Forward

The conference went well. Her grades and conduct are the best they’ve ever been. I’m really proud of her and she’s doing well. Clearly this all was the right decision - the grades are great but the conduct and happiness in the classroom shows she is where she needs to be. The teacher said it would help knowing them things are coming up for her that might be difficult for her to deal with overall.

Of course Hayley still calls me twice a week from school over perceived aches and pains but I do think she is happy in the classroom. She’s running to the teacher too often about things too but as I explained to the teacher we’ve worked really hard to instill faith in adults as well as the idea of if you need help get an adult. However at nine years old it is time to move to the next step in clarify things more in regards to what you need to go to an adult about for help but I can’t say I’m mad that she doesn’t hesitate to open her mouth and talk to adults. It is much easier to help a child who some days won’t stop talking and wears their emotions on their sleeves than a child that won’t share. We know what is up with her most of the time.

Last night she asked me if should she stopped telling people she is adopted. I told her no, not to fib about that  because it is wrong in general and because it negates the existence of her first family who does love her very much. She never ever needs to deny or hide that … but that she doesn’t need to tell people that all the time - we all should only share things about our lives when it is relevant. It’s great to share when friends are talking about siblings, to share an event about seeing a birthparent or sibling recently, when adoption comes up or you have something specific to share that relates to your birth families. Or really when she wants to share with a friend or family about it but she doesn’t need to share that all the time or use it as an excuse with friends and in school.

She doesn’t need to wear a nametag that says, “Hello I’m Adopted”. And I do think dialing that back some will help her be just Hayley for awhile.

It isn’t adoption overall that is the problem right now and I don’t want other children, especially  children who also were adopted, to feel like adoption is a negative thing. The core of her problems right now are due to the abuse and the ramifications of that which definitely included the adoption. Of course adoption is a huge part of this, grief and loss are tremendous things to deal with but it is only a part of the issue involved.

We talked about what to say when you are upset as well. I told her if she is upset, she can share the details with her counselor and teachers at school but she doesn’t need to give the lunch lady all the information. I helped her find her words to use to tell people when she is upset and she decided on, “I’m upset because of some things going on in my family”. I told her that isn’t a lie, all of us are her family and in fact that is what she is upset about. I used a goofy example to help. I told her if she were home from school because she was throwing up and a friend called her to play, I wouldn’t tell the friend she was puking - I would just say she was sick. Everyone doesn’t need to know ALL the details and being a bit more vague is not lying.

I hope that will help her to be more insulated from prying children who are pushing her for more information and by not getting upset when dragging out all the details. I’ve called several people I know for a recommendation for therapists and we are pursuing that avenue now.

A friend of mine just stopped by with his beautiful daughter to pick up some work stuff. I held this innocent angel of a baby and thought about how we all write on the slates of our children with our words and deeds - good and bad. Sometimes you can re-write things but like when you erase anything, there is always a trace left.

Sliding down

I came in to volunteer in Hayley’s classroom today. I do this every year and really enjoy it. I get to work with small groups of kids and goof off - well not REALLY goof off but make them laugh while they learn. I had a small group of kids who needed some extra math practice so we headed to the media center to work, of course Hayley tagged along even though she knew the material. The kids were sweet and were quickly chugging right along on their math with smiles.

I was faking my jocular mood. I arrived as the kids were still outside for recess and the teacher had some sobering news. Hayley had a meltdown at lunch, sobbing in the cafeteria about meeting her birthfather and brothers this weekend. The lunch ladies had to take her aside and get her teacher.

I found her outside jumping rope with friends and she didn’t want to talk about it then. We talked some at home. We talked about things to do when we are hurting and things to say so we don’t have to tell everything all the details of our lives because it then puts pressure on her to tell MORE than she needs to tell.

We think it just might be anxiety over it, which would be very valid. We waited until late last night to tell her about the visit and she was thrilled. Hayley is a kid that needs to know what is happening to her, you can’t just surprise a child that has been abused and neglected. They have power and control issues and need a chance to ready themselves for a situation. But I also didn’t want her over thinking things either. Sigh - how am I supposed to know what is the balance?

We’ll be there at 8 in the morning for a conference. Then I’ll come home and start calling therapists.

Explosion

Things have shattered as of tonight. So many small signals we didn’t take seriously enough have exploded into a huge situation.

She has been telling people about the sexual abuse. It became pretty darn clear when a parent drove over to our house today to tell us how Hayley told people at a birthday party about what happened. She managed to tell a kid who she fights with all the time so I’m sure that’s going to come out at school now. Several other kids were there too and they all went to their parents confused.

After lying repeatedly, it all came tumbling out that she had told other people as well. She also has been adding more to the story, adding fake details as well.

She’s just been thinking about it more since many people in her birth family have been interacting with her. This has been too much, too fast for her. There are too many people emailing and calling more than she needs. I hate to say that but she just needs to be HAYLEY for awhile, not adopted Hayley, not abused Hayley. Just a CHILD. Some people are going to be pissed and I’m sorry but we are going to have to structure things to protect and insulate her more.

I am so tired of trying to tape this child’s psych back together. I am so tired of watching her hurt and lash out. She’s exploded today and already hurt me physically, throwing things, already mouthing off and calling names. She is in pain and we feel like we are in a war zone with shrapnel flying. I love her and I’ll never ever stop trying to help her but I’m so furious about her past right now.

Visiting

We had a visit from Hayley’s maternal birth grandparents. They came up from Florida and stayed the night with us on their way back to see their family. The visit went well. Most of what I was afraid was the unknown I know now. We let them have a lot of time alone, even leaving the house to go to the pool, which was slightly scary at times but I knew I could trust them.

We talked about some things I know Hayley will want to know - first words, first steps, etc. Hayley was great - lovely manners and very polite. She mouthed off once but curbed herself quickly with one look and word from me. We took them to her school, around where we eat/shop/etc and had our neighbors come over because Hayley talks about them so much. So they got to see her life and they’ll know where and what she is talking about when she tells them things.

The whole thing was scary but turned out well. We really had nothing to be scared about.

Checking in…

Things have continued on the upswing with behavior. She seems to be getting more and more control over herself - like she is learning she does have those mental brakes to stop.

Her grades are fairly solid. I’d have liked them higher since she is re-doing this year but the reality is I’d be very thrilled with these grades last year. I just need to remember that and not even remember she had a year of this already - plus this teacher is harder than last year and demands more. Most important she is happy and feeling happy there.

Soccer has started and she is loving being pushed hard. She’s made new friends on the team and loves having home/away jerseys, etc. I think she loves the idea of all the trips to play in tournaments most!

Opening the final door

I had good talks with Hayley’s birthmom G and birthgrandmother Nana on Sunday. I wish there were better words then “birth” for that designation. I only use them so people understand what I’m saying but part of me wishes there was a way to do that and make it seem less of a big deal. I know some people use ‘first’ mom and I do sometimes. But Hayley tends towards just calling her birthmom by her given name, Mom or Momma G.

Regardless of all of that, I’ve made the decision to let G see Hayley in the fall. G wanted to do it sooner but I wanted it to be when Hayley is tracked out of school and can really decompress from it all. Hayley usually is fine on the way back from visiting birthfamily but eventually her confusion, anger or whatever seeps out.

G has done all the things I asked of her. She has observed the boundaries, she has communicated regularly along the guidelines I set up and been respectful of our family. I’ve tried to be respectful of her role in Hayley’s life, which is always going to be there. Considering G and I weren’t even talking last year, this has been a really solid development. We can actually have pleasant conversations about the kids and life. This chat she even put her youngest (Hayley’s half-sister F) on the phone with me since I met her on a visit.

I really hope that is how things can be. I know at times G will not agree with how we are raising Hayley and I know she knows I didn’t agree with some things that happened in the past. But since those are both given in the equation, I’m hoping we can just avoid those pitfalls. I think it would benefit Hayley to see both of her moms get along. I’m not looking for a new best pal or anything but I don’t want Hayley to feel any tension.

However I have to admit I’m scared. I’m scared of Hayley feeling cheated, I’m scared of Hayley comparing us and me coming up short. I’m scared of sharing her. Being scared never stopped me from doing anything but I’m not very comfortable admitting vulnerability. After all my solution to that anxiety is to over worry and be a control freak. I suppose this is something like wedding or a college, a tradition that implies the changing of a relationship, the sharing of your child with someone or some thing else.

Cautious calm

I don’t want to jinx myself but Hayley has been doing so well. I think the core thing to remember is that her chronological age is not her emotional age. She is nine in terms of birthdays but she is really about eight based on maturity. That’s no crime in any child but when you consider all the chaos it isn’t a big deal.

She has been great about going to school since it started Monday. Very polite and well-spoken - a lot of thank yous these days. Most important only ONE hit in ten days and it was pretty much inadvertent elbow screaming. She may yell and backtalk but we are just focusing on one thing at a time, the hitting. We even praise her for yelling and not hitting. She is soaking in the positive reinforcement and it is really making a difference. Don’t underestimate how hard walking away can be.

Third grade seems a good fit for her emotionally. She is already doing math that they don’t even do in third grade. She got some flak from one kid about repeating the year but this kid has been giving her crap since 1st grade.

She even had a classmate we didn’t know about come down to say hey yesterday. He lives right around the corner basically. So that’s three kids in her class already that are in our neighborhood.

Recharging

Inspiration can come from such unusual sources. We went to the beach to stay with my old college roommate last week. Mind you, we’d spoken some on the phone but hadn’t seen each other in almost 17 years. We were both quirky and blunt college kids when we were young; we met rushing a sorority together and became friends during the pledge and initiation periods.

We had a wonderful time and she is a great host. Her son is just adorable and smart as a whip. We went to the beach, the pool and the latest opened N.C. Aquarium (June 06). It was really fun to be with another parent who enjoys the learning process with their kids and it was neat to feel that friendship come back so easily.

When we talked over the phone before the visit, we’d talked a lot about adoption. She was adopted when she was very young and while the kids played, she was able to really give me a sense of things Hayley will face. Things I never imagined she would have to deal with came up and I’m grateful to have heard them. She even opened up some to Hayley, who was really astonished to her what she had to say. I know it gave Hayley some comfort that others have been through adoption issues. And I think my friend was pleased to hear a child talk so openly about adoption and her birth family. My friend praised us on how we were handling adoption issues - which was nice to hear because I know she never bothers to BS people.

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Yank

I was thinking about how quickly time was going by these days. Things are taking a turn for the better in general, the new meds seem to be helping, at least in the short term. In her last swim meet, Hayley had two sixth places, two fourths, a third and then she won her heat in the butterfly!

To counter balance the good news, Hayley has some upcoming medical stuff with her toenails. When she came to us her toenails had odd striations, peeling layers and in grown in some places. Her teeth were pretty bad as well - four cavities to file and caps already on her front teeth. Somewhere along the line, a lot of things got missed. We did all the repairs on her teeth quickly but we hoped the toenails would get better with well fitting shoes, good hygiene and care with a good diet.

It helped some but not enough so we went to the doctor. She said that normally we might have had a chance to heal them with taking care of them but that they were too far gone with neglect for us to have fixed it. She thinks Hayley might have mild psoriasis which caused the striping but that the issues were too far reaching otherwise. So as soon as swim team ends, they’ll take off both toenails. It should be at a least a week before school starts and good few weeks before soccer. It’ll take six months to grow them back in but they shouldn’t hurt anymore about 3-4 days after they come out. She is taking it well - as well as a nine year old can about getting a shot in her toe and losing two nails.

I’m not interested in pointing fingers, I’m just sad for her. I’m sad she’s had to go through so many emotional and physical issues at this age that most kids never will.