The here and now …

I got an email asking me to please think about posting again but I’m still unsure of how I feel about posting. Hayley’s life is more and more her own each day. I still talk about adoption regularly and about how we are managing ours but again there are more people involved that I don’t want to harm or complicate matters with.

Hayley is growing like a weed and doing well. She’s ten now and really well-adjusted these days. Her grades are very good, she’s still playing sports and she’s funnier and smarter every day I think.

Our adoption is still open but it is more driven by her desires now that what I feel we ’should’ do. I’m one of those people who gets stuck in the ’shoulds’ sometimes and I had to step back, with the help of Hayley and her therapist, and make sure I’m hearing what she has to say about the level of contact with her birth family. She is able to actually express how she feels about things pretty well - I’m very proud she is able to put her thoughts and feelings into words at this age. She’s happy, she doesn’t want to lose anyone and she knows they are there so she’s freed from some of her worries.

We continue to grow and learn all the time about ourselves as parents and the stewards of this journey with Hayley. She teaches us a lot too.

I love her and we are all fine. Thanks for asking.

Therapy

Therapy is well underway. I’m not going to talk about details but we have had some help hammering out the open adoption parameters which we’ll share soon with everyone. It does help to have someone who supports open adoption involved but also supports caution and ensuring the child’s needs first.

We are so lucky to have this therapist back in our lives.

Lovely visits

I have been remiss about writing about two great visits.

First, we had Nana & Poppy who are Hayley’s grandparents through her birthmom visit. We had them stay at the house, which was a big step for us. They offered to stay in a hotel but I didn’t want them to waste their short time here with a hotel - it is much more fun to be in pajamas and playing around the house. We let them take her to the pool alone and I didn’t worry, I knew they were coming back and everything was fine. I just wanted them to have some time with her without us seemingly monitoring them.

So they got to see her world here - her home, her friends, her school, etc. And we had some good talks, Nana and I stayed up late talking about things. Mostly sharing stories but also sharing perspectives and becoming even better friends. It was a great visit.

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The next big visit was Hayley getting to see her birthdad D, her grandparents (his folks), her brothers and D’s wife. She hadn’t seen D more than a handful of short visits when she was young so this picnic in the park for several hours was a big step.

She was so scared he wouldn’t show up. She doesn’t really remember meeting him the last time when she was about five. It broke my heart for her to be so worried and I was glad she could sleep some in the car. We finally all got the park and D came up to see her. She looked up at him with those big blue eyes, wanting him to like her so badly. He scooped her up in his arms to hold her. I had to put on my sunglasses because I was tearing up.

She played soccer with him, ran around the playground and lake with her brothers, ate about five bites of food with her grandparents before running back off to play. We took lots of photos and it too was a great visit. They are nice people and we enjoying just hanging outside in great weather with them. They were easy to chat with and the kids had a ball. Hayley wanted to know him and her brothers so badly. I tell her all the time having more people to love you is a good thing and I think she is finally seeing that.

When we left, D and I had a chance to talk some. I told him I was proud of him for doing this. Stepping up to the plate isn’t the easiest thing. Opening yourself up this way is hard - he’s got issues to sort out with all of this as well. He’s a nice guy and he was really good to her. If he never does anything else again, just coming that day was one of the greatest gifts he could give her.

She has a mommy and daddy, that’s us but she has another mother and father who love her very much too, not to mention grandparents, brothers and sisters. The better relationships she has with them, the more she’ll know she was placed for her own good, out of love - not abandoned or rejected. And that they love her enough to keep being involved.

Sliding down

I came in to volunteer in Hayley’s classroom today. I do this every year and really enjoy it. I get to work with small groups of kids and goof off - well not REALLY goof off but make them laugh while they learn. I had a small group of kids who needed some extra math practice so we headed to the media center to work, of course Hayley tagged along even though she knew the material. The kids were sweet and were quickly chugging right along on their math with smiles.

I was faking my jocular mood. I arrived as the kids were still outside for recess and the teacher had some sobering news. Hayley had a meltdown at lunch, sobbing in the cafeteria about meeting her birthfather and brothers this weekend. The lunch ladies had to take her aside and get her teacher.

I found her outside jumping rope with friends and she didn’t want to talk about it then. We talked some at home. We talked about things to do when we are hurting and things to say so we don’t have to tell everything all the details of our lives because it then puts pressure on her to tell MORE than she needs to tell.

We think it just might be anxiety over it, which would be very valid. We waited until late last night to tell her about the visit and she was thrilled. Hayley is a kid that needs to know what is happening to her, you can’t just surprise a child that has been abused and neglected. They have power and control issues and need a chance to ready themselves for a situation. But I also didn’t want her over thinking things either. Sigh - how am I supposed to know what is the balance?

We’ll be there at 8 in the morning for a conference. Then I’ll come home and start calling therapists.

Calm after the storm

I’m a bit calmer this morning.

We’ve decided not to go talk to the parents who we suspect are keeping their kids away from Hayley. Could we say anything to change their minds - no, they’ve made their decision already about her. A rational parent would have come to us to talk about it. I am sorry that their children learned things from our child that they weren’t ready to learn. She knows better but we can’t take it back and if they want to judge a child, then so be it.

Now of course, any parent at the party with questions we are happy to talk to - more than willing to apologize and explain. We don’t know who all heard it all but if they contact the parent, I’ve already told her to send them my way as well as giving the parent information to tell them.

Hayley woke up late last night and came downstairs to see me as I finished working. We turned out the lights and talked. I find she is more honest when she doesn’t have to be seen. I think something about the dark frees us all. I asked her if something going on had made her think more about what had happened. She said she just was thinking about it more because things reminded her. I asked her what things and she couldn’t really find an answer.

I suppose this is just something that had to come up in her. That all the contact with people really opened up some doors in her mind. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know but maybe it is more of a necessary thing.

We talked about contact and she still wants to see and talk to people in her birthfamily, which is good and important. She said she’d like people to call once a month and not at the same time (I think she meant the same day really). I asked her if she wanted to see them all each a few times a year and she was happy about that idea.

I think she is just saying we need to manage things better. Keep her from being overloaded but also keep those connections going. Maybe we need to set up a schedule so everyone gets to talk to her but not at the same time.

By now it was 1am and she was laying on her back on top of me in the recliner. I asked her if she needed to talk about anything else. She of course just wanted to go to bed or get a snack. I asked her if she was ok, if she was happy. She rolled over, hugged me and said she was happy, she liked it here a lot and didn’t ever want to leave. And then came the most amazing thing from her little brain - she told me I didn’t need to be anyone but me and I was a very good mom. I tell her that about just being herself regularly (as well as she doesn’t need to be anything but nine). It was very strange to her say it back to me but she seemed to know how upset I was over everything, already picking up on my ability to blame myself when all things bad happen.

I vetoed the snack idea and we decided to go to bed. She slept like a rock.

Explosion

Things have shattered as of tonight. So many small signals we didn’t take seriously enough have exploded into a huge situation.

She has been telling people about the sexual abuse. It became pretty darn clear when a parent drove over to our house today to tell us how Hayley told people at a birthday party about what happened. She managed to tell a kid who she fights with all the time so I’m sure that’s going to come out at school now. Several other kids were there too and they all went to their parents confused.

After lying repeatedly, it all came tumbling out that she had told other people as well. She also has been adding more to the story, adding fake details as well.

She’s just been thinking about it more since many people in her birth family have been interacting with her. This has been too much, too fast for her. There are too many people emailing and calling more than she needs. I hate to say that but she just needs to be HAYLEY for awhile, not adopted Hayley, not abused Hayley. Just a CHILD. Some people are going to be pissed and I’m sorry but we are going to have to structure things to protect and insulate her more.

I am so tired of trying to tape this child’s psych back together. I am so tired of watching her hurt and lash out. She’s exploded today and already hurt me physically, throwing things, already mouthing off and calling names. She is in pain and we feel like we are in a war zone with shrapnel flying. I love her and I’ll never ever stop trying to help her but I’m so furious about her past right now.

Visiting

We had a visit from Hayley’s maternal birth grandparents. They came up from Florida and stayed the night with us on their way back to see their family. The visit went well. Most of what I was afraid was the unknown I know now. We let them have a lot of time alone, even leaving the house to go to the pool, which was slightly scary at times but I knew I could trust them.

We talked about some things I know Hayley will want to know - first words, first steps, etc. Hayley was great - lovely manners and very polite. She mouthed off once but curbed herself quickly with one look and word from me. We took them to her school, around where we eat/shop/etc and had our neighbors come over because Hayley talks about them so much. So they got to see her life and they’ll know where and what she is talking about when she tells them things.

The whole thing was scary but turned out well. We really had nothing to be scared about.

Opening the final door

I had good talks with Hayley’s birthmom G and birthgrandmother Nana on Sunday. I wish there were better words then “birth” for that designation. I only use them so people understand what I’m saying but part of me wishes there was a way to do that and make it seem less of a big deal. I know some people use ‘first’ mom and I do sometimes. But Hayley tends towards just calling her birthmom by her given name, Mom or Momma G.

Regardless of all of that, I’ve made the decision to let G see Hayley in the fall. G wanted to do it sooner but I wanted it to be when Hayley is tracked out of school and can really decompress from it all. Hayley usually is fine on the way back from visiting birthfamily but eventually her confusion, anger or whatever seeps out.

G has done all the things I asked of her. She has observed the boundaries, she has communicated regularly along the guidelines I set up and been respectful of our family. I’ve tried to be respectful of her role in Hayley’s life, which is always going to be there. Considering G and I weren’t even talking last year, this has been a really solid development. We can actually have pleasant conversations about the kids and life. This chat she even put her youngest (Hayley’s half-sister F) on the phone with me since I met her on a visit.

I really hope that is how things can be. I know at times G will not agree with how we are raising Hayley and I know she knows I didn’t agree with some things that happened in the past. But since those are both given in the equation, I’m hoping we can just avoid those pitfalls. I think it would benefit Hayley to see both of her moms get along. I’m not looking for a new best pal or anything but I don’t want Hayley to feel any tension.

However I have to admit I’m scared. I’m scared of Hayley feeling cheated, I’m scared of Hayley comparing us and me coming up short. I’m scared of sharing her. Being scared never stopped me from doing anything but I’m not very comfortable admitting vulnerability. After all my solution to that anxiety is to over worry and be a control freak. I suppose this is something like wedding or a college, a tradition that implies the changing of a relationship, the sharing of your child with someone or some thing else.

Recharging

Inspiration can come from such unusual sources. We went to the beach to stay with my old college roommate last week. Mind you, we’d spoken some on the phone but hadn’t seen each other in almost 17 years. We were both quirky and blunt college kids when we were young; we met rushing a sorority together and became friends during the pledge and initiation periods.

We had a wonderful time and she is a great host. Her son is just adorable and smart as a whip. We went to the beach, the pool and the latest opened N.C. Aquarium (June 06). It was really fun to be with another parent who enjoys the learning process with their kids and it was neat to feel that friendship come back so easily.

When we talked over the phone before the visit, we’d talked a lot about adoption. She was adopted when she was very young and while the kids played, she was able to really give me a sense of things Hayley will face. Things I never imagined she would have to deal with came up and I’m grateful to have heard them. She even opened up some to Hayley, who was really astonished to her what she had to say. I know it gave Hayley some comfort that others have been through adoption issues. And I think my friend was pleased to hear a child talk so openly about adoption and her birth family. My friend praised us on how we were handling adoption issues - which was nice to hear because I know she never bothers to BS people.

Casual

Hayley had a nice talk with her birthmom G and then later with her Nana (birth grandma). She was happy to talk to her younger sister F too when G called.

The nice thing now is those calls don’t worry Hayley. She doesn’t make lists of what to say or cling to the phone. It is just her family calling. She knows she’ll talk to them again and she just chits chats with whatever she wants to tell them, just random kid stuff. I know it can be tough on them because they want so much to connect to her but I hope they understand they are connected to her BECAUSE she is so casual with them. She knows the connection is there and she can call on it when she needs it.

She’ll hand me the phone to talk and I’ll chat with them as well. I know it helps her to have me having a positive relationship too. I want her to see we can all get along because we love her THAT much. I always fear losing her as she gets older but you know, I can’t do anything about that. But by sharing her, I hope it means as she gets older we can all share her adulthood and all be proud of the person she has become.

I don’t know what the future holds but so far this open adoption is going pretty well and I’m astounded how respectful her first family has been of the boundaries - by respecting them, it makes me feel safe to share more and more of her life with them.