The here and now …

I got an email asking me to please think about posting again but I’m still unsure of how I feel about posting. Hayley’s life is more and more her own each day. I still talk about adoption regularly and about how we are managing ours but again there are more people involved that I don’t want to harm or complicate matters with.

Hayley is growing like a weed and doing well. She’s ten now and really well-adjusted these days. Her grades are very good, she’s still playing sports and she’s funnier and smarter every day I think.

Our adoption is still open but it is more driven by her desires now that what I feel we ’should’ do. I’m one of those people who gets stuck in the ’shoulds’ sometimes and I had to step back, with the help of Hayley and her therapist, and make sure I’m hearing what she has to say about the level of contact with her birth family. She is able to actually express how she feels about things pretty well - I’m very proud she is able to put her thoughts and feelings into words at this age. She’s happy, she doesn’t want to lose anyone and she knows they are there so she’s freed from some of her worries.

We continue to grow and learn all the time about ourselves as parents and the stewards of this journey with Hayley. She teaches us a lot too.

I love her and we are all fine. Thanks for asking.

McCain and adoption

This isn’t about who you are voting for so let’s all take off our partisan hats.

How many of you remember the snotty rumors last presidential election cycle that John McCain had a “love child” out of wedlock with an African-American woman? Oh the horror!

The truth was that his wife Cindy founded a group that organized trips for Arizona doctors and nurses to areas in need to medical assistance - think a Doctor’s Without Borders sort of group for disaster areas. On one such trip to Bangladesh, she fell in love with a baby living at an orphanage run by Mother Theresa - a child that needed more medical care than they could provide on the mission. So she bundled her up and took her home to the US with her, calling John from an airport to tell him he was about to having another child. Their daughter Bridget is now going on 17 and like most of the McCain children, kept away from the press for their privacy.

Bridget wasn’t the only child Cindy McCain got involved with - she shepherded another child from the same orphanage to be adopted by a family friend.

I won’t even get into the insanely bigoted ideas involved in all of this. It is too sad to even hash out. McCain has been honest and open but understated in terms of coming out swinging. He tends to be protective of his children’s privacy, which isn’t a bad thing in this day and age.

I’d sure like to see him and his wife be more vocal if his daughter feels comfortable with it at some point.

I found a
great interview with McCain on adoption that had some interesting excerpts on the topic:

On the rumors
There were some pretty vile and hurtful things said during the South Carolina primary. It’s a really nasty side of politics. We tried to ignore it and I think we shielded her from it. It’s just unfortunate that that sort of thing still exists. As you know she’s Bengali, and very dark skinned. A lot of phone calls were made by people who said we should be very ashamed about her, about the color of her skin. Thousands and thousands of calls from people to voters saying “You know the McCains have a black baby” I believe that there is a special place in hell for people like those.

On the adoption process:
They were very intrusive. Unfortunately it is a disincentive to some parents because it’s so much easier to go overseas. And that leaves us, in this country, with thousands of children who want parents and thousands of parents who want children. One of the goals I’ve had for a long time is to try to encourage a much less convoluted process in order for parents to adopt a child.

On Bridget:
She has enriched our lives. She’s a wonderful child, a complete part of our family and we love her.

Children’s Home Society

I love the adoption agency we adopted from, Children’s Home Society. On their list of waiting families is an interracial gay couple. It pisses me off every time I hear someone rant about gay people adopting. Gay isn’t a virus, they can’t pass it to kids and they aren’t indoctrinating kids as I heard one opponent say.

Foster kids need homes. If you are stable, kind and can be a good parent, welcome!

And don’t kid yourself either, there are a percentage of gay, bi or questioning teens that could have their lives saved by a gay couple. The suicide rate for GLB teens higher than the regular teen rate and healthy, stable role models could make a massive difference in a child’s life.

If you find what I’m saying offensive, I’m sorry that you can’t embrace diversity.

If you object to gay couples adopting, then step up to the plate and you adopt.

Great video on family who foster-adopted three abused children

VIDEO: Four-Years Later: Twins Found Caged Like Animals Now Thriving

Adoption law change in NC

I’m just passing this on for those of you in NC about the new law about connecting adoptees and birthparents through confidential intermediaries that goes into effect January 1, 2008. It is being set up to be run through adoption agencies and I just wanted to pass on info on a very trustworthy agency (Children’s Home Society) that is already taking information for people so they can start the process as soon as the guidelines and start date begin.

The NC General Assembly has recently passed legislation that will allow licensed child placing agencies to act as confidential intermediaries for adoptees, age 21 and older, and birth parents who wish to provide updated medical information. If both parties want additional information or possible contact, then identifying information can be shared with mutual consent. In addition, a licensed child placing agency may agree to act as a confidential intermediary for the adoptive parents of a minor adoptee to obtain non-identifying birth family health information. The new law becomes effective January 1, 2008.

Guidelines from the State Department of Social Services about implementation of the program will be forthcoming in the next several months. If you are interested in intermediary services, CHS is currently accepting letters of request with the understanding that no action can be taken until after 1/1/08. A fee will be charged for this service but the amount has not been set. You may send a letter stating that you are interested in intermediary services to Post Adoption, Children’s Home Society of NC, PO Box 14608, Greensboro, NC 27415. Please include your full name, date of birth, a copy of your driver’s license or other picture ID, and all contact information including an e-mail address if available. If you are an adoptee, we need your adoptive parent’s names. If you are a birth parent, include the name you were using at the time you received services through the agency.

Excerpt from HB 445:
A child placing agency licensed by the Department or a county department of social services may agree to act as a confidential intermediary for a biological parent or adult adoptee or adult lineal descendant of a deceased adoptee, without appointment by the court pursuant to G.S. 48‑9‑105, in order to obtain and share nonidentifying birth family health information or facilitate contact or share identifying information with adult adoptees, adult lineal descendants of deceased adoptees, and biological parents with the written consent of all parties to the contact or the sharing of information. Further, a child placing agency licensed by the Department or a county department of social services may agree to act as a confidential intermediary for the adoptive parents of a minor adoptee, without appointment by the court pursuant to G.S. 48‑9‑105, to obtain and share nonidentifying birth family health information. An agency that agrees to provide confidential intermediary services may charge a reasonable fee for doing so, which fee must be pursuant to written agreement signed by the individual to be charged. The Division shall establish guidelines for confidential intermediary services.”

http://www.chsnc.org/b_adoption_services/legislation.html

Therapy

Therapy is well underway. I’m not going to talk about details but we have had some help hammering out the open adoption parameters which we’ll share soon with everyone. It does help to have someone who supports open adoption involved but also supports caution and ensuring the child’s needs first.

We are so lucky to have this therapist back in our lives.

One of those nights

She has this internal anger that is very hard to control. Her first reaction to many things is violence. I fear she saw too much of it before and still in her subconscious reacts without her even thinking. She has never been hit once here but she still reacts with such escalated anger.

Tonight she hit me, bit me, scratched and sprayed a chemical cleaner at my hand, which was covering my face. This was actually something going on with her and Jeff over a mess she had mad but so much of the physical violence is directed at me as is typical in children with her issues. We don’t flinch but it is unacceptable to harm me. She begs for me when she is angry, sits on me crying and seething. She says she’s done nothing but when I tell her I love her always however I won’t reduce her punish or absolve her, a switch can just flip and she’s furious again. We all know she did things - it was only five minutes ago she was harming me. She may hate it but deep down she is begging for boundaries and limits.

She always feels horrible after, always just wants to be held and cries. She begs for forgiveness. We continue to work on her learning to identify her feelings, express feelings with words and find other alternatives to violence. She isn’t violent at school and she has been less and less violent over the past four weeks, so I know she can make headway on this. I don’t expect her anger to just be *gone* but I worry about this cataclysmic violence.

I’ve been reading several books again that were helpful and some books by the same authors (more Love and Logic books and their connected authors). I’ve got my reminders need by on how to respond to things and I’ve been feeling really good about how I’m dealing with things - doesn’t mean the outcome is always good. This is about management, not erasure. This is a journey, not a sprint.

I’ve gotten two goodnight hugs and a small chipper voice just told me goodnight again from the top of the stairs. I think she just wants to know I am still here. I am still here.

Educating

November is National Adoption Month and I try to do something positive each November. This year I decided to approach a guidance counselor at Hayley’s school about educating the teachers about positive adoption language as well as some of the educational challenges that adoptees can face in the classroom.

One teacher asked me why Hayley’s mom get rid of her - ahh, no one got rid of anyone.

Another asked where is her real mom - Gee, I’m right here and her first mom is a couple hours away. We are both real.

A teacher once told me he didn’t know how to deal with a project problem that I challenged him about because it didn’t have anyway for us to include her birth family in it - to his credit, he took my suggestions and changed the project

The same teacher said he’d never had a student who was adopted in his class in the seven years he was teaching. I told him I was sure he had, he just never had a family that was this open about it. Three kids in that very class turned out to be adopted - and one of the mother who adopted mentioned it because she saw stuff about Hayley’s birthfamily in her project.

My goal here is for teachers to be more sensitive to adoption, to use language that respects all parts of the triad and for them to be comfortable with children in open adoptions.

It took awhile but I got a call back from the guidance counselor who said she has run it past the principal and would love to talk more.

Lovely visits

I have been remiss about writing about two great visits.

First, we had Nana & Poppy who are Hayley’s grandparents through her birthmom visit. We had them stay at the house, which was a big step for us. They offered to stay in a hotel but I didn’t want them to waste their short time here with a hotel - it is much more fun to be in pajamas and playing around the house. We let them take her to the pool alone and I didn’t worry, I knew they were coming back and everything was fine. I just wanted them to have some time with her without us seemingly monitoring them.

So they got to see her world here - her home, her friends, her school, etc. And we had some good talks, Nana and I stayed up late talking about things. Mostly sharing stories but also sharing perspectives and becoming even better friends. It was a great visit.

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The next big visit was Hayley getting to see her birthdad D, her grandparents (his folks), her brothers and D’s wife. She hadn’t seen D more than a handful of short visits when she was young so this picnic in the park for several hours was a big step.

She was so scared he wouldn’t show up. She doesn’t really remember meeting him the last time when she was about five. It broke my heart for her to be so worried and I was glad she could sleep some in the car. We finally all got the park and D came up to see her. She looked up at him with those big blue eyes, wanting him to like her so badly. He scooped her up in his arms to hold her. I had to put on my sunglasses because I was tearing up.

She played soccer with him, ran around the playground and lake with her brothers, ate about five bites of food with her grandparents before running back off to play. We took lots of photos and it too was a great visit. They are nice people and we enjoying just hanging outside in great weather with them. They were easy to chat with and the kids had a ball. Hayley wanted to know him and her brothers so badly. I tell her all the time having more people to love you is a good thing and I think she is finally seeing that.

When we left, D and I had a chance to talk some. I told him I was proud of him for doing this. Stepping up to the plate isn’t the easiest thing. Opening yourself up this way is hard - he’s got issues to sort out with all of this as well. He’s a nice guy and he was really good to her. If he never does anything else again, just coming that day was one of the greatest gifts he could give her.

She has a mommy and daddy, that’s us but she has another mother and father who love her very much too, not to mention grandparents, brothers and sisters. The better relationships she has with them, the more she’ll know she was placed for her own good, out of love - not abandoned or rejected. And that they love her enough to keep being involved.

Forward

The conference went well. Her grades and conduct are the best they’ve ever been. I’m really proud of her and she’s doing well. Clearly this all was the right decision - the grades are great but the conduct and happiness in the classroom shows she is where she needs to be. The teacher said it would help knowing them things are coming up for her that might be difficult for her to deal with overall.

Of course Hayley still calls me twice a week from school over perceived aches and pains but I do think she is happy in the classroom. She’s running to the teacher too often about things too but as I explained to the teacher we’ve worked really hard to instill faith in adults as well as the idea of if you need help get an adult. However at nine years old it is time to move to the next step in clarify things more in regards to what you need to go to an adult about for help but I can’t say I’m mad that she doesn’t hesitate to open her mouth and talk to adults. It is much easier to help a child who some days won’t stop talking and wears their emotions on their sleeves than a child that won’t share. We know what is up with her most of the time.

Last night she asked me if should she stopped telling people she is adopted. I told her no, not to fib about that  because it is wrong in general and because it negates the existence of her first family who does love her very much. She never ever needs to deny or hide that … but that she doesn’t need to tell people that all the time - we all should only share things about our lives when it is relevant. It’s great to share when friends are talking about siblings, to share an event about seeing a birthparent or sibling recently, when adoption comes up or you have something specific to share that relates to your birth families. Or really when she wants to share with a friend or family about it but she doesn’t need to share that all the time or use it as an excuse with friends and in school.

She doesn’t need to wear a nametag that says, “Hello I’m Adopted”. And I do think dialing that back some will help her be just Hayley for awhile.

It isn’t adoption overall that is the problem right now and I don’t want other children, especially  children who also were adopted, to feel like adoption is a negative thing. The core of her problems right now are due to the abuse and the ramifications of that which definitely included the adoption. Of course adoption is a huge part of this, grief and loss are tremendous things to deal with but it is only a part of the issue involved.

We talked about what to say when you are upset as well. I told her if she is upset, she can share the details with her counselor and teachers at school but she doesn’t need to give the lunch lady all the information. I helped her find her words to use to tell people when she is upset and she decided on, “I’m upset because of some things going on in my family”. I told her that isn’t a lie, all of us are her family and in fact that is what she is upset about. I used a goofy example to help. I told her if she were home from school because she was throwing up and a friend called her to play, I wouldn’t tell the friend she was puking - I would just say she was sick. Everyone doesn’t need to know ALL the details and being a bit more vague is not lying.

I hope that will help her to be more insulated from prying children who are pushing her for more information and by not getting upset when dragging out all the details. I’ve called several people I know for a recommendation for therapists and we are pursuing that avenue now.

A friend of mine just stopped by with his beautiful daughter to pick up some work stuff. I held this innocent angel of a baby and thought about how we all write on the slates of our children with our words and deeds - good and bad. Sometimes you can re-write things but like when you erase anything, there is always a trace left.