Children’s Home Society

I love the adoption agency we adopted from, Children’s Home Society. On their list of waiting families is an interracial gay couple. It pisses me off every time I hear someone rant about gay people adopting. Gay isn’t a virus, they can’t pass it to kids and they aren’t indoctrinating kids as I heard one opponent say.

Foster kids need homes. If you are stable, kind and can be a good parent, welcome!

And don’t kid yourself either, there are a percentage of gay, bi or questioning teens that could have their lives saved by a gay couple. The suicide rate for GLB teens higher than the regular teen rate and healthy, stable role models could make a massive difference in a child’s life.

If you find what I’m saying offensive, I’m sorry that you can’t embrace diversity.

If you object to gay couples adopting, then step up to the plate and you adopt.

break

I’m taking a break from here for awhile. Things have been overwhelming, sometimes seeming like moves that will create long term progress but sometimes lousy. I’m tired of experts, meetings, psychiatrists, teachers, counselors, trying to find her all the help she needs in all the areas she needs it.

I know we are lucky to have the resources to get her help but some days it seems like a really big bucket that we just add drops. I think I’ve lost my ability to have a voice here for awhile. Writing here was really for myself to get my feelings out and examine them but now every time I get over here to write, I don’t have much to say because I’ve been talking and talking and talking to people.

I edited this from last night because it sounded much more down last night and it wasn’t so much of that, just my general fatigue from advocating.

Therapy

We had some issues with Hayley sharing some of her abuse stories with people that she doesn’t need to tell. Other children don’t need to know these things. But it has been on her mind and she is clearly going through another growth spurt in her mind about everything.

We knew all along that she would go back into therapy as she grew up. At every stage she’ll need to sort the abuse out again. Plus with a lot of visits from people and a planned first visit in three years to her birthmom G coming up, she may need to sort things out again in her mind. Not necessarily a bad thing - perhaps a healthy one but something she needs someone else to talk to besides us. She is growing up and no matter how open I try to be, I know at times she is conscious she is talking to me about her first mom G and never wants to hurt me. We speak openly all the time and I’m actually developing a solid relationship with G, but that really doesn’t change the dynamic to a child.

I was tracking down therapists and we lucked out! Our most wonderful therapist from the adoption agency is now in private practice. She was amazing and phenomenal. Her support for us as a family was so amazing and her help for Hayley was key to her development.

So Hayley’s got someone to talk to freely and openly, someone we know has experience with adoption and abuse, with open adoption and with the parenting styles we like (since she hooked us up with them). Hayley was fine with going to therapy and down right thrilled to be seeing Jody. She isn’t on our insurance plan but to find a therapist you adore and trust, that is a specialist in what you need, that is in your city and that your kid loves - you’ll pay our of your pocket for that connection.

You ever watch that show Intervention on A&E? It’s about people struggling with addictions and their families try to get them to rehab. Each episode they do a family history and every time there is some key event where the addict is damaged. Every time the people mean well but the future addict doesn’t get help or resolve their issues. I watch the show a lot and I promised myself that Hayley wouldn’t be that person. That she’d get the best of help that we could get her as early on as we can. That we wouldn’t be the family who hid from things, who kept things secret or ignored the signs that she needed help.

She’s happy about it so all is well with that.

Checking in…

Things have continued on the upswing with behavior. She seems to be getting more and more control over herself - like she is learning she does have those mental brakes to stop.

Her grades are fairly solid. I’d have liked them higher since she is re-doing this year but the reality is I’d be very thrilled with these grades last year. I just need to remember that and not even remember she had a year of this already - plus this teacher is harder than last year and demands more. Most important she is happy and feeling happy there.

Soccer has started and she is loving being pushed hard. She’s made new friends on the team and loves having home/away jerseys, etc. I think she loves the idea of all the trips to play in tournaments most!

Another tooth down, another $2; Tunes

Well we had another tooth fairy visit, her seventh to the house! After Hayley’s antics over five of the six teeth she lost, this one was a breeze. She told it was loose one day and came home from school having pushing & poked it out. The tooth fairy increased the money from $1 to $2 and was smart enough to know Hayley was in Mom & Dad’s bed not her own. Fhew, smart tooth fairy.

She is back to being gap toothed some which always cracks me up. She’s so cute. She’s got a braid and beads in her hair that she won’t take out, eventho it has been over 10 days. I’m not going to fight her.

Soccer starts this evening and she is all excited, really pumped up. She actually RAN today to get used to the heat. It was her own suggestion. She has been eating so well and being so active, she’s ready for the season.

The big excitement is I’m taking her and a friend to Walnut Creek (the local big amphitheater) for a concert on the 22nd - from High School Musical and star of Jump In Corbin Bleu , Drake Bell from Drake & Josh and Ally & AJ from Disney. If you know young kids, High School Musical is so insanely popular it blows your mind. And they all love Drake and Josh on Nick, the two mismatched step-brothers who get into all sorts of antics. Personally I’m more of a Josh fan but they all love the dreamy musician Drake.

They don’t care much for Ally & AJ so we’ll leave when they go on - it is a school night. But we’ve got premier parking access so we can get in and out quick and her friend is spending the night, so we’ll come right home and put the kids to bed.

I cleared it with her friend’s mom first - I hate to put parents in positions they don’t want to be in and when Hayley called her friend to tell them about it, they were screaming for Corbin and Drake. I love taking her to concerts, this will be her third but the first I’ve been completely sure will be appropriate from the music to the fans (meaning no doobie smokers like at Steely Dan). These acts are good clean Disney/Nickelodeon stars who happen to be pretty good singers and actors. I actually enjoy some of these songs.

Recharging

Inspiration can come from such unusual sources. We went to the beach to stay with my old college roommate last week. Mind you, we’d spoken some on the phone but hadn’t seen each other in almost 17 years. We were both quirky and blunt college kids when we were young; we met rushing a sorority together and became friends during the pledge and initiation periods.

We had a wonderful time and she is a great host. Her son is just adorable and smart as a whip. We went to the beach, the pool and the latest opened N.C. Aquarium (June 06). It was really fun to be with another parent who enjoys the learning process with their kids and it was neat to feel that friendship come back so easily.

When we talked over the phone before the visit, we’d talked a lot about adoption. She was adopted when she was very young and while the kids played, she was able to really give me a sense of things Hayley will face. Things I never imagined she would have to deal with came up and I’m grateful to have heard them. She even opened up some to Hayley, who was really astonished to her what she had to say. I know it gave Hayley some comfort that others have been through adoption issues. And I think my friend was pleased to hear a child talk so openly about adoption and her birth family. My friend praised us on how we were handling adoption issues - which was nice to hear because I know she never bothers to BS people.

Our webkinz blog has taken off. It started climbing over the past few weeks, hitting about 600-800 page views a day. Then the past week has been a new high almost every day. Friday - 1,300 page views… Saturday - 1,800 page views and then today a whopping 4,733 page views and one post with 350 comments alone. Hayley is so excited by it all, she predicts page count totals each day.

Evidently parents are cool with their kids on the blog b/c it is overseen by a mother and the kids like to trade object through the blog, not to mention get hints, etc. I’ve had so many nice posts from parents. One told me that their kid had read more of our blog than the combination of all the books he cracked - and the parent thought it was awesome because the kid was happy to read it, looking for tips and such. At this rate, Hayley might be near the same levels in terms of how much she has written or work on this summer.

Hayley loves posting on it. She is now comfortable with taking a screenshot, cropping and saving it in photoshop, then ftping it to our server and posting it in the blog with some text. I helped her but she typed her first line of straight html on Friday. She can now copy an img src line and edit it to call a different image. How cool is that??

I’ve even got some of the regular kids to start their own blogs and helped them with some basic html stuff. I like interacting with them all this way.

I fear Hayley will never be the kind of kid who likes schoolwork. So far, she doesn’t have the focus of Jeff or the curiousity about things that I had but that doesn’t mean there aren’t things and ways of learning that she won’t excel in. She could be a late bloomer anyway but knowing she can do something - something most kids can’t - is really good for her self-esteem and her academic skills. Perhaps she is a graphic learner and will use visual things to illustrate her work. She might be a photographer, a graphic designer, a fashion designer, an architect, who knows. But as Jeff said tonight, we just need to play to her strengths and go from there. And right now, her unabashed love of webkinz tops the list.

Calm after the very mild storm

I was jarred from my sleep this morning by a petulant child who was mad her father was making her eat some strawberries with breakfast. She knows better than to wake me up on a weekend morning, I like to sleep and Jeff gets up early anyway. So he is in charge and I won’t override him.

I rolled back over and listened to her complaint for a minute and then said again, talk to dad. And then I went right back to sleep. I heard her half-stomp downstairs but went back to my blissfully rest for another hour.

I woke up ready to walk into the tornado. When she starts up in a bad mood that early, it can be a tough day. But I came down to a quiet Bach concerto and the duo working on their 1,000 piece Mona Lisa puzzle she picked out. They’ve been working on it for about a week. I love it when they find a nice activity to share, especially ones that can help her quiet her mind and focus.

They were charming when they grinned up at me as I came down the stairs. I smiled and went on with my morning in a relatively peaceful way. I’m still holding my breath but I’m more optimistic than I was early this morning.

Anger, from both of us.

Tonight I am mad.

MAD

I am mad that this child has so much pain in her heart.
I am mad that this child has been exposed to such anger and violence.

Our sweet child’s rage cycles have returned. I know with changes in her life, it always comes back. She didn’t make a soccer team and she is repeating the year, plus the school year has ended so she is unfettered right now. I had her in a basketball camp but pulled her out because I felt she needed time to decompress, time to run around the neighborhood and be a child, to hit the pool, to shake out the willies.

It seemed to be helping until tonight when she lied about something, which followed a lie at swim practice last night. Then the mouth started up and she back talked me. I told her she would not be going to swim team practice and she was grounded. I stayed calm and collected but she went off. She spiralled quickly down into plummeling me, slapping me, stratching me. It was off the charts.

I have never hit this child. I have loved her with all my heart and I will always. I am the most consistent person I could be with her. I never make a promise I can’t keep. We sleep with her snuggled between us. She is our heart.

I walked through a downpour to get to her Tuesday night, soaked to the skin and cold, with rain hitting my face so hard it stung - all because I knew if I wasn’t with her during a storm, she would cry. I’d do anything for her.

But she has to learn to respect adults and authority. She doesn’t trust, she has been failed by adults too much already. But we pay the prize, we dredge through the pain and suffering of this angel, trying to save her. Trying to give her a normal life.

I am mad that her childhood was ripped away. I am mad adults have failed her. I an mad I have marks and lumps on my arms from the beating. It breaks my heart when she crawls up on me after, crying and telling me I shouldn’t love her, that she is so sorry. I hate that she can even have the idea that someone could stop loving her. I never could, I never will.

We are doing the right things - checking her meds, considering going back to therapy, trying to grasp what is the root of her upheaval right now. And this too will pass and we won’t waive from our love and dedication to her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to be mad as hell.

Some days

Some days you just have to have faith in the plan you’ve set in motion and ride out the bad times. Trials and tribulations come and go. They seem so intense when they happen and once you are over one if another one hits quickly, it all piles back on. I just have to believe I’ve made the right decisions and just following through on them will keep the course moving forward to good things. I can’t control the past, it is the future that is in my hands.

This will pass - or so I keep reminding myself every ten minutes or so.