Open

I needed to shut the doors for awhile but I’m feeling better about opening it back up now. I might change my mind again, who knows.

This isn’t about any of our family groups, it is about something else that I don’t feel like really writing about.

I have a lot to catch up on here so I’ll try to get on all of that. I’ve removed the ton of photos and last names here. Just a few sporadic photos. I guess I’m moving more into a closed setting here.

Calm after the storm

I’m a bit calmer this morning.

We’ve decided not to go talk to the parents who we suspect are keeping their kids away from Hayley. Could we say anything to change their minds - no, they’ve made their decision already about her. A rational parent would have come to us to talk about it. I am sorry that their children learned things from our child that they weren’t ready to learn. She knows better but we can’t take it back and if they want to judge a child, then so be it.

Now of course, any parent at the party with questions we are happy to talk to - more than willing to apologize and explain. We don’t know who all heard it all but if they contact the parent, I’ve already told her to send them my way as well as giving the parent information to tell them.

Hayley woke up late last night and came downstairs to see me as I finished working. We turned out the lights and talked. I find she is more honest when she doesn’t have to be seen. I think something about the dark frees us all. I asked her if something going on had made her think more about what had happened. She said she just was thinking about it more because things reminded her. I asked her what things and she couldn’t really find an answer.

I suppose this is just something that had to come up in her. That all the contact with people really opened up some doors in her mind. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know but maybe it is more of a necessary thing.

We talked about contact and she still wants to see and talk to people in her birthfamily, which is good and important. She said she’d like people to call once a month and not at the same time (I think she meant the same day really). I asked her if she wanted to see them all each a few times a year and she was happy about that idea.

I think she is just saying we need to manage things better. Keep her from being overloaded but also keep those connections going. Maybe we need to set up a schedule so everyone gets to talk to her but not at the same time.

By now it was 1am and she was laying on her back on top of me in the recliner. I asked her if she needed to talk about anything else. She of course just wanted to go to bed or get a snack. I asked her if she was ok, if she was happy. She rolled over, hugged me and said she was happy, she liked it here a lot and didn’t ever want to leave. And then came the most amazing thing from her little brain - she told me I didn’t need to be anyone but me and I was a very good mom. I tell her that about just being herself regularly (as well as she doesn’t need to be anything but nine). It was very strange to her say it back to me but she seemed to know how upset I was over everything, already picking up on my ability to blame myself when all things bad happen.

I vetoed the snack idea and we decided to go to bed. She slept like a rock.

Explosion

Things have shattered as of tonight. So many small signals we didn’t take seriously enough have exploded into a huge situation.

She has been telling people about the sexual abuse. It became pretty darn clear when a parent drove over to our house today to tell us how Hayley told people at a birthday party about what happened. She managed to tell a kid who she fights with all the time so I’m sure that’s going to come out at school now. Several other kids were there too and they all went to their parents confused.

After lying repeatedly, it all came tumbling out that she had told other people as well. She also has been adding more to the story, adding fake details as well.

She’s just been thinking about it more since many people in her birth family have been interacting with her. This has been too much, too fast for her. There are too many people emailing and calling more than she needs. I hate to say that but she just needs to be HAYLEY for awhile, not adopted Hayley, not abused Hayley. Just a CHILD. Some people are going to be pissed and I’m sorry but we are going to have to structure things to protect and insulate her more.

I am so tired of trying to tape this child’s psych back together. I am so tired of watching her hurt and lash out. She’s exploded today and already hurt me physically, throwing things, already mouthing off and calling names. She is in pain and we feel like we are in a war zone with shrapnel flying. I love her and I’ll never ever stop trying to help her but I’m so furious about her past right now.

Another tooth down, another $2; Tunes

Well we had another tooth fairy visit, her seventh to the house! After Hayley’s antics over five of the six teeth she lost, this one was a breeze. She told it was loose one day and came home from school having pushing & poked it out. The tooth fairy increased the money from $1 to $2 and was smart enough to know Hayley was in Mom & Dad’s bed not her own. Fhew, smart tooth fairy.

She is back to being gap toothed some which always cracks me up. She’s so cute. She’s got a braid and beads in her hair that she won’t take out, eventho it has been over 10 days. I’m not going to fight her.

Soccer starts this evening and she is all excited, really pumped up. She actually RAN today to get used to the heat. It was her own suggestion. She has been eating so well and being so active, she’s ready for the season.

The big excitement is I’m taking her and a friend to Walnut Creek (the local big amphitheater) for a concert on the 22nd - from High School Musical and star of Jump In Corbin Bleu , Drake Bell from Drake & Josh and Ally & AJ from Disney. If you know young kids, High School Musical is so insanely popular it blows your mind. And they all love Drake and Josh on Nick, the two mismatched step-brothers who get into all sorts of antics. Personally I’m more of a Josh fan but they all love the dreamy musician Drake.

They don’t care much for Ally & AJ so we’ll leave when they go on - it is a school night. But we’ve got premier parking access so we can get in and out quick and her friend is spending the night, so we’ll come right home and put the kids to bed.

I cleared it with her friend’s mom first - I hate to put parents in positions they don’t want to be in and when Hayley called her friend to tell them about it, they were screaming for Corbin and Drake. I love taking her to concerts, this will be her third but the first I’ve been completely sure will be appropriate from the music to the fans (meaning no doobie smokers like at Steely Dan). These acts are good clean Disney/Nickelodeon stars who happen to be pretty good singers and actors. I actually enjoy some of these songs.

Recharging

Inspiration can come from such unusual sources. We went to the beach to stay with my old college roommate last week. Mind you, we’d spoken some on the phone but hadn’t seen each other in almost 17 years. We were both quirky and blunt college kids when we were young; we met rushing a sorority together and became friends during the pledge and initiation periods.

We had a wonderful time and she is a great host. Her son is just adorable and smart as a whip. We went to the beach, the pool and the latest opened N.C. Aquarium (June 06). It was really fun to be with another parent who enjoys the learning process with their kids and it was neat to feel that friendship come back so easily.

When we talked over the phone before the visit, we’d talked a lot about adoption. She was adopted when she was very young and while the kids played, she was able to really give me a sense of things Hayley will face. Things I never imagined she would have to deal with came up and I’m grateful to have heard them. She even opened up some to Hayley, who was really astonished to her what she had to say. I know it gave Hayley some comfort that others have been through adoption issues. And I think my friend was pleased to hear a child talk so openly about adoption and her birth family. My friend praised us on how we were handling adoption issues - which was nice to hear because I know she never bothers to BS people.

Peace

Things have been remarkably peaceful eventhough we are just as busy as can be. Soccer has just ended for the year but her challenge soccer tryouts are soon. Tennis lessons just started for a few weeks and we switched to a new stable for riding that is more involved. Swim team has started practice and we have a mock meet in about 9 days. She has been so kind to the other younger kids she knows who are in their first year of swim team.

The End of Grade tests were earlier this week and we got word today that she passed the reading part on or above grade level, which is really great news. We still are going to let her repeat this year but she is ok with that too. It really is for the best.

She’s learning how saying ‘thank you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ in normal tones works so much better than snarling it. It has taken us so long to get that through to her. She is content being silly more. She still gets in trouble and melts down but far more often she just apologizes and makes it right. Such a nice change!

Some of the spring clothes I got her are coming up short on her now. So I’m getting some size 10s too and now size 1.5 for her shoes for tennis. I’ve got to get her started on cigarettes and coffee soon. This growth thing doesn’t seem to be stopping on its own!

Oh yeah, I had my stylist highlight some of my hair blonde AND…bright pink! It looks awesome and I really am tickled by it. Hayley wants her hair short with some pink too now.

It is quiet here now. Jeff took her to the club for tennis and then she is going home with her friends from there. They’ll bring her home late night and we might just get to watch a R movie until then. Then we have swim team in the morning, a kids party at the pool, a fishing derby at the pond next to the pool after and a BBQ that night - I think by then we’ll just some home and cook out. Sunday we are going over to our friend’s Mark and Andrea’s house for a cookout for Memorial Day and because Mark defended his Phd thesis on yesterday in some brilliant part of chemistry. I’m happy for him but it also means they’ll probably be moving soon.

Hope everyone has a good Memorial Day weekend!

Spring Break

DSC_3689, originally uploaded by michelle hillison.

A good spring break so far! Hayley with the kids of my oldest friend and matron of honor in my wedding who just moved back to N.C.

Answering a question

We recently went to a party for a publication I work on. At the end of the night, the host’s wife, who is an educator and lovely person, remarked that Hayley must be an only child because of her precocious demeanor. Jeff, Hayley and I all laughed and I said she was an only child. As I got to the car it occurred to me, she is my only child but she is not an only child because she has a handful half-siblings (from both sides). I was crushed, feeling like I might have given my child a negative message about their existence or her life before us. I knew the only thing to do was open up and talk to her - and immediately.

So in the car I explained to her what I was thinking. Turned out it hadn’t even bothered her but it was a good opening to ask her how SHE wanted those questions answered. How much is too much to tell people? If we say certain things, we will open the door to questions she may not want answered in public. She has a right to confidentiality and she has a right to be a child, to try to live a more uncomplicated life. While sharing about adoption is something I feel passionate about, she is seven and I do not expect her to carry any placards around or be some adoption poster child.

I offered some suggestions and we agreed that the answer to give to most people is that she is OUR only child. However if we know the people or she feels like sharing, she can say she has sisters and brothers who live somewhere else. That worked for her and she said she thinks of herself as any only child most of the time too. Of course, she went on to talk about how she liked it because she didn’t have to share us and she got more gifts. Ending on a laugh helped.

For us, it has been important to talk about how to answer questions like these. I may offer suggestions but it is her words and her decisions. We aren’t programming her but we are giving her tools to use when she is put in positions that may feel uncomfortable, as well as doing the same for ourselves. I never want to share or say things that hurt her. Open communication is so important for us.

positive effort

Jason’s family and church want photos of him as Ramses and other ones so I was so happy to be able to send all those fun photos to them for a slideshow of him at the memorial.  It felt good to be able to do something positive for his family.

My friend on Dr. Phil

My dear friend Jenna, who writes the blog Family Living, Hatfield Style is going to be on Dr. Phil soon talking about unethical adoption issues. She is a birthmother with an open adoption with a great family, who I’ve gotten to know some as well online. Jenna is frequent commenter here as well as our personal private blogs. She has been a sounding board for me in opening up our adoption. Whenever I need an alternate perspective, she gives it to me unvarnished. She is the first birthmother I knew enough to ask blunt questions. Her pain and honesty have made me consider things I really wasn’t prepared to deal with in my mind.

Adoption is such a hot button issue these days - think of the cases we’ve had just here in the Triangle with the Needham twins abduction to Canada, the death of the adopted little boy from foster care and the death of the adopted Russian child. These cases have made people think about adoption.

In the past, the perception of birth parents was often wrong. Much of America had such a lousy opinion of birth mothers; it is getting better but people like Jenna are going really help people see birth parents in a new light. Some people harbor fantasies about birth mothers - they either want to beleive that they are a smart lovely 16 year old who make a single mistake with her nice boyfriend, or they think they are cruel, heartless and drug addicted women. Jenna is neither of those but is closer to the former as she is a wonderful woman living now a happy life. After placing her daughter, she finished college, got a good job, got married and had another child. She’s a charming and smart woman who stays in touch with her daughter and adopted family. She is present in her daughter’s life.

Some of the people who are against adoption rave on and on, generalizing problems in the industry as more rampant than they are. Thank goodness we don’t live in a time with the true evil adoption agencies of the past that stole, coerced and did whatever they wanted with no records. However there are still cases where the agencies involved haven’t handled things in a way that protects everyone’s needs. And that is what Jenna is going to talk about on Dr. Phil. She is going to wow everyone and it will help really educate the general public.

I support open adoption discussions becase adoption is not perfect. Changes need to be made to several parts of the process and options made available. A woman should never be coerced into adoption. Women should have counseling offered to them, time to make decisions and access to the resources to make that happen.

However I still think adoption is good and I have faith in people that adoption can be reformed and emerge in a form to protect threchild, birthmothers and adoptive parents alike. My adoption was ethical and I’m comfortable with how it was all handled. Everyone should have that feeling - all three members of the triad.