One of those nights

She has this internal anger that is very hard to control. Her first reaction to many things is violence. I fear she saw too much of it before and still in her subconscious reacts without her even thinking. She has never been hit once here but she still reacts with such escalated anger.

Tonight she hit me, bit me, scratched and sprayed a chemical cleaner at my hand, which was covering my face. This was actually something going on with her and Jeff over a mess she had mad but so much of the physical violence is directed at me as is typical in children with her issues. We don’t flinch but it is unacceptable to harm me. She begs for me when she is angry, sits on me crying and seething. She says she’s done nothing but when I tell her I love her always however I won’t reduce her punish or absolve her, a switch can just flip and she’s furious again. We all know she did things - it was only five minutes ago she was harming me. She may hate it but deep down she is begging for boundaries and limits.

She always feels horrible after, always just wants to be held and cries. She begs for forgiveness. We continue to work on her learning to identify her feelings, express feelings with words and find other alternatives to violence. She isn’t violent at school and she has been less and less violent over the past four weeks, so I know she can make headway on this. I don’t expect her anger to just be *gone* but I worry about this cataclysmic violence.

I’ve been reading several books again that were helpful and some books by the same authors (more Love and Logic books and their connected authors). I’ve got my reminders need by on how to respond to things and I’ve been feeling really good about how I’m dealing with things - doesn’t mean the outcome is always good. This is about management, not erasure. This is a journey, not a sprint.

I’ve gotten two goodnight hugs and a small chipper voice just told me goodnight again from the top of the stairs. I think she just wants to know I am still here. I am still here.

Therapy

We had some issues with Hayley sharing some of her abuse stories with people that she doesn’t need to tell. Other children don’t need to know these things. But it has been on her mind and she is clearly going through another growth spurt in her mind about everything.

We knew all along that she would go back into therapy as she grew up. At every stage she’ll need to sort the abuse out again. Plus with a lot of visits from people and a planned first visit in three years to her birthmom G coming up, she may need to sort things out again in her mind. Not necessarily a bad thing - perhaps a healthy one but something she needs someone else to talk to besides us. She is growing up and no matter how open I try to be, I know at times she is conscious she is talking to me about her first mom G and never wants to hurt me. We speak openly all the time and I’m actually developing a solid relationship with G, but that really doesn’t change the dynamic to a child.

I was tracking down therapists and we lucked out! Our most wonderful therapist from the adoption agency is now in private practice. She was amazing and phenomenal. Her support for us as a family was so amazing and her help for Hayley was key to her development.

So Hayley’s got someone to talk to freely and openly, someone we know has experience with adoption and abuse, with open adoption and with the parenting styles we like (since she hooked us up with them). Hayley was fine with going to therapy and down right thrilled to be seeing Jody. She isn’t on our insurance plan but to find a therapist you adore and trust, that is a specialist in what you need, that is in your city and that your kid loves - you’ll pay our of your pocket for that connection.

You ever watch that show Intervention on A&E? It’s about people struggling with addictions and their families try to get them to rehab. Each episode they do a family history and every time there is some key event where the addict is damaged. Every time the people mean well but the future addict doesn’t get help or resolve their issues. I watch the show a lot and I promised myself that Hayley wouldn’t be that person. That she’d get the best of help that we could get her as early on as we can. That we wouldn’t be the family who hid from things, who kept things secret or ignored the signs that she needed help.

She’s happy about it so all is well with that.

Yank

I was thinking about how quickly time was going by these days. Things are taking a turn for the better in general, the new meds seem to be helping, at least in the short term. In her last swim meet, Hayley had two sixth places, two fourths, a third and then she won her heat in the butterfly!

To counter balance the good news, Hayley has some upcoming medical stuff with her toenails. When she came to us her toenails had odd striations, peeling layers and in grown in some places. Her teeth were pretty bad as well - four cavities to file and caps already on her front teeth. Somewhere along the line, a lot of things got missed. We did all the repairs on her teeth quickly but we hoped the toenails would get better with well fitting shoes, good hygiene and care with a good diet.

It helped some but not enough so we went to the doctor. She said that normally we might have had a chance to heal them with taking care of them but that they were too far gone with neglect for us to have fixed it. She thinks Hayley might have mild psoriasis which caused the striping but that the issues were too far reaching otherwise. So as soon as swim team ends, they’ll take off both toenails. It should be at a least a week before school starts and good few weeks before soccer. It’ll take six months to grow them back in but they shouldn’t hurt anymore about 3-4 days after they come out. She is taking it well - as well as a nine year old can about getting a shot in her toe and losing two nails.

I’m not interested in pointing fingers, I’m just sad for her. I’m sad she’s had to go through so many emotional and physical issues at this age that most kids never will.

Evening

Things are evening out a bit. She is still pretty frustrately way too easily but she’s not spoiling for a fight and cursing me out. Small victories count too!

Post-doc

The meeting with the doctor went well and as I posted, he thinks we are moving down that bi-polar path. We are transitioning her meds to a more traditional bi-polar series of meds and we’ll go from there. In the end, we’ll actually end up taking LESS number of meds so that is a good thing. In kids, ADD and bi-polar can look a lot like each other so this could really be a big help for dealing with what might or might now be the ADD situation.

She did her best with the doctor but really just wanted to curl up next to me and avoid it. We talk so much about it being a safe zone where we just talk to help everyone out but it is still hard for her. And in a way that is a good thing - having remorse for your actions is a good sign (versus not caring about your past bad behavior).

We had to cancel her spending time up at her grandparents house in VA at the end of the week and I’m sorry for that. She would have had fun and I’d enjoy the break some too since things have been so nutty. Hopefully we’ll do it later.

I’ve been cross referencing recommendations on therapists with insurance coverage - a truly not fun thing. I’m going to start making some calls to see what will work out best. Even if the meds help, I do want her to have someone to talk to and work out her feelings.

Rage on..

We are trying hard to mitigate these rage cycles. They start over nothing important and she can’t seem to stop once she gets started. We’ve talked a lot afterwards and she cries as she apologizes and clings to me. She tells me she can’t stop.

Monday has us going back to the psychiatrist to work on her medications. I’ve talked to her former therapist, about finding a new therapist to handle some more therapy. I love her, she is one of the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. She is a fantastic therapist with a refreshing sense of humor and great way of working with kids (and parents). I could never do her job.

She listened to me choke up and blubber out what was up for an hour and we aren’t even a client of hers anymore. Of course, she faxed me names of therapists and more info, told me books to get and even sent a book for Hayley to read which arrived today (The Storm in My Mind).

Most of what she does is just listen and let people vent, cry or whatever they need to do. Then she helps you focus on where to go from here. I knew some of what she was going to say and of course, she wasn’t saying anything for sure, just trying to direct me towards what to look for in terms of more resources. It wasn’t a shock, I’d heard that it was a probable diagnosis from the psychiatrist and matched up the symptoms in the books I’d read.

We aren’t rushing to it, I find diagnosis of a specific mental health term can be limiting. No one medication can help with all problems. A diagnosis can help you categorize a group of symptoms, give a doctor an idea where to start but you still have to treat the PERSON, not the term. Medicine can’t solve it all anyway, we still have to help her LIVE, help her thrive as a person with the medication.

Bi-polar. Bi-polar. There, I’ve said it. That is what I suspect she has. She is already taking a medication that has some efficacy with that but I think we’ll have to change the quantity or type. Some of you mind not like labeling but that isn’t what I’m doing. I want to get her the best help we can, we are pursuing medical management, therapeutic and life adaptations for this. We intend to approach this as holistically and with as much respect for who she is as a person, with as little medicine as we can give her to help her be the person she can be.

In a sign from the universe, a wonderful teenager Hayley and I love, recently told me that she has ADD and bi-polar, which is what I suspect will be Hayley’s diagnosis. She is a well adjusted normal teen with friends, she is bright, athletic and sure of herself - and comfortable with her mental health enough to share and even offer to talk to Hayley about taking medicine. She was diagnosed at the exact same age, even in the same class with same teacher that Hayley had this year. I exhale when I think of this young lady and I hope we can do for Hayley what this young lady’s parents have done for her.

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To my friend Jen, thanks for posting your kind thoughts. I wish the best for you and Noah!