baby showers

I hated baby showers since I was trying to conceive. It just seemed like a cruel joke that everyone else got to get pregnant - some by mistake and I had to buy them a gift! I think what upset me most was the feeling of failure, like my body was an out of control vending machine. Maybe it was the questions - ‘oh you’ve been married since 98, when will you have a baby?’

I know that no one meant to hurt me, they just were including me in the mix. I wanted so badly in my heart of hearts to be the one the shower was for, to be the one talking about names, due dates, symptoms and nurseries. Instead I was the one getting shots from my husband, have horrible ultrasounds all the time, going through the monthly defeats my body dealt me.

Not long ago, we went to a shower for a friend. It was small and comfy, and we could bring our kids so we had a great time. For the first time in so long, I was happy to be going. I found myself in a toy store just thrilled about the shower, buying things left and right. It hit me later - I was going to the shower as a member of the moms’ club, not the outsider.

I used to seeth with anger at some people for having babies. Even if they didn’t deserve the animosity, I certainly was sure I deserved the baby more. But this time I wasn’t even jealous of my friend soon to have a baby. I would have loved to have had Hayley as a baby but only Hayley, not any other baby.  I wouldn’t make that trade.

I realized this shower helped me with a lot of healing, with understanding how far I’ve come to putting my heart back to get and how much I love my little family.