break

I’m taking a break from here for awhile. Things have been overwhelming, sometimes seeming like moves that will create long term progress but sometimes lousy. I’m tired of experts, meetings, psychiatrists, teachers, counselors, trying to find her all the help she needs in all the areas she needs it.

I know we are lucky to have the resources to get her help but some days it seems like a really big bucket that we just add drops. I think I’ve lost my ability to have a voice here for awhile. Writing here was really for myself to get my feelings out and examine them but now every time I get over here to write, I don’t have much to say because I’ve been talking and talking and talking to people.

I edited this from last night because it sounded much more down last night and it wasn’t so much of that, just my general fatigue from advocating.

Therapy

Therapy is well underway. I’m not going to talk about details but we have had some help hammering out the open adoption parameters which we’ll share soon with everyone. It does help to have someone who supports open adoption involved but also supports caution and ensuring the child’s needs first.

We are so lucky to have this therapist back in our lives.

Hayley’s soccer team went to their first away weekend tournament in Myrtle Beach and took second place. It was tons of fun and she not only played well but behaved fairly well too for the weekend.

One game went to sudden death penalty kicks which her team prevailed in. Both teams’ parents were cheering and very passionate but it wasn’t mean spirited. After the game, Jeff and I made a point to yell over to the other parents what a good game it was and they thanked us. After the post-game handshake, our kids do a fun tunnel to honor the other team, which is returned. It’s a nice way to end the game, win or lose.

On the way back home, I was reminded of a story here in Raleigh where parents were banned from soccer matches a few weekends ago, Kids’ soccer league suspends grown-ups. The paper notes that six clashes between opposing parents as well as parents and refs erupted in three separate Challenge-division games. Challenge is the division Hayley plays it, it is the level up from recreation. They don’t mention the age level. She doesn’t play in that particular league but she did in the past and her team plays those teams at festivals.

At the same time I was considering how early we starts kids in sports here. We are guilty of that too. Hayley has played since she was six indoor and outdoor. Now at nine, we’ve moved up to challenge level and are traveling.

I’m not going to get banned from a game but I admit to be pissed off at other parents in the past, even a coach or two. I’ve gotten into one verbal squabble but it was only when a fellow parent had been harassed. I’ve been irked at Hayley for not giving effort. I really don’t care if she stinks but don’t be lazy and ignore your coaches. She was peeved at us for what she thought was criticism at the beach for a less than her best game. It took us awhile to explain to her we were not criticizing her but trying to help her understand that the McDonalds between games with a friend wasn’t good for her playing. She finally got what we were saying and even agreed by the next day. But is it screwed up that I can tell you what my child needs to eat to play well? That I know she needs gatorade before and after but water in behind?

But then again, I let her decide to quit playing the sport I love more than anything - basketball. I’ve let her ride horses, which I never did a day in my life. We just require she play sports, not which ones.

Passion by parents can be great if it supports the child’s desires but in the beginning parents do need to give their kids opportunities to play. In this day and age of early intense training what happens if your kids falls in love with a sport at 12? When I was a kid, sometimes people didn’t start playing a particular sport until middle school.

The fact now is that waiting until 12 would mean that your kid probably wouldn’t make a middle school team. By the time Hayley gets to middle school, she’ll have five and half years of almost year round soccer training. Even a very good athlete would struggle to catch up with a decent athlete who has had years of skill development already.

Which brings us back to the ever so passionate parents. Do you start early and try to avoid burnout? Or do you let your child figure it out on their own but be so behind the curve they might lose interest after facing better kids? I don’t know the answer, I suppose it is up to each parent.

I believe in sports. I believe in the lessons it can teach kids. Kids who play sports are healthier and less lucky to drop out of school. For children with ADD, sports can be a huge help in allowing them to runoff energy.

I think I’m just rambling here, trying to find the middle ground. Many of my posts are my way to work out things in my own noggin.

For the joy of books

For the first time she has picked up a book and genuinely enjoyed reading it - not wanting to even stop. She is happily reading Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein. She’s got good taste at least!

Where the Sidewalk Ends and all the other Silverstein poetry books were ones I loved as a kid and still can recite parts of the poems from the book (Sarah Sylvia Cynthia Stout would not talk the garbage out, which was my favorite).

She wants to read so many of them and loves making sounds or using her voice along with them. We are just laughing our butts off at them.

One of those nights

She has this internal anger that is very hard to control. Her first reaction to many things is violence. I fear she saw too much of it before and still in her subconscious reacts without her even thinking. She has never been hit once here but she still reacts with such escalated anger.

Tonight she hit me, bit me, scratched and sprayed a chemical cleaner at my hand, which was covering my face. This was actually something going on with her and Jeff over a mess she had mad but so much of the physical violence is directed at me as is typical in children with her issues. We don’t flinch but it is unacceptable to harm me. She begs for me when she is angry, sits on me crying and seething. She says she’s done nothing but when I tell her I love her always however I won’t reduce her punish or absolve her, a switch can just flip and she’s furious again. We all know she did things - it was only five minutes ago she was harming me. She may hate it but deep down she is begging for boundaries and limits.

She always feels horrible after, always just wants to be held and cries. She begs for forgiveness. We continue to work on her learning to identify her feelings, express feelings with words and find other alternatives to violence. She isn’t violent at school and she has been less and less violent over the past four weeks, so I know she can make headway on this. I don’t expect her anger to just be *gone* but I worry about this cataclysmic violence.

I’ve been reading several books again that were helpful and some books by the same authors (more Love and Logic books and their connected authors). I’ve got my reminders need by on how to respond to things and I’ve been feeling really good about how I’m dealing with things - doesn’t mean the outcome is always good. This is about management, not erasure. This is a journey, not a sprint.

I’ve gotten two goodnight hugs and a small chipper voice just told me goodnight again from the top of the stairs. I think she just wants to know I am still here. I am still here.

Sliding down

I came in to volunteer in Hayley’s classroom today. I do this every year and really enjoy it. I get to work with small groups of kids and goof off - well not REALLY goof off but make them laugh while they learn. I had a small group of kids who needed some extra math practice so we headed to the media center to work, of course Hayley tagged along even though she knew the material. The kids were sweet and were quickly chugging right along on their math with smiles.

I was faking my jocular mood. I arrived as the kids were still outside for recess and the teacher had some sobering news. Hayley had a meltdown at lunch, sobbing in the cafeteria about meeting her birthfather and brothers this weekend. The lunch ladies had to take her aside and get her teacher.

I found her outside jumping rope with friends and she didn’t want to talk about it then. We talked some at home. We talked about things to do when we are hurting and things to say so we don’t have to tell everything all the details of our lives because it then puts pressure on her to tell MORE than she needs to tell.

We think it just might be anxiety over it, which would be very valid. We waited until late last night to tell her about the visit and she was thrilled. Hayley is a kid that needs to know what is happening to her, you can’t just surprise a child that has been abused and neglected. They have power and control issues and need a chance to ready themselves for a situation. But I also didn’t want her over thinking things either. Sigh - how am I supposed to know what is the balance?

We’ll be there at 8 in the morning for a conference. Then I’ll come home and start calling therapists.

Calm after the storm

I’m a bit calmer this morning.

We’ve decided not to go talk to the parents who we suspect are keeping their kids away from Hayley. Could we say anything to change their minds - no, they’ve made their decision already about her. A rational parent would have come to us to talk about it. I am sorry that their children learned things from our child that they weren’t ready to learn. She knows better but we can’t take it back and if they want to judge a child, then so be it.

Now of course, any parent at the party with questions we are happy to talk to - more than willing to apologize and explain. We don’t know who all heard it all but if they contact the parent, I’ve already told her to send them my way as well as giving the parent information to tell them.

Hayley woke up late last night and came downstairs to see me as I finished working. We turned out the lights and talked. I find she is more honest when she doesn’t have to be seen. I think something about the dark frees us all. I asked her if something going on had made her think more about what had happened. She said she just was thinking about it more because things reminded her. I asked her what things and she couldn’t really find an answer.

I suppose this is just something that had to come up in her. That all the contact with people really opened up some doors in her mind. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know but maybe it is more of a necessary thing.

We talked about contact and she still wants to see and talk to people in her birthfamily, which is good and important. She said she’d like people to call once a month and not at the same time (I think she meant the same day really). I asked her if she wanted to see them all each a few times a year and she was happy about that idea.

I think she is just saying we need to manage things better. Keep her from being overloaded but also keep those connections going. Maybe we need to set up a schedule so everyone gets to talk to her but not at the same time.

By now it was 1am and she was laying on her back on top of me in the recliner. I asked her if she needed to talk about anything else. She of course just wanted to go to bed or get a snack. I asked her if she was ok, if she was happy. She rolled over, hugged me and said she was happy, she liked it here a lot and didn’t ever want to leave. And then came the most amazing thing from her little brain - she told me I didn’t need to be anyone but me and I was a very good mom. I tell her that about just being herself regularly (as well as she doesn’t need to be anything but nine). It was very strange to her say it back to me but she seemed to know how upset I was over everything, already picking up on my ability to blame myself when all things bad happen.

I vetoed the snack idea and we decided to go to bed. She slept like a rock.

Explosion

Things have shattered as of tonight. So many small signals we didn’t take seriously enough have exploded into a huge situation.

She has been telling people about the sexual abuse. It became pretty darn clear when a parent drove over to our house today to tell us how Hayley told people at a birthday party about what happened. She managed to tell a kid who she fights with all the time so I’m sure that’s going to come out at school now. Several other kids were there too and they all went to their parents confused.

After lying repeatedly, it all came tumbling out that she had told other people as well. She also has been adding more to the story, adding fake details as well.

She’s just been thinking about it more since many people in her birth family have been interacting with her. This has been too much, too fast for her. There are too many people emailing and calling more than she needs. I hate to say that but she just needs to be HAYLEY for awhile, not adopted Hayley, not abused Hayley. Just a CHILD. Some people are going to be pissed and I’m sorry but we are going to have to structure things to protect and insulate her more.

I am so tired of trying to tape this child’s psych back together. I am so tired of watching her hurt and lash out. She’s exploded today and already hurt me physically, throwing things, already mouthing off and calling names. She is in pain and we feel like we are in a war zone with shrapnel flying. I love her and I’ll never ever stop trying to help her but I’m so furious about her past right now.

Nine days and counting

Nine days with no punches thrown! I’m so proud of her. It is more than the lack of physical aggression, she is really back to being charming and kind much of the time. When she is back to what I feel is her natural disposition she is funny, helpful and willing to be reasonable.

She has a new friend that she plays with as often as humanly possible. The minute they are home from school, the door is knocking or the phone ringing. They are together so often they’ve eaten dinner together, had evening/afternoon snacks together and roam the streets like a crime fighting duo. They are begging for a sleepover. Very nice parents, live just one street over. Super nice kid who listens, cleans up and is polite.

Of course this is pretty normal stuff for kids but the thing here is the friend is a boy! They are inseparable and play together better than she has played with any other kid. Tonight they played here from 5 to 6pm, then I took them to the pool from 6:30 to 8:00, then they came back here for snacks and he went home about 8:30. Not one argument, just tons of laughter and play.

I’m skittish about this spend the night thing with a boy. Their idea was he would sleep in the guest room but I dunno. He is about 18 months younger and honestly they are a great match in maturity levels right now.

She already has two birthday party invites from girls in her class so clearly repeating didn’t do her any real social harm. I suspect she is happier there because she is getting good grades and on a more natural level emotionally as these kids. Most of her homework is done before she even gets home which is a huge change from last year.

Soccer has started and she is doing well! Three practices a week at 90 minutes each is tough but she loves it. Some of these kids are really excellent and I know they are going to make her better. She is thrilled because they’ll travel some around the state (and SC) for festivals and tournaments.

Another tooth down, another $2; Tunes

Well we had another tooth fairy visit, her seventh to the house! After Hayley’s antics over five of the six teeth she lost, this one was a breeze. She told it was loose one day and came home from school having pushing & poked it out. The tooth fairy increased the money from $1 to $2 and was smart enough to know Hayley was in Mom & Dad’s bed not her own. Fhew, smart tooth fairy.

She is back to being gap toothed some which always cracks me up. She’s so cute. She’s got a braid and beads in her hair that she won’t take out, eventho it has been over 10 days. I’m not going to fight her.

Soccer starts this evening and she is all excited, really pumped up. She actually RAN today to get used to the heat. It was her own suggestion. She has been eating so well and being so active, she’s ready for the season.

The big excitement is I’m taking her and a friend to Walnut Creek (the local big amphitheater) for a concert on the 22nd - from High School Musical and star of Jump In Corbin Bleu , Drake Bell from Drake & Josh and Ally & AJ from Disney. If you know young kids, High School Musical is so insanely popular it blows your mind. And they all love Drake and Josh on Nick, the two mismatched step-brothers who get into all sorts of antics. Personally I’m more of a Josh fan but they all love the dreamy musician Drake.

They don’t care much for Ally & AJ so we’ll leave when they go on - it is a school night. But we’ve got premier parking access so we can get in and out quick and her friend is spending the night, so we’ll come right home and put the kids to bed.

I cleared it with her friend’s mom first - I hate to put parents in positions they don’t want to be in and when Hayley called her friend to tell them about it, they were screaming for Corbin and Drake. I love taking her to concerts, this will be her third but the first I’ve been completely sure will be appropriate from the music to the fans (meaning no doobie smokers like at Steely Dan). These acts are good clean Disney/Nickelodeon stars who happen to be pretty good singers and actors. I actually enjoy some of these songs.