We’ll be there at 8 in the morning for a conference. Then I’ll come home and start calling therapists.

Calm after the storm

I’m a bit calmer this morning.

We’ve decided not to go talk to the parents who we suspect are keeping their kids away from Hayley. Could we say anything to change their minds - no, they’ve made their decision already about her. A rational parent would have come to us to talk about it. I am sorry that their children learned things from our child that they weren’t ready to learn. She knows better but we can’t take it back and if they want to judge a child, then so be it.

Now of course, any parent at the party with questions we are happy to talk to - more than willing to apologize and explain. We don’t know who all heard it all but if they contact the parent, I’ve already told her to send them my way as well as giving the parent information to tell them.

Hayley woke up late last night and came downstairs to see me as I finished working. We turned out the lights and talked. I find she is more honest when she doesn’t have to be seen. I think something about the dark frees us all. I asked her if something going on had made her think more about what had happened. She said she just was thinking about it more because things reminded her. I asked her what things and she couldn’t really find an answer.

I suppose this is just something that had to come up in her. That all the contact with people really opened up some doors in her mind. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know but maybe it is more of a necessary thing.

We talked about contact and she still wants to see and talk to people in her birthfamily, which is good and important. She said she’d like people to call once a month and not at the same time (I think she meant the same day really). I asked her if she wanted to see them all each a few times a year and she was happy about that idea.

I think she is just saying we need to manage things better. Keep her from being overloaded but also keep those connections going. Maybe we need to set up a schedule so everyone gets to talk to her but not at the same time.

By now it was 1am and she was laying on her back on top of me in the recliner. I asked her if she needed to talk about anything else. She of course just wanted to go to bed or get a snack. I asked her if she was ok, if she was happy. She rolled over, hugged me and said she was happy, she liked it here a lot and didn’t ever want to leave. And then came the most amazing thing from her little brain - she told me I didn’t need to be anyone but me and I was a very good mom. I tell her that about just being herself regularly (as well as she doesn’t need to be anything but nine). It was very strange to her say it back to me but she seemed to know how upset I was over everything, already picking up on my ability to blame myself when all things bad happen.

I vetoed the snack idea and we decided to go to bed. She slept like a rock.

Explosion

Things have shattered as of tonight. So many small signals we didn’t take seriously enough have exploded into a huge situation.

She has been telling people about the sexual abuse. It became pretty darn clear when a parent drove over to our house today to tell us how Hayley told people at a birthday party about what happened. She managed to tell a kid who she fights with all the time so I’m sure that’s going to come out at school now. Several other kids were there too and they all went to their parents confused.

After lying repeatedly, it all came tumbling out that she had told other people as well. She also has been adding more to the story, adding fake details as well.

She’s just been thinking about it more since many people in her birth family have been interacting with her. This has been too much, too fast for her. There are too many people emailing and calling more than she needs. I hate to say that but she just needs to be HAYLEY for awhile, not adopted Hayley, not abused Hayley. Just a CHILD. Some people are going to be pissed and I’m sorry but we are going to have to structure things to protect and insulate her more.

I am so tired of trying to tape this child’s psych back together. I am so tired of watching her hurt and lash out. She’s exploded today and already hurt me physically, throwing things, already mouthing off and calling names. She is in pain and we feel like we are in a war zone with shrapnel flying. I love her and I’ll never ever stop trying to help her but I’m so furious about her past right now.

Visiting

We had a visit from Hayley’s maternal birth grandparents. They came up from Florida and stayed the night with us on their way back to see their family. The visit went well. Most of what I was afraid was the unknown I know now. We let them have a lot of time alone, even leaving the house to go to the pool, which was slightly scary at times but I knew I could trust them.

We talked about some things I know Hayley will want to know - first words, first steps, etc. Hayley was great - lovely manners and very polite. She mouthed off once but curbed herself quickly with one look and word from me. We took them to her school, around where we eat/shop/etc and had our neighbors come over because Hayley talks about them so much. So they got to see her life and they’ll know where and what she is talking about when she tells them things.

The whole thing was scary but turned out well. We really had nothing to be scared about.

First horse show

Hayley’s first horse show went really well. She had three sections in her class, she took a first (blue ribbon!) and two second places. Then 2nd place overall, which is called reserve champion and she got a bowl for that. She loved it and wasn’t even nervous. She got there and took off - had no need for me, just wanted to find her friend and help with the horses.

I don’t know squat about any of this but I liked it to for some random reasons:

1. Good crowd of kids. Nice polite kids with good manners. Great influence.
2. Nice clothes. A preppie onslaught which thrills me to no end. My kind of people - the women wear caps, either boots or sturdy shoes and fun grosgrain belts. I can’t wait to wear duck boots and not look out of place.
3. Kids are poised and have great posture. You can’t minimize the benefits as you get older with those two.
4. Smart outfits to buy for Hayley. I can’t wait to get her a blazer and some blue oxford shirts.
5. You have to work with horses. Tacking, cleaning, etc. You have to take care of the animal. Chores are important.
6. Watching my child so unflappable up there and my admiration for her being able to do that since I surely cannot.

Don’t like - horse poop smell, horseflies.