Therapy

Therapy is well underway. I’m not going to talk about details but we have had some help hammering out the open adoption parameters which we’ll share soon with everyone. It does help to have someone who supports open adoption involved but also supports caution and ensuring the child’s needs first.

We are so lucky to have this therapist back in our lives.

Therapy

We had some issues with Hayley sharing some of her abuse stories with people that she doesn’t need to tell. Other children don’t need to know these things. But it has been on her mind and she is clearly going through another growth spurt in her mind about everything.

We knew all along that she would go back into therapy as she grew up. At every stage she’ll need to sort the abuse out again. Plus with a lot of visits from people and a planned first visit in three years to her birthmom G coming up, she may need to sort things out again in her mind. Not necessarily a bad thing - perhaps a healthy one but something she needs someone else to talk to besides us. She is growing up and no matter how open I try to be, I know at times she is conscious she is talking to me about her first mom G and never wants to hurt me. We speak openly all the time and I’m actually developing a solid relationship with G, but that really doesn’t change the dynamic to a child.

I was tracking down therapists and we lucked out! Our most wonderful therapist from the adoption agency is now in private practice. She was amazing and phenomenal. Her support for us as a family was so amazing and her help for Hayley was key to her development.

So Hayley’s got someone to talk to freely and openly, someone we know has experience with adoption and abuse, with open adoption and with the parenting styles we like (since she hooked us up with them). Hayley was fine with going to therapy and down right thrilled to be seeing Jody. She isn’t on our insurance plan but to find a therapist you adore and trust, that is a specialist in what you need, that is in your city and that your kid loves - you’ll pay our of your pocket for that connection.

You ever watch that show Intervention on A&E? It’s about people struggling with addictions and their families try to get them to rehab. Each episode they do a family history and every time there is some key event where the addict is damaged. Every time the people mean well but the future addict doesn’t get help or resolve their issues. I watch the show a lot and I promised myself that Hayley wouldn’t be that person. That she’d get the best of help that we could get her as early on as we can. That we wouldn’t be the family who hid from things, who kept things secret or ignored the signs that she needed help.

She’s happy about it so all is well with that.

Lovely visits

I have been remiss about writing about two great visits.

First, we had Nana & Poppy who are Hayley’s grandparents through her birthmom visit. We had them stay at the house, which was a big step for us. They offered to stay in a hotel but I didn’t want them to waste their short time here with a hotel - it is much more fun to be in pajamas and playing around the house. We let them take her to the pool alone and I didn’t worry, I knew they were coming back and everything was fine. I just wanted them to have some time with her without us seemingly monitoring them.

So they got to see her world here - her home, her friends, her school, etc. And we had some good talks, Nana and I stayed up late talking about things. Mostly sharing stories but also sharing perspectives and becoming even better friends. It was a great visit.

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The next big visit was Hayley getting to see her birthdad D, her grandparents (his folks), her brothers and D’s wife. She hadn’t seen D more than a handful of short visits when she was young so this picnic in the park for several hours was a big step.

She was so scared he wouldn’t show up. She doesn’t really remember meeting him the last time when she was about five. It broke my heart for her to be so worried and I was glad she could sleep some in the car. We finally all got the park and D came up to see her. She looked up at him with those big blue eyes, wanting him to like her so badly. He scooped her up in his arms to hold her. I had to put on my sunglasses because I was tearing up.

She played soccer with him, ran around the playground and lake with her brothers, ate about five bites of food with her grandparents before running back off to play. We took lots of photos and it too was a great visit. They are nice people and we enjoying just hanging outside in great weather with them. They were easy to chat with and the kids had a ball. Hayley wanted to know him and her brothers so badly. I tell her all the time having more people to love you is a good thing and I think she is finally seeing that.

When we left, D and I had a chance to talk some. I told him I was proud of him for doing this. Stepping up to the plate isn’t the easiest thing. Opening yourself up this way is hard - he’s got issues to sort out with all of this as well. He’s a nice guy and he was really good to her. If he never does anything else again, just coming that day was one of the greatest gifts he could give her.

She has a mommy and daddy, that’s us but she has another mother and father who love her very much too, not to mention grandparents, brothers and sisters. The better relationships she has with them, the more she’ll know she was placed for her own good, out of love - not abandoned or rejected. And that they love her enough to keep being involved.

Open

I needed to shut the doors for awhile but I’m feeling better about opening it back up now. I might change my mind again, who knows.

This isn’t about any of our family groups, it is about something else that I don’t feel like really writing about.

I have a lot to catch up on here so I’ll try to get on all of that. I’ve removed the ton of photos and last names here. Just a few sporadic photos. I guess I’m moving more into a closed setting here.

Forward

The conference went well. Her grades and conduct are the best they’ve ever been. I’m really proud of her and she’s doing well. Clearly this all was the right decision - the grades are great but the conduct and happiness in the classroom shows she is where she needs to be. The teacher said it would help knowing them things are coming up for her that might be difficult for her to deal with overall.

Of course Hayley still calls me twice a week from school over perceived aches and pains but I do think she is happy in the classroom. She’s running to the teacher too often about things too but as I explained to the teacher we’ve worked really hard to instill faith in adults as well as the idea of if you need help get an adult. However at nine years old it is time to move to the next step in clarify things more in regards to what you need to go to an adult about for help but I can’t say I’m mad that she doesn’t hesitate to open her mouth and talk to adults. It is much easier to help a child who some days won’t stop talking and wears their emotions on their sleeves than a child that won’t share. We know what is up with her most of the time.

Last night she asked me if should she stopped telling people she is adopted. I told her no, not to fib about that  because it is wrong in general and because it negates the existence of her first family who does love her very much. She never ever needs to deny or hide that … but that she doesn’t need to tell people that all the time - we all should only share things about our lives when it is relevant. It’s great to share when friends are talking about siblings, to share an event about seeing a birthparent or sibling recently, when adoption comes up or you have something specific to share that relates to your birth families. Or really when she wants to share with a friend or family about it but she doesn’t need to share that all the time or use it as an excuse with friends and in school.

She doesn’t need to wear a nametag that says, “Hello I’m Adopted”. And I do think dialing that back some will help her be just Hayley for awhile.

It isn’t adoption overall that is the problem right now and I don’t want other children, especially  children who also were adopted, to feel like adoption is a negative thing. The core of her problems right now are due to the abuse and the ramifications of that which definitely included the adoption. Of course adoption is a huge part of this, grief and loss are tremendous things to deal with but it is only a part of the issue involved.

We talked about what to say when you are upset as well. I told her if she is upset, she can share the details with her counselor and teachers at school but she doesn’t need to give the lunch lady all the information. I helped her find her words to use to tell people when she is upset and she decided on, “I’m upset because of some things going on in my family”. I told her that isn’t a lie, all of us are her family and in fact that is what she is upset about. I used a goofy example to help. I told her if she were home from school because she was throwing up and a friend called her to play, I wouldn’t tell the friend she was puking - I would just say she was sick. Everyone doesn’t need to know ALL the details and being a bit more vague is not lying.

I hope that will help her to be more insulated from prying children who are pushing her for more information and by not getting upset when dragging out all the details. I’ve called several people I know for a recommendation for therapists and we are pursuing that avenue now.

A friend of mine just stopped by with his beautiful daughter to pick up some work stuff. I held this innocent angel of a baby and thought about how we all write on the slates of our children with our words and deeds - good and bad. Sometimes you can re-write things but like when you erase anything, there is always a trace left.

Explosion

Things have shattered as of tonight. So many small signals we didn’t take seriously enough have exploded into a huge situation.

She has been telling people about the sexual abuse. It became pretty darn clear when a parent drove over to our house today to tell us how Hayley told people at a birthday party about what happened. She managed to tell a kid who she fights with all the time so I’m sure that’s going to come out at school now. Several other kids were there too and they all went to their parents confused.

After lying repeatedly, it all came tumbling out that she had told other people as well. She also has been adding more to the story, adding fake details as well.

She’s just been thinking about it more since many people in her birth family have been interacting with her. This has been too much, too fast for her. There are too many people emailing and calling more than she needs. I hate to say that but she just needs to be HAYLEY for awhile, not adopted Hayley, not abused Hayley. Just a CHILD. Some people are going to be pissed and I’m sorry but we are going to have to structure things to protect and insulate her more.

I am so tired of trying to tape this child’s psych back together. I am so tired of watching her hurt and lash out. She’s exploded today and already hurt me physically, throwing things, already mouthing off and calling names. She is in pain and we feel like we are in a war zone with shrapnel flying. I love her and I’ll never ever stop trying to help her but I’m so furious about her past right now.

Visiting

We had a visit from Hayley’s maternal birth grandparents. They came up from Florida and stayed the night with us on their way back to see their family. The visit went well. Most of what I was afraid was the unknown I know now. We let them have a lot of time alone, even leaving the house to go to the pool, which was slightly scary at times but I knew I could trust them.

We talked about some things I know Hayley will want to know - first words, first steps, etc. Hayley was great - lovely manners and very polite. She mouthed off once but curbed herself quickly with one look and word from me. We took them to her school, around where we eat/shop/etc and had our neighbors come over because Hayley talks about them so much. So they got to see her life and they’ll know where and what she is talking about when she tells them things.

The whole thing was scary but turned out well. We really had nothing to be scared about.

Checking in…

Things have continued on the upswing with behavior. She seems to be getting more and more control over herself - like she is learning she does have those mental brakes to stop.

Her grades are fairly solid. I’d have liked them higher since she is re-doing this year but the reality is I’d be very thrilled with these grades last year. I just need to remember that and not even remember she had a year of this already - plus this teacher is harder than last year and demands more. Most important she is happy and feeling happy there.

Soccer has started and she is loving being pushed hard. She’s made new friends on the team and loves having home/away jerseys, etc. I think she loves the idea of all the trips to play in tournaments most!

Opening the final door

I had good talks with Hayley’s birthmom G and birthgrandmother Nana on Sunday. I wish there were better words then “birth” for that designation. I only use them so people understand what I’m saying but part of me wishes there was a way to do that and make it seem less of a big deal. I know some people use ‘first’ mom and I do sometimes. But Hayley tends towards just calling her birthmom by her given name, Mom or Momma G.

Regardless of all of that, I’ve made the decision to let G see Hayley in the fall. G wanted to do it sooner but I wanted it to be when Hayley is tracked out of school and can really decompress from it all. Hayley usually is fine on the way back from visiting birthfamily but eventually her confusion, anger or whatever seeps out.

G has done all the things I asked of her. She has observed the boundaries, she has communicated regularly along the guidelines I set up and been respectful of our family. I’ve tried to be respectful of her role in Hayley’s life, which is always going to be there. Considering G and I weren’t even talking last year, this has been a really solid development. We can actually have pleasant conversations about the kids and life. This chat she even put her youngest (Hayley’s half-sister F) on the phone with me since I met her on a visit.

I really hope that is how things can be. I know at times G will not agree with how we are raising Hayley and I know she knows I didn’t agree with some things that happened in the past. But since those are both given in the equation, I’m hoping we can just avoid those pitfalls. I think it would benefit Hayley to see both of her moms get along. I’m not looking for a new best pal or anything but I don’t want Hayley to feel any tension.

However I have to admit I’m scared. I’m scared of Hayley feeling cheated, I’m scared of Hayley comparing us and me coming up short. I’m scared of sharing her. Being scared never stopped me from doing anything but I’m not very comfortable admitting vulnerability. After all my solution to that anxiety is to over worry and be a control freak. I suppose this is something like wedding or a college, a tradition that implies the changing of a relationship, the sharing of your child with someone or some thing else.

Confidence restored

The monkey is a happy glowwing kid again. Four days of sports achievements has her feeling excited and chipper again.

–First, Hayley played her first round of golf (even if it was a modified best ball one) on Thursday. She had so much fun and was dying to play even more when I had to drag her off the course. I told her there was no pressure here, just have fun and she did.

–Thursday night the swim team finished the weather delayed Thursday and won again! She swam well but had to swim up in some main events because of some absences from her age group (there are ten girls in 9-10, four kids in a main events/eight in a relay - and she is the youngest kid in 9-10). When they win at home, they get to jump in the pool to celebrate and boy did they have some fun doing that, lol. They are now 3-0 on the season (4-0 if you include the mock warmup meet). Hayley loves winning.

–Friday she went to the U.S. Women’s Open with my folks and had a lot of fun. I don’t think she would have enjoyed it as much if she hadn’t just been at golf camp. She and my folks got interviewed by a reporter for a story in the Wilmington Star-News!

Chapel Hill resident Gordon Perry, a PGA teaching pro (”now retired,” he added with a knowing nod), his wife, JoAnne, and granddaughter Hayley Hillison had just settled into a shady spot just off the 15th tee.

“We’ve been coming year after year,” Gordon said. “Coming in at No. 1 is more impressive.”

The Perrys said they had found their spot for the day, which was just fine with 9-year-old Hayley, who took her first golf lesson last week.

“I hit it about 100 yards,” Hayley said. “I think it’s pretty cool to watch them. It’s my first time.”

And in the end, even at the far reaches of the course, it’s about the golf. Annika Sorenstam’s putt for par drew the largest ovation.

“I’m coming to watch Michelle Wie,” Hayley said matter-of-factly. “And I came to watch the girl in the pink. But I can’t remember her name right now.” (It’s Paula Creamer.)

–Then Saturday she had her tryout with the other soccer program I found that had a challenge tryout. If you remember, I was very conflicted about letting her tryout but she wanted to do it.

Totally different result even if it was hotter than heck. We didn’t even leave the tryout before the coach offered her a slot on their U10 Challenge team (challenge is the next level up from recreation ball, they train twice a week for 90 minutes and play each weekend around the area as well as some travel tournaments). They use more of an academy format for challenge which turns out seems to be a pretty good format as I’m learning about it. Turns out she knows two girls on the team, so she is just over the moon thrilled. I feel like I did the right thing. I know she’ll have to deal with disappointments in life and she did handle the first misstep but she is nine and she’s been through a lot. If I can find her opportunities for HER to excel, then I’m going to do it every time.