moms, part I

For a lot of reasons, Hayley hasn’t spoken to her first mom G since the fall of 2004 since they spoke at her goodbye meeting after the TPR was done. They exchanged cards, letters, gifts and emails but that was the extent of it. I knew G was not happy because other people were getting to talk to and in some cases see Hayley.

The levels of contact with Hayley are something I manage very closely, with input from her former therapist, her psychiastrist and others. Then I talked it out with Jeff and sometimes even my mom about the impact, etc. I have a very specific plan and guidelines for contact, we call them ‘baby steps’ and even Hayley understands them.

Until more recently, I didn’t think Hayley was ready for that and her therapist agreement. Plus her birth mom wasn’t taking advantage of the options she DID have to contact Hayley, so adding more wasn’t something I was going to do.

Last year I send her first mom a tough letter about what she needed to do to be a bigger part of Hayley’s life. It was pretty harsh but it was valid. It was about having regular consistent contact with letters or emails, about what was acceptable to talk about and what needed to happen. At the same time, other people in G’s life were telling her the same things - people who had already established that they understood the rules of contact.

G really took it to heart and her response was excellent. Regular acceptable letters started coming and Hayley was really happy. It made me happy too, I even sent G a gift certificate to shutterfly.com so she could print more of the photos off our website - just sort of to encourage the good direction.

After about four months, I knew it was time to consider where to go with this. Could we step up the level to phone calls? My #1 guiding principle is HOW WILL THIS AFFECT HAYLEY? I decided to think hard about it, talk to my support system and watch for signs.

The biggest sign was a call from school on Wednesday that she loved me but missed G too and she was sad. I think it was over birthday party planning stuff but I’m not sure what triggered it. She has never done that before but I was glad she feels she can express herself honestly to me about G and that she can express her feelings in general!

I have a lot of conflicted feelings on several levels. I don’t want to share her but just by her existence in this world, I must. I supposed I could have been one of those mothers who pretended our daughter wasn’t adopted or ignored her birth family. But we’ve allowed everyone else into her life from her birth family except her first mom after they’ve agreed to our terms.

On the other hand, I cannot imagine how G must feel knowing her child is in the world and she can’t reach out and touch her. I will never know her role in what happened to Hayley. I thank her for carrying and keeping Hayley but so many other things happened to this child that I can’t understand.

My mother says I have to stop thinking that everyone in the world thinks and feels like I do. I may be a tough cookie but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry at the drop of a hat. Emotions take a toll on me.

I talked to Jeff and we felt like G had done what we had asked her to do and this was the best thing for Hayley. So I picked up the phone and called G to talk to see if we could set something up.

Goodbye Jason aka Ramses

I don’t know how many of you know the story but the student who plays the UNC mascot was hit this weekend walking to his hotel from a convenience store. He was with the Carolina men’s basketball team in New Jersey and suffered a freak car accident, which eventually took his life on Tuesday morning.

His name was Jason Ray and he was a senior who by all accounts was just amazing. An Eagle Scout and devout Christian with a 3.6 gpa and a job lined up after graduation - just starting his American Dream. He loved being the UNC mascot, he told people since this was his senior year he was going to just ham it up and be as crazy as he could.

Outside of just running into him at games all the time, our special connection to him was that he did Hayley’s birthday party last year. It is about time for her next birthday and it just hit us so hard. I had to tell her because all her soccer friends and parents were at the party last year - and she had a soccer game on Saturday, so I had to break the news that he was hit and very ill.

She was upset. She cried and asked a lot of questions. I told her we should pray as much as we can for God to look after him and his family. She named a stuffed animal after him and seemed down for awhile. She has a lot of questions about how and what happened. I tried to spare her the worst.

By the next day when things looked very bad, she asked if she could go to his funeral if he passed away. I didn’t want to consider that but then he did passed away on Tuesday. I knew it was coming by the things they were saying and as much as I love Carolina, his accident made me so much less concerned about the NCAA games. I always get emotional at the end of the season. I’ve been attached to the senior basketball players in some case for six years - watching them in HS and college, picking our favorites, meeting them, photos, games, autographs. The cycle has gone on for me since I was small and Hayley does it now too. The first player she ever met, ever took a photo with is graduating - Reyshawn Terry. She cried over his departure, she cried over Ramses. We just had a cry-fest for awhile over it all.

Our contact with Jason wasn’t very extensive but he was magnetic that afternoon. Hysterical, wonderful and the kids adored him. He did things in that Ramses suit I was sure I couldn’t even do in my own body. When he went down the big inflatable slide at Pump It Up, I nearly wet my pants laughing. He was the highlight of the party.

My heart is broken for his family and friends. Keep them in your prayers

Glide

After an absence of many months, we had been getting weekly letters from Hayley’s birth mom for about six to eight weeks but they seem to have stopped for the past month. Weekly was a bit much for Hayley so I would read them every two weeks if she was up for that, sometimes she isn’t.

Soon we need to set up a playdate with her half-sister R. The last one was a series of cancelled meetings - the most recently because I was sick as a dog for ten days. Now we have run into basketball post-season and outdoor soccer which means our lives revolve around a bracket and schedule.

Lately Hayley doesn’t want to talk about adoption much. She doesn’t want to listen to news stories on adoption either. She has emailed some with birth family members and doesn’t mind talking about specific people in her birth family but she doesn’t want to deal with the concept of birth family right now. I’m giving her space and respecting that at times she might not want to talk about things but she knows she can talk about it openly with me and we’ve got photos of people in her room and our library.

Maybe everyone is taking a small break - the natural ebb and flow of relationships. We all fought so hard to get to this point - which is a very good point in most respects - that everyone now just wants to glide for awhile.

Soccer girl

originally uploaded by michelle hillison.

Outdoor soccer games started again this weekend. Five seasons with the same team, so many of the girls have become her friends.

Soccer was the first activity we started her in, just two months after she arrived in our home. I was so tenative to tell people and the few that found out could not believe how bonded we were already. I was worried I was an interloper in their mother-daughter world.

Over the years but showing only recently, she has learned the joy of teamwork in a way her other sports have yet to be able to communicate. It was been wonderful to watch her out on the field this past game, trying to set up plays. She’s a great point guard and I think we are seeing the overlap now in soccer with wanting to diagram each situation. [I hope this translates to school and she wants to set up a game plan there too!]

The team played hard with the seven players who could make it. In 6v6 soccer, when you have seven and the opponent has 12, the result is usually pretty grim. However she had three lovely shots that just didn’t connect. They lose a lot but that’s ok. She takes her queues from us and if we don’t get upset, she’s fine.

I’ve take a huge step back in terms of how I act at the games. I’m quieter and more positive. I don’t push her, I can’t make her love sports like I do, I can just expose her to them as they were to me.

[And on this lovely Sunday, a hearty Tar Heels chant. Gimme a U, Gimme a N, Gimme a C... GO Heels GO!]

baby showers

I hated baby showers since I was trying to conceive. It just seemed like a cruel joke that everyone else got to get pregnant - some by mistake and I had to buy them a gift! I think what upset me most was the feeling of failure, like my body was an out of control vending machine. Maybe it was the questions - ‘oh you’ve been married since 98, when will you have a baby?’

I know that no one meant to hurt me, they just were including me in the mix. I wanted so badly in my heart of hearts to be the one the shower was for, to be the one talking about names, due dates, symptoms and nurseries. Instead I was the one getting shots from my husband, have horrible ultrasounds all the time, going through the monthly defeats my body dealt me.

Not long ago, we went to a shower for a friend. It was small and comfy, and we could bring our kids so we had a great time. For the first time in so long, I was happy to be going. I found myself in a toy store just thrilled about the shower, buying things left and right. It hit me later - I was going to the shower as a member of the moms’ club, not the outsider.

I used to seeth with anger at some people for having babies. Even if they didn’t deserve the animosity, I certainly was sure I deserved the baby more. But this time I wasn’t even jealous of my friend soon to have a baby. I would have loved to have had Hayley as a baby but only Hayley, not any other baby.  I wouldn’t make that trade.

I realized this shower helped me with a lot of healing, with understanding how far I’ve come to putting my heart back to get and how much I love my little family.

swimming upstream but i’ll make it

The past 48 hours has been one of those series of days when the tide has been against me. I feel like I’m swimming upstream. Too many commitments to fulfill, a headache, two dogs needing surgery for over $2,000 (who even knew dogs has ACLs to tear), parent teacher conferences, soccer, my mom’s upcoming 60th birthday, school issues, work issues and more. I cried several times just as a release

Tonight I was beaten down and tired. I dragged Hayles out to dinner because I was too dead on my feet to cook. I surely love to eat but this was more about just filling up than enjoying it. It is hard not to chuckle with her so we did have fun.

Jeff was away at his CPA review and came home about 10pm. Hayley had fallen asleep in my arms about 9pm and I managed to move her to the couch about 9:30. She slept through his coming home, eating dinner and watching the news. But the minute he scooped her up in his arms, she woke up enough to wrap her arms around his neck and smile because her daddy was home.

Moments when he’s got her in his arms make me fall in love with him all over again. There is something so strong and manly about a guy carrying a little girl in pink pjs with a pink blanket wrapped around her. He is the protector of her - he’s my protector too in many ways. I love him more today than I did when I married him.

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I need to continue to remember the good things and allow them to guide me in making my decisions for the future.

Opening doors on New Year’s Eve

New Year’s is usually a low key thing here. For the past six or so years, I’ve been working at a three-day basketball tournament between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Three days of 12 hour days and six or seven basketball games back to back will have me running on empty.

So curled up on the couch last night on New Year’s Eve we sat down to touch base with some of our extended family. We had calls to return and make, so we hit speakerphone and got out our call list. Between going to Disney for a week, the holidays and the basketball tournament, we had been gone more than we’d been in it felt like!

We spoke to both of Hayley’s grandmothers and one of her aunts on her birthfamilies’ sides. We missed talk to them after Christmas due to scheduling and then being gone, so it was very important to talk to them and she enjoys it.

One of Hayley’s grandmothers asked if she could three-way call in her birthdad. I froze for a minute. It wasn’t something I was ready to do right then but I knew in my heart that Hayley was ready for the chat. It has been almost four years since she had spoke to him when she was about five. That was one of the few times she had even seen him because he didn’t know he was her birthfather for the first three years of her life.

I spoke to him first about how things should be handled and I knew his mother had done the same. She was shy at first but perked up some, especially went getting to talk to one of her little brothers for the first time. We talked about sports, Disney, school and all the basic things you chat with relatives about on the phone.

She ended the call with saying, “It was good to hear your voice” to her birthdad. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew we’d done the right thing letting her talk to him. I got an email from her grandmother today where she said he called back to talk to her after the chat and cried over talking to her.

I worried about my husband. I’ve been dealing the emotional ramifications of being the ’second mother’ but this was the first real tangible interaction with someone else who was her father too. Jeff is pretty strong emotionally and said it didn’t bother him. He was quick to chime in how great her comment about hearing her birthdad’s voice was to have made. I’ll have to take him at his word it didn’t bug him.

Tough letter

I sent a tough letter to Hayley’s first mom. She keeps weaving in and out of Hayley’s life, which is hard on a small child. Her letters often have inappropriate things in them - things that can place a huge burden on Hayley. I know she means well but those are issues she has to resolve without involving an eight year old.

This all was triggered by a letter to us where she asked if we still want her involved in Hayley’s life. Of course we do and we’ve tried to communicate that! However, I have to be honest that it irked me to get that letter when she hasn’t bothered to communicate with Hayley in four months. That’s a hugely long time for a child, a child who worries already. Her first mom wants more contact but she isn’t even using the contact options she has for now - email and letters. Her focus still seems to be on her loss and needs. I can’t imagine what her loss feels like but it still has to be something she takes care of on her own. I have to think about Hayley’s needs first.

I challenged her to come with a plan that she can stick to in terms of being involved in Hayley’s life. I told her to stop making excuses for things with us. She keeps telling us to send her photos but ignores my repeated messages to her that she can get the photos from the website and that I just can’t send out photos to everyone involved as often as they want. Hence I’ve posted them so they all can get all the photos they want, without waiting for me to even send them! That should be a good thing. I told her she might want to get some counseling to help her work through some of these issues. I said that with the admission that I’ve been to counseling and how great it was for Hayley.

I don’t think I’m super adoptive mother but I’ve tried hard and spend a lot of time on relationships with all of her first families. I’m not trying to demean or push her away, I’m trying to get the message to her of what is needed and acceptable to deal with Hayley. I want her to come up with a plan that brings them together and I want her to stick with that. Hayley’s therapist said I need to be ready if she does come up with a good plan where she does follow all the steps needed. I am ready, I will open things up for her more. I’m not dangling some carrot to be cruel, I’m trying to protect Hayley’s sensitive heart and soul.

I know she might read this and that’s fine. She’s already responded to my email/letter but didn’t seem to get the point of what I’m trying to say. So I hope she does see this and work on a plan to communicate with Hayley more and more.

For those of you who want to challenge me about this and about why other people have more access to Hayley, you need to take into account that this was an adoption through foster care. That things are not the same as an infant adoption. There is trauma, memories and issues to be resolved. The social workers wanted this closed except for contact with her sisters. We’ve opened things up slowly but for us as you go closer to the center of this adoption, we need to go slower and slower for Hayley.

We’ve had a lot of success for Hayley with bringing her first family into her “present” family - they are really just ‘family’ after all. I’ve become friends with Hayley’s wonderful birth grandmother, we talk and email regularly. We hope to see her in the near future. We’ve had two awesome visits with Hayley’s middle half-sister and really enjoy her adoptive parents. We’ve found Hayley’s birthdad and opened communications with him - after four years of no talking. We’ve gotten to meet his lovely mother and sister, and they’ve shared so much with Hayley. I’ve got the website with a constant stream of photos, I post a newsletter there. I feel like I’ve made a very good faith effort to open this adoption as much as is healthy for Hayley.

I want to include Hayley’s first mom in that paragraph of successes we’ve had. I hope I’ve communicated that to her with this letter. My challenge to her is to take those steps.

Affair of the heart

Today we did Valentine’s Day cards for class and the last to send out to friends and family. I bought cute items to send to her two half-sisters and she helped pick out several cards to send to family. I tried to be low key about it all and let her decide who got what.

Of course that didn’t work because she basically put off everything, not wanting to write all the names for the cards for her class. They are having a big party on Valentine’s Day that ties into something they are studying, so I helped out with a bunch of fun stuff for the party. Once she saw that, I got her in the Valentine’s mood.

She has this stack of cards and asks me what to do with them. We go over the usual suspects and I mention her birth grandmother and birth mother. Her birth grandmother has been very supportive so she was all for sending her a card. However, she was very hesitant about sending one to her firstmom who has been pretty absent from her life due to illness and some reasons we don’t know. I could be snotty and say her birthmom has been MIA because she simply wanted to be but I’m trying hard to not be judgemental - even in my own head.

HH cut her eyes at me and says no, she doesn’t want to send a card. She is looking for a reaction from me. I just stay neutral and say ok. I told her we had a card if she wanted to send it but she didn’t have to. When I seemed to give her permission, she immediately wanted to send it.

She asked me what to put on the card, should she put her birthmom’s first name (for background she usually calls her by her first name or ‘momma’ first name)? I shrugged vaguely and said whatever you want. She cut her eyes to me again and said I’m going to write Mom ok? I smiled and said fine fine.

Yes, it was fine really. Inside my heart stung a bit, part of me wants to be the ‘alpha mom’ and wants her to forget her birthmom. It is a mean thought, I know that. I’m not a saint and I’m not going to pretend I don’t get jealous or have really crappy feelings. I’m an only child who sucks are sharing. I don’t act on them and that is the key. Having those feelings are pretty natural, you just have to get past them and do the right thing.

I know if she has her first family in her life, she will grow up healthier. Having them in her life let’s her really believe that she wasn’t dumped and disregarded, she was placed for adoption because they loved her enough to make the decision to let go. I want her to be a whole person, not one with big gaps in her heart.

She can call her firstmom ‘mom’ and that is ok. Her birthmom is her mom - she gave birth to her and I will always be grateful that she made the choice to carry this child.

Mom is really just a word and every day I grow more confident of my role as her mother and need titles less.

Missing mail

An envelope came from DSS to my daughter and I was so hoping it was something from her first mother for Christmas. When you go through an intermediary, you learn to be flexible about the time frame of holidays and special occasions. Two to four weeks late can be pretty common for gifts and letters. Social workers do their best to get packages out but there is no question that they are completely swamped.

Her birthgrandmother sent her great stuff as did one of her sisters. She was thrilled with the gifts and the look on her face is as if someone turned on a light inside her. We try to do our part as well, we sent gifts to most of the circle of her first family. Nothing big, just small stuff that we felt was personal or meaningful.

I pick up the card and open it. I will open any card from DSS to her until she is older. Sometimes, things must be filtered or explained in terms she can process.

No luck. The card was a thank you note with photos from her sister for her gift. Nothing from her birthmother. This happened on her birthday last year too. She has send two letters over the past nine months so that is something positive and we are appreciative of that. But she has promised gifts that never come and that is unfair to do to a child.

My daughter waits for gifts that appear to be not coming and I know deep in her heart she grieves. When she asks me if I still write her birthmother, I tell her I do. I try not to inject to many ideas into the discussion. I let her talk and cry if she needs to do, I am there for her - present in this moment and strong enough to hear her words. I tell her how wonderful she is and about all the other people in her life who love her. I remind her that her firstmother loved her too. And that no, it isn’t fair. And yes, she is loved very much.