The other side of Father’s Day

Hayley was so tentative about talking to her birthdad on Father’s Day. I finally got her to be ok with calling him later in the evening but no one answered. She just doesn’t know him well and I honestly think that topic is one of the things she is bouncing around in her mind - just who is this guy and how do I place him in my world?

The man she thought of as her father when she was young abused her. It took her a long time to really bond with Jeff as a ‘father’ and know she is. And we are both fine with her birthdad having a role in her life and he seems to want to do that but we’ve really yet to move forward. He’s taking some steps but they are few and far between. His family seems more interested in keeping in touch. I don’t want to turn this into something mean spirited or bash him at all, I’m just being honest. I’ve opened the door and Hayley has been willing to try but it can’t be on us. I know this isn’t easy for him and I know it is harder for men to relate to reaching out. I hope he can, for both of their sakes.

Her two mothers …

I did want to say one thing that I’ve been remiss in posting. I’ve been having nice conversation with G, Hayley’s birthmother. I think she knows I’m not out to get her and once she understood the game plan - directly from me - she seemed to be a lot more relaxed. I’ve told her that we are both her mothers and nothing will change that.

We’ve had some good parenting conversations as well. I found myself being way too preachy in one of them and told her to feel free to tell me to shut up because I get to rambling and I really wasn’t trying to insult her in anyway. She quickly told me that it was helpful to know the stuff and it was good stuff she could use with the daughter she is parenting who has the same demeanor and energy level as Hayley.

G followed all the guidelines we set down and really stepped up to the plate. She has been great about respect boundaries, which was my concern in general with all birthfamily issues. We are moving along in our plans but Hayley’s issues right now might slow things down because it is a lot of stress on Hales but at least they are talking and can easily reach out to each other, both ways. G is trying and I have to give her credit for that.

Anger, from both of us.

Tonight I am mad.

MAD

I am mad that this child has so much pain in her heart.
I am mad that this child has been exposed to such anger and violence.

Our sweet child’s rage cycles have returned. I know with changes in her life, it always comes back. She didn’t make a soccer team and she is repeating the year, plus the school year has ended so she is unfettered right now. I had her in a basketball camp but pulled her out because I felt she needed time to decompress, time to run around the neighborhood and be a child, to hit the pool, to shake out the willies.

It seemed to be helping until tonight when she lied about something, which followed a lie at swim practice last night. Then the mouth started up and she back talked me. I told her she would not be going to swim team practice and she was grounded. I stayed calm and collected but she went off. She spiralled quickly down into plummeling me, slapping me, stratching me. It was off the charts.

I have never hit this child. I have loved her with all my heart and I will always. I am the most consistent person I could be with her. I never make a promise I can’t keep. We sleep with her snuggled between us. She is our heart.

I walked through a downpour to get to her Tuesday night, soaked to the skin and cold, with rain hitting my face so hard it stung - all because I knew if I wasn’t with her during a storm, she would cry. I’d do anything for her.

But she has to learn to respect adults and authority. She doesn’t trust, she has been failed by adults too much already. But we pay the prize, we dredge through the pain and suffering of this angel, trying to save her. Trying to give her a normal life.

I am mad that her childhood was ripped away. I am mad adults have failed her. I an mad I have marks and lumps on my arms from the beating. It breaks my heart when she crawls up on me after, crying and telling me I shouldn’t love her, that she is so sorry. I hate that she can even have the idea that someone could stop loving her. I never could, I never will.

We are doing the right things - checking her meds, considering going back to therapy, trying to grasp what is the root of her upheaval right now. And this too will pass and we won’t waive from our love and dedication to her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to be mad as hell.

AP: NC House Panel Agrees To Improve Adoptee-Birthparent Access

My thoughts - this is at least SOME progress and the beginning of a registry to manage connecting people. I’m curious what agencies are to be involved. I wonder how many agency keep records that well. Is placing that on agencies a realistic expectation? Some agencies already have ethical issues to resolve. What about private adoptions through an attorney?

RALEIGH, N.C. - A House judiciary committee has agreed to help adult adoptees or their biological parents in finding out each other’s identities.

But the panel stopped short of an earlier proposal to allow adoptees access to their original birth certificates.

Adoption advocates and birthmothers pushed to eliminate a 1949 law that’s kept adopted children’s original birth certificates sealed, requiring litigation to gain access to records. Those birth certificates identified the biological parents.

Other advocates disagreed, saying the change would possibly discourage adoption and unravel the understanding by some mothers that their identities would remain confidential.

A compromise bill approved today would allow an adoption agency to act as a “confidential intermediary” between an adoptee age 21 or older and a biological parent. With written permission from both sides, the agency could bring about contact between the parent and child or share identifying information.

As I’ve said before, I’m curious to see all the specifics and I’d hope there is a funding attached to the panel’s ruling. Roberta or David, have you heard any more details?

From Nana

I’ve always offered anyone in our family a chance to contribute here and Hayley’s Grandmother Nana Janie has written something lovely she said we could run on the site. Janie is Hayley’s first mom G’s mother.

Hayley is my grandchild, I write this out of love for two people who have made a life for a lost child. Hayley came into this world on a very cold and rainy night fighting for her next breath. She was placed in an ambulance and sent from Boone to Winston because she had a hard time breathing. After staying there for a week she was sent back to Boone brought home and taking care of.

Being young and foolish as we are when we are young Hayley’s mother married a young man. (I have other names but I won’t use them because some people would not like it.) This person I thought was good with her. I have so many time heard people say that you can’t trust strangers. Little do these people know that it is sometimes you can’t trust the people which you think you know. When I tell people this they think I’m crazy. (Little do they know.)

I have tried to love my grandchild and to think that someday I could make up for all the wrong things that has happened and for all the heartache that is there. But I know I can’t. I tell myself that time will heal. About 2 years ago we moved 11 hours from the place I knew as home. I say I did it for a job but I know now it was for Hayley. Hayley has a new outlook on life with her new family. I have a peace of mind with them. I have seen, played and talked with her. She is happy and I know she is love beyond all measure in the world. I look at the pictures of her with her Mom and know that there is so much love there and care that it is unbelievable.

Hayley is nine now. I know that the questions will come sooner or later. I have a mother that prays that Hayley will never ask them. I know we have a good prayer chain going for her. We prayed for a loving family and look what GOD gave us - Jeff and Michelle.

We prayed for the girls to see each other and God gave us that to. I pray she never has to go back to the small town which this all started. Memories.

I will in my time that I am here to give all the support that I can to you guys. Just ask.

Thank you for the life you gave.
With all my love,
Nana Janie

Promises, promises

Thanks to those of you who sent birthday wishes to Hayley! Her big party was this weekend and we had 27 kids attending. Who thought all but two invited would say yes?!?! We had a gym rented out and it was awesome. Races, games, two huge foam pits and two trampolines on the floor level, pizza and cupcakes - fhew, it was a good time for everyone!

Hayley catching big air jumping from the trampoline to the foam pit.

That leaping photo reminded of the leap of faith we take with adoption and open adoption. I know through out her life a lot of promises have not been kept to Hayley. Most children think their parents are infallible but Hayley knows how imperfect adults can be already.

Because of all of that, I never make her promises I can’t keep. Excuses mean nothing to a child, they just hear the no or see the lack of it. A promise is something that is pretty sacred in this house. We are building back her sense of trust in adults and I really think we’ve made massive strides there. She knows she can count on us to be there for her, to be her supports and tell her the truth.

As much as I wish I could keep her as child (and I try so hard), in some respects she deserves the truth and accurate explanations of what is going on. Of course, the truth right now may be in age appropriate doses but I don’t lie.

However I have had to omit some things for her nine year old heart. It has been broken too many times. When people say they are going to do things and don’t, I don’t want her crushed again. So often I’ve found myself not telling her about things that are out of my control. If they happen, they are awesome surprises but if they don’t happen, she isn’t heartbroken. At this point, what she doesn’t know in small things doesn’t harm her. She’ll be old enough to ask questions soon enough and then I’ll answer them.

There were times in my life as a child where I had my spirit crushed and felt like I wasn’t important, wasn’t special. My mom always tried to shield me from that and lift me up from the heartache. I don’t want Hayley to have to feel that way at this tender age.

She is special and important. She is loved. How you treat a child when they are young has a strong correlation to how they fail themselves as a teen and adult. It isn’t a direct relationship, so many things can interfere but there is a helluva lot higher chance she’ll grow up with healthy self-esteem if she isn’t disappointed and hurt as a child.

NC House Bill proposes adoption law changes

Roberta MacDonald passed this on to me to post and I’m thrilled to have this all spelled out.

Roberta MacDonald, North Carolina State Representative American Adoption Congress, Chairwoman NC Coalition for Adoption Reform Durham, NC

House Bill 445 (HB445) a bill granting adult adoptees (18 years or older) and the adult lineal descendants of a deceased adoptee access to their original birth certificates (OBC) will have a House Judiciary I committee hearing on May 1 at 10:00 a.m. in Room 1228 at the Legislative Building Raleigh. North Carolina started closing adoptee access to their original birth certificates in 1949.

This bill is based on Oregon legislation (Ballot Measure 58) that has been in effect since 2001. Oregon law allows an adult adoptee access to their OBC. It also provides a mechanism whereby birth parents may indicate their preference for contact by filling out a contact preference form. This form gives a birth parent the option of being contacted directly, contacted through an intermediary, or not contacted at all by an adoptee. According to the Oregon Department of Human Services, as of May 31, 2005, 8,486 adoptees had ordered a copy of their OBC.

The Oregon system appears to be quite successful in balancing the rights of adoptees and birthparents regarding their desire for contact. One of the most interesting things to come out of Oregon’s new adoption law is the number of contact preference forms filed by birth parents requesting no contact. On the fifth anniversary of the law’s implementation, only 83 birth parents had asked for no contact. It is clear that after the initial influx of no contact requests, the numbers have dropped dramatically. This number also indicates that a significantly low percentage of birth parents requested no contact out estimated tens of thousands of adoptees eligible to request a copy of their OBC.

The bill being proposed in NC would become law in January 2008 after passage. If you are interested in attending please contact the individuals listed below. All are encouraged to contact NC legislators or submit letters to the editor to express their support for this adoptee access bill.

Representatives Margaret Highsmith Dickson, W.A. Wilkins an adoptive father, James Crawford and Jean Farmer-Butterfield are the four primary sponsors of the bill. The text of House Bill 445 can be found at the following website: http://www.ncga.state.nc.us/Sessions/2007/Bills/House/HTML/H445v1.html. For further information contact Roberta Macdonald at nccar@mindspring.com.

Roberta MacDonald - Reunited Adoptee
Chairwoman - NC Coalition for Adoption Reform
http://adoptionreform-nc.org
NC State Representative
American Adoption Congress
http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/

N&O: Adoptees seek open records

Under North Carolina law, the state keeps secret the original birth certificates of adoptees. Advocates want the legislature to change that, but their effort pits them against some long-held beliefs. Read more

Above is a link to a great article on the status of adoption records in NC. I’ve been asked before about my opinions and I’m generally in favor of allowing a process to let adoptees access their records. I do know some adoptees who have found their birthparents and had very negative situations occur but those are rare. Do we protect the minority of birth parents who placed in the past and wanted a close adoption to help the majority who wish for a chance to reconnect in the future? Do we make this law retroactive or just from now on? A lot of questions need to be answered before I have a firm opinion on what to do here in N.C in terms of legislation.

I do think at the very least they can start asking birth parents with adoptions NOW if they would like to be in a database that can be available for their children to contact them when they are 18 or older. I would also like to see an option for the adoptive parents to access that information before the child is 18 so they can re-establish contact if they want or if they need medical info.

I did find it odd that Hayley’s birth certificate was re-issued with us as her parents and her former birth certificate destroyed from ALL government databases - destroyed was the specific word used. I tracked down her first birth certificate, getting the local county that issued it to fax it to me before they pulled it from their records. Could there be a way to create a different birth certificate that includes both the child’s birth parents and adoptive parents? Being listed on her birth certificate is strange, I did not give birth to her and I don’t pretend that I do.

According to the article, the bill in progress no would “would set up a way for birth mothers to request contact or say they do not want it. The bills would allow birth parents to file a form, and could indicate they want contact only through an intermediary. The bill would allow for a birth parent to provide medical history whether or not a reunion is wanted.”

That sounds excellent to me. Rep. Margaret Dickson from Fayetteville is the main sponsor of the proposal. If you are in N.C., you might want to email her from her site (margaretdickson.com) and let her know your thoughts.

sisters