break

I’m taking a break from here for awhile. Things have been overwhelming, sometimes seeming like moves that will create long term progress but sometimes lousy. I’m tired of experts, meetings, psychiatrists, teachers, counselors, trying to find her all the help she needs in all the areas she needs it.

I know we are lucky to have the resources to get her help but some days it seems like a really big bucket that we just add drops. I think I’ve lost my ability to have a voice here for awhile. Writing here was really for myself to get my feelings out and examine them but now every time I get over here to write, I don’t have much to say because I’ve been talking and talking and talking to people.

I edited this from last night because it sounded much more down last night and it wasn’t so much of that, just my general fatigue from advocating.

For the joy of books

For the first time she has picked up a book and genuinely enjoyed reading it - not wanting to even stop. She is happily reading Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein. She’s got good taste at least!

Where the Sidewalk Ends and all the other Silverstein poetry books were ones I loved as a kid and still can recite parts of the poems from the book (Sarah Sylvia Cynthia Stout would not talk the garbage out, which was my favorite).

She wants to read so many of them and loves making sounds or using her voice along with them. We are just laughing our butts off at them.

Educating

November is National Adoption Month and I try to do something positive each November. This year I decided to approach a guidance counselor at Hayley’s school about educating the teachers about positive adoption language as well as some of the educational challenges that adoptees can face in the classroom.

One teacher asked me why Hayley’s mom get rid of her - ahh, no one got rid of anyone.

Another asked where is her real mom - Gee, I’m right here and her first mom is a couple hours away. We are both real.

A teacher once told me he didn’t know how to deal with a project problem that I challenged him about because it didn’t have anyway for us to include her birth family in it - to his credit, he took my suggestions and changed the project

The same teacher said he’d never had a student who was adopted in his class in the seven years he was teaching. I told him I was sure he had, he just never had a family that was this open about it. Three kids in that very class turned out to be adopted - and one of the mother who adopted mentioned it because she saw stuff about Hayley’s birthfamily in her project.

My goal here is for teachers to be more sensitive to adoption, to use language that respects all parts of the triad and for them to be comfortable with children in open adoptions.

It took awhile but I got a call back from the guidance counselor who said she has run it past the principal and would love to talk more.

Therapy

We had some issues with Hayley sharing some of her abuse stories with people that she doesn’t need to tell. Other children don’t need to know these things. But it has been on her mind and she is clearly going through another growth spurt in her mind about everything.

We knew all along that she would go back into therapy as she grew up. At every stage she’ll need to sort the abuse out again. Plus with a lot of visits from people and a planned first visit in three years to her birthmom G coming up, she may need to sort things out again in her mind. Not necessarily a bad thing - perhaps a healthy one but something she needs someone else to talk to besides us. She is growing up and no matter how open I try to be, I know at times she is conscious she is talking to me about her first mom G and never wants to hurt me. We speak openly all the time and I’m actually developing a solid relationship with G, but that really doesn’t change the dynamic to a child.

I was tracking down therapists and we lucked out! Our most wonderful therapist from the adoption agency is now in private practice. She was amazing and phenomenal. Her support for us as a family was so amazing and her help for Hayley was key to her development.

So Hayley’s got someone to talk to freely and openly, someone we know has experience with adoption and abuse, with open adoption and with the parenting styles we like (since she hooked us up with them). Hayley was fine with going to therapy and down right thrilled to be seeing Jody. She isn’t on our insurance plan but to find a therapist you adore and trust, that is a specialist in what you need, that is in your city and that your kid loves - you’ll pay our of your pocket for that connection.

You ever watch that show Intervention on A&E? It’s about people struggling with addictions and their families try to get them to rehab. Each episode they do a family history and every time there is some key event where the addict is damaged. Every time the people mean well but the future addict doesn’t get help or resolve their issues. I watch the show a lot and I promised myself that Hayley wouldn’t be that person. That she’d get the best of help that we could get her as early on as we can. That we wouldn’t be the family who hid from things, who kept things secret or ignored the signs that she needed help.

She’s happy about it so all is well with that.

Forward

The conference went well. Her grades and conduct are the best they’ve ever been. I’m really proud of her and she’s doing well. Clearly this all was the right decision - the grades are great but the conduct and happiness in the classroom shows she is where she needs to be. The teacher said it would help knowing them things are coming up for her that might be difficult for her to deal with overall.

Of course Hayley still calls me twice a week from school over perceived aches and pains but I do think she is happy in the classroom. She’s running to the teacher too often about things too but as I explained to the teacher we’ve worked really hard to instill faith in adults as well as the idea of if you need help get an adult. However at nine years old it is time to move to the next step in clarify things more in regards to what you need to go to an adult about for help but I can’t say I’m mad that she doesn’t hesitate to open her mouth and talk to adults. It is much easier to help a child who some days won’t stop talking and wears their emotions on their sleeves than a child that won’t share. We know what is up with her most of the time.

Last night she asked me if should she stopped telling people she is adopted. I told her no, not to fib about that  because it is wrong in general and because it negates the existence of her first family who does love her very much. She never ever needs to deny or hide that … but that she doesn’t need to tell people that all the time - we all should only share things about our lives when it is relevant. It’s great to share when friends are talking about siblings, to share an event about seeing a birthparent or sibling recently, when adoption comes up or you have something specific to share that relates to your birth families. Or really when she wants to share with a friend or family about it but she doesn’t need to share that all the time or use it as an excuse with friends and in school.

She doesn’t need to wear a nametag that says, “Hello I’m Adopted”. And I do think dialing that back some will help her be just Hayley for awhile.

It isn’t adoption overall that is the problem right now and I don’t want other children, especially  children who also were adopted, to feel like adoption is a negative thing. The core of her problems right now are due to the abuse and the ramifications of that which definitely included the adoption. Of course adoption is a huge part of this, grief and loss are tremendous things to deal with but it is only a part of the issue involved.

We talked about what to say when you are upset as well. I told her if she is upset, she can share the details with her counselor and teachers at school but she doesn’t need to give the lunch lady all the information. I helped her find her words to use to tell people when she is upset and she decided on, “I’m upset because of some things going on in my family”. I told her that isn’t a lie, all of us are her family and in fact that is what she is upset about. I used a goofy example to help. I told her if she were home from school because she was throwing up and a friend called her to play, I wouldn’t tell the friend she was puking - I would just say she was sick. Everyone doesn’t need to know ALL the details and being a bit more vague is not lying.

I hope that will help her to be more insulated from prying children who are pushing her for more information and by not getting upset when dragging out all the details. I’ve called several people I know for a recommendation for therapists and we are pursuing that avenue now.

A friend of mine just stopped by with his beautiful daughter to pick up some work stuff. I held this innocent angel of a baby and thought about how we all write on the slates of our children with our words and deeds - good and bad. Sometimes you can re-write things but like when you erase anything, there is always a trace left.

Sliding down

I came in to volunteer in Hayley’s classroom today. I do this every year and really enjoy it. I get to work with small groups of kids and goof off - well not REALLY goof off but make them laugh while they learn. I had a small group of kids who needed some extra math practice so we headed to the media center to work, of course Hayley tagged along even though she knew the material. The kids were sweet and were quickly chugging right along on their math with smiles.

I was faking my jocular mood. I arrived as the kids were still outside for recess and the teacher had some sobering news. Hayley had a meltdown at lunch, sobbing in the cafeteria about meeting her birthfather and brothers this weekend. The lunch ladies had to take her aside and get her teacher.

I found her outside jumping rope with friends and she didn’t want to talk about it then. We talked some at home. We talked about things to do when we are hurting and things to say so we don’t have to tell everything all the details of our lives because it then puts pressure on her to tell MORE than she needs to tell.

We think it just might be anxiety over it, which would be very valid. We waited until late last night to tell her about the visit and she was thrilled. Hayley is a kid that needs to know what is happening to her, you can’t just surprise a child that has been abused and neglected. They have power and control issues and need a chance to ready themselves for a situation. But I also didn’t want her over thinking things either. Sigh - how am I supposed to know what is the balance?

We’ll be there at 8 in the morning for a conference. Then I’ll come home and start calling therapists.

Explosion

Things have shattered as of tonight. So many small signals we didn’t take seriously enough have exploded into a huge situation.

She has been telling people about the sexual abuse. It became pretty darn clear when a parent drove over to our house today to tell us how Hayley told people at a birthday party about what happened. She managed to tell a kid who she fights with all the time so I’m sure that’s going to come out at school now. Several other kids were there too and they all went to their parents confused.

After lying repeatedly, it all came tumbling out that she had told other people as well. She also has been adding more to the story, adding fake details as well.

She’s just been thinking about it more since many people in her birth family have been interacting with her. This has been too much, too fast for her. There are too many people emailing and calling more than she needs. I hate to say that but she just needs to be HAYLEY for awhile, not adopted Hayley, not abused Hayley. Just a CHILD. Some people are going to be pissed and I’m sorry but we are going to have to structure things to protect and insulate her more.

I am so tired of trying to tape this child’s psych back together. I am so tired of watching her hurt and lash out. She’s exploded today and already hurt me physically, throwing things, already mouthing off and calling names. She is in pain and we feel like we are in a war zone with shrapnel flying. I love her and I’ll never ever stop trying to help her but I’m so furious about her past right now.

Best ever!

Hayley brought home her mid-quarter interim grades and it was her best report card EVER. The academic grading scale is 1 (lowest) through 4 (highest), and she got all 3s. The conduct grading scale is 1 (lowest) through 3 (highest) - she got all 3s there too!

I feel like we finally have her where she should be in school and these sort of grades are going to make her confidence soar.

FHEW!

Checking in…

Things have continued on the upswing with behavior. She seems to be getting more and more control over herself - like she is learning she does have those mental brakes to stop.

Her grades are fairly solid. I’d have liked them higher since she is re-doing this year but the reality is I’d be very thrilled with these grades last year. I just need to remember that and not even remember she had a year of this already - plus this teacher is harder than last year and demands more. Most important she is happy and feeling happy there.

Soccer has started and she is loving being pushed hard. She’s made new friends on the team and loves having home/away jerseys, etc. I think she loves the idea of all the trips to play in tournaments most!

Nine days and counting

Nine days with no punches thrown! I’m so proud of her. It is more than the lack of physical aggression, she is really back to being charming and kind much of the time. When she is back to what I feel is her natural disposition she is funny, helpful and willing to be reasonable.

She has a new friend that she plays with as often as humanly possible. The minute they are home from school, the door is knocking or the phone ringing. They are together so often they’ve eaten dinner together, had evening/afternoon snacks together and roam the streets like a crime fighting duo. They are begging for a sleepover. Very nice parents, live just one street over. Super nice kid who listens, cleans up and is polite.

Of course this is pretty normal stuff for kids but the thing here is the friend is a boy! They are inseparable and play together better than she has played with any other kid. Tonight they played here from 5 to 6pm, then I took them to the pool from 6:30 to 8:00, then they came back here for snacks and he went home about 8:30. Not one argument, just tons of laughter and play.

I’m skittish about this spend the night thing with a boy. Their idea was he would sleep in the guest room but I dunno. He is about 18 months younger and honestly they are a great match in maturity levels right now.

She already has two birthday party invites from girls in her class so clearly repeating didn’t do her any real social harm. I suspect she is happier there because she is getting good grades and on a more natural level emotionally as these kids. Most of her homework is done before she even gets home which is a huge change from last year.

Soccer has started and she is doing well! Three practices a week at 90 minutes each is tough but she loves it. Some of these kids are really excellent and I know they are going to make her better. She is thrilled because they’ll travel some around the state (and SC) for festivals and tournaments.