The here and now …

I got an email asking me to please think about posting again but I’m still unsure of how I feel about posting. Hayley’s life is more and more her own each day. I still talk about adoption regularly and about how we are managing ours but again there are more people involved that I don’t want to harm or complicate matters with.

Hayley is growing like a weed and doing well. She’s ten now and really well-adjusted these days. Her grades are very good, she’s still playing sports and she’s funnier and smarter every day I think.

Our adoption is still open but it is more driven by her desires now that what I feel we ’should’ do. I’m one of those people who gets stuck in the ’shoulds’ sometimes and I had to step back, with the help of Hayley and her therapist, and make sure I’m hearing what she has to say about the level of contact with her birth family. She is able to actually express how she feels about things pretty well - I’m very proud she is able to put her thoughts and feelings into words at this age. She’s happy, she doesn’t want to lose anyone and she knows they are there so she’s freed from some of her worries.

We continue to grow and learn all the time about ourselves as parents and the stewards of this journey with Hayley. She teaches us a lot too.

I love her and we are all fine. Thanks for asking.

Therapy

We had some issues with Hayley sharing some of her abuse stories with people that she doesn’t need to tell. Other children don’t need to know these things. But it has been on her mind and she is clearly going through another growth spurt in her mind about everything.

We knew all along that she would go back into therapy as she grew up. At every stage she’ll need to sort the abuse out again. Plus with a lot of visits from people and a planned first visit in three years to her birthmom G coming up, she may need to sort things out again in her mind. Not necessarily a bad thing - perhaps a healthy one but something she needs someone else to talk to besides us. She is growing up and no matter how open I try to be, I know at times she is conscious she is talking to me about her first mom G and never wants to hurt me. We speak openly all the time and I’m actually developing a solid relationship with G, but that really doesn’t change the dynamic to a child.

I was tracking down therapists and we lucked out! Our most wonderful therapist from the adoption agency is now in private practice. She was amazing and phenomenal. Her support for us as a family was so amazing and her help for Hayley was key to her development.

So Hayley’s got someone to talk to freely and openly, someone we know has experience with adoption and abuse, with open adoption and with the parenting styles we like (since she hooked us up with them). Hayley was fine with going to therapy and down right thrilled to be seeing Jody. She isn’t on our insurance plan but to find a therapist you adore and trust, that is a specialist in what you need, that is in your city and that your kid loves - you’ll pay our of your pocket for that connection.

You ever watch that show Intervention on A&E? It’s about people struggling with addictions and their families try to get them to rehab. Each episode they do a family history and every time there is some key event where the addict is damaged. Every time the people mean well but the future addict doesn’t get help or resolve their issues. I watch the show a lot and I promised myself that Hayley wouldn’t be that person. That she’d get the best of help that we could get her as early on as we can. That we wouldn’t be the family who hid from things, who kept things secret or ignored the signs that she needed help.

She’s happy about it so all is well with that.

Lovely visits

I have been remiss about writing about two great visits.

First, we had Nana & Poppy who are Hayley’s grandparents through her birthmom visit. We had them stay at the house, which was a big step for us. They offered to stay in a hotel but I didn’t want them to waste their short time here with a hotel - it is much more fun to be in pajamas and playing around the house. We let them take her to the pool alone and I didn’t worry, I knew they were coming back and everything was fine. I just wanted them to have some time with her without us seemingly monitoring them.

So they got to see her world here - her home, her friends, her school, etc. And we had some good talks, Nana and I stayed up late talking about things. Mostly sharing stories but also sharing perspectives and becoming even better friends. It was a great visit.

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The next big visit was Hayley getting to see her birthdad D, her grandparents (his folks), her brothers and D’s wife. She hadn’t seen D more than a handful of short visits when she was young so this picnic in the park for several hours was a big step.

She was so scared he wouldn’t show up. She doesn’t really remember meeting him the last time when she was about five. It broke my heart for her to be so worried and I was glad she could sleep some in the car. We finally all got the park and D came up to see her. She looked up at him with those big blue eyes, wanting him to like her so badly. He scooped her up in his arms to hold her. I had to put on my sunglasses because I was tearing up.

She played soccer with him, ran around the playground and lake with her brothers, ate about five bites of food with her grandparents before running back off to play. We took lots of photos and it too was a great visit. They are nice people and we enjoying just hanging outside in great weather with them. They were easy to chat with and the kids had a ball. Hayley wanted to know him and her brothers so badly. I tell her all the time having more people to love you is a good thing and I think she is finally seeing that.

When we left, D and I had a chance to talk some. I told him I was proud of him for doing this. Stepping up to the plate isn’t the easiest thing. Opening yourself up this way is hard - he’s got issues to sort out with all of this as well. He’s a nice guy and he was really good to her. If he never does anything else again, just coming that day was one of the greatest gifts he could give her.

She has a mommy and daddy, that’s us but she has another mother and father who love her very much too, not to mention grandparents, brothers and sisters. The better relationships she has with them, the more she’ll know she was placed for her own good, out of love - not abandoned or rejected. And that they love her enough to keep being involved.

Calm after the storm

I’m a bit calmer this morning.

We’ve decided not to go talk to the parents who we suspect are keeping their kids away from Hayley. Could we say anything to change their minds - no, they’ve made their decision already about her. A rational parent would have come to us to talk about it. I am sorry that their children learned things from our child that they weren’t ready to learn. She knows better but we can’t take it back and if they want to judge a child, then so be it.

Now of course, any parent at the party with questions we are happy to talk to - more than willing to apologize and explain. We don’t know who all heard it all but if they contact the parent, I’ve already told her to send them my way as well as giving the parent information to tell them.

Hayley woke up late last night and came downstairs to see me as I finished working. We turned out the lights and talked. I find she is more honest when she doesn’t have to be seen. I think something about the dark frees us all. I asked her if something going on had made her think more about what had happened. She said she just was thinking about it more because things reminded her. I asked her what things and she couldn’t really find an answer.

I suppose this is just something that had to come up in her. That all the contact with people really opened up some doors in her mind. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know but maybe it is more of a necessary thing.

We talked about contact and she still wants to see and talk to people in her birthfamily, which is good and important. She said she’d like people to call once a month and not at the same time (I think she meant the same day really). I asked her if she wanted to see them all each a few times a year and she was happy about that idea.

I think she is just saying we need to manage things better. Keep her from being overloaded but also keep those connections going. Maybe we need to set up a schedule so everyone gets to talk to her but not at the same time.

By now it was 1am and she was laying on her back on top of me in the recliner. I asked her if she needed to talk about anything else. She of course just wanted to go to bed or get a snack. I asked her if she was ok, if she was happy. She rolled over, hugged me and said she was happy, she liked it here a lot and didn’t ever want to leave. And then came the most amazing thing from her little brain - she told me I didn’t need to be anyone but me and I was a very good mom. I tell her that about just being herself regularly (as well as she doesn’t need to be anything but nine). It was very strange to her say it back to me but she seemed to know how upset I was over everything, already picking up on my ability to blame myself when all things bad happen.

I vetoed the snack idea and we decided to go to bed. She slept like a rock.

Explosion

Things have shattered as of tonight. So many small signals we didn’t take seriously enough have exploded into a huge situation.

She has been telling people about the sexual abuse. It became pretty darn clear when a parent drove over to our house today to tell us how Hayley told people at a birthday party about what happened. She managed to tell a kid who she fights with all the time so I’m sure that’s going to come out at school now. Several other kids were there too and they all went to their parents confused.

After lying repeatedly, it all came tumbling out that she had told other people as well. She also has been adding more to the story, adding fake details as well.

She’s just been thinking about it more since many people in her birth family have been interacting with her. This has been too much, too fast for her. There are too many people emailing and calling more than she needs. I hate to say that but she just needs to be HAYLEY for awhile, not adopted Hayley, not abused Hayley. Just a CHILD. Some people are going to be pissed and I’m sorry but we are going to have to structure things to protect and insulate her more.

I am so tired of trying to tape this child’s psych back together. I am so tired of watching her hurt and lash out. She’s exploded today and already hurt me physically, throwing things, already mouthing off and calling names. She is in pain and we feel like we are in a war zone with shrapnel flying. I love her and I’ll never ever stop trying to help her but I’m so furious about her past right now.

Opening the final door

I had good talks with Hayley’s birthmom G and birthgrandmother Nana on Sunday. I wish there were better words then “birth” for that designation. I only use them so people understand what I’m saying but part of me wishes there was a way to do that and make it seem less of a big deal. I know some people use ‘first’ mom and I do sometimes. But Hayley tends towards just calling her birthmom by her given name, Mom or Momma G.

Regardless of all of that, I’ve made the decision to let G see Hayley in the fall. G wanted to do it sooner but I wanted it to be when Hayley is tracked out of school and can really decompress from it all. Hayley usually is fine on the way back from visiting birthfamily but eventually her confusion, anger or whatever seeps out.

G has done all the things I asked of her. She has observed the boundaries, she has communicated regularly along the guidelines I set up and been respectful of our family. I’ve tried to be respectful of her role in Hayley’s life, which is always going to be there. Considering G and I weren’t even talking last year, this has been a really solid development. We can actually have pleasant conversations about the kids and life. This chat she even put her youngest (Hayley’s half-sister F) on the phone with me since I met her on a visit.

I really hope that is how things can be. I know at times G will not agree with how we are raising Hayley and I know she knows I didn’t agree with some things that happened in the past. But since those are both given in the equation, I’m hoping we can just avoid those pitfalls. I think it would benefit Hayley to see both of her moms get along. I’m not looking for a new best pal or anything but I don’t want Hayley to feel any tension.

However I have to admit I’m scared. I’m scared of Hayley feeling cheated, I’m scared of Hayley comparing us and me coming up short. I’m scared of sharing her. Being scared never stopped me from doing anything but I’m not very comfortable admitting vulnerability. After all my solution to that anxiety is to over worry and be a control freak. I suppose this is something like wedding or a college, a tradition that implies the changing of a relationship, the sharing of your child with someone or some thing else.

Casual

Hayley had a nice talk with her birthmom G and then later with her Nana (birth grandma). She was happy to talk to her younger sister F too when G called.

The nice thing now is those calls don’t worry Hayley. She doesn’t make lists of what to say or cling to the phone. It is just her family calling. She knows she’ll talk to them again and she just chits chats with whatever she wants to tell them, just random kid stuff. I know it can be tough on them because they want so much to connect to her but I hope they understand they are connected to her BECAUSE she is so casual with them. She knows the connection is there and she can call on it when she needs it.

She’ll hand me the phone to talk and I’ll chat with them as well. I know it helps her to have me having a positive relationship too. I want her to see we can all get along because we love her THAT much. I always fear losing her as she gets older but you know, I can’t do anything about that. But by sharing her, I hope it means as she gets older we can all share her adulthood and all be proud of the person she has become.

I don’t know what the future holds but so far this open adoption is going pretty well and I’m astounded how respectful her first family has been of the boundaries - by respecting them, it makes me feel safe to share more and more of her life with them.

Her two mothers …

I did want to say one thing that I’ve been remiss in posting. I’ve been having nice conversation with G, Hayley’s birthmother. I think she knows I’m not out to get her and once she understood the game plan - directly from me - she seemed to be a lot more relaxed. I’ve told her that we are both her mothers and nothing will change that.

We’ve had some good parenting conversations as well. I found myself being way too preachy in one of them and told her to feel free to tell me to shut up because I get to rambling and I really wasn’t trying to insult her in anyway. She quickly told me that it was helpful to know the stuff and it was good stuff she could use with the daughter she is parenting who has the same demeanor and energy level as Hayley.

G followed all the guidelines we set down and really stepped up to the plate. She has been great about respect boundaries, which was my concern in general with all birthfamily issues. We are moving along in our plans but Hayley’s issues right now might slow things down because it is a lot of stress on Hales but at least they are talking and can easily reach out to each other, both ways. G is trying and I have to give her credit for that.

Some days

Some days you just have to have faith in the plan you’ve set in motion and ride out the bad times. Trials and tribulations come and go. They seem so intense when they happen and once you are over one if another one hits quickly, it all piles back on. I just have to believe I’ve made the right decisions and just following through on them will keep the course moving forward to good things. I can’t control the past, it is the future that is in my hands.

This will pass - or so I keep reminding myself every ten minutes or so.

Answering a question

We recently went to a party for a publication I work on. At the end of the night, the host’s wife, who is an educator and lovely person, remarked that Hayley must be an only child because of her precocious demeanor. Jeff, Hayley and I all laughed and I said she was an only child. As I got to the car it occurred to me, she is my only child but she is not an only child because she has a handful half-siblings (from both sides). I was crushed, feeling like I might have given my child a negative message about their existence or her life before us. I knew the only thing to do was open up and talk to her - and immediately.

So in the car I explained to her what I was thinking. Turned out it hadn’t even bothered her but it was a good opening to ask her how SHE wanted those questions answered. How much is too much to tell people? If we say certain things, we will open the door to questions she may not want answered in public. She has a right to confidentiality and she has a right to be a child, to try to live a more uncomplicated life. While sharing about adoption is something I feel passionate about, she is seven and I do not expect her to carry any placards around or be some adoption poster child.

I offered some suggestions and we agreed that the answer to give to most people is that she is OUR only child. However if we know the people or she feels like sharing, she can say she has sisters and brothers who live somewhere else. That worked for her and she said she thinks of herself as any only child most of the time too. Of course, she went on to talk about how she liked it because she didn’t have to share us and she got more gifts. Ending on a laugh helped.

For us, it has been important to talk about how to answer questions like these. I may offer suggestions but it is her words and her decisions. We aren’t programming her but we are giving her tools to use when she is put in positions that may feel uncomfortable, as well as doing the same for ourselves. I never want to share or say things that hurt her. Open communication is so important for us.