Therapy

Therapy is well underway. I’m not going to talk about details but we have had some help hammering out the open adoption parameters which we’ll share soon with everyone. It does help to have someone who supports open adoption involved but also supports caution and ensuring the child’s needs first.

We are so lucky to have this therapist back in our lives.

Hayley’s soccer team went to their first away weekend tournament in Myrtle Beach and took second place. It was tons of fun and she not only played well but behaved fairly well too for the weekend.

One game went to sudden death penalty kicks which her team prevailed in. Both teams’ parents were cheering and very passionate but it wasn’t mean spirited. After the game, Jeff and I made a point to yell over to the other parents what a good game it was and they thanked us. After the post-game handshake, our kids do a fun tunnel to honor the other team, which is returned. It’s a nice way to end the game, win or lose.

On the way back home, I was reminded of a story here in Raleigh where parents were banned from soccer matches a few weekends ago, Kids’ soccer league suspends grown-ups. The paper notes that six clashes between opposing parents as well as parents and refs erupted in three separate Challenge-division games. Challenge is the division Hayley plays it, it is the level up from recreation. They don’t mention the age level. She doesn’t play in that particular league but she did in the past and her team plays those teams at festivals.

At the same time I was considering how early we starts kids in sports here. We are guilty of that too. Hayley has played since she was six indoor and outdoor. Now at nine, we’ve moved up to challenge level and are traveling.

I’m not going to get banned from a game but I admit to be pissed off at other parents in the past, even a coach or two. I’ve gotten into one verbal squabble but it was only when a fellow parent had been harassed. I’ve been irked at Hayley for not giving effort. I really don’t care if she stinks but don’t be lazy and ignore your coaches. She was peeved at us for what she thought was criticism at the beach for a less than her best game. It took us awhile to explain to her we were not criticizing her but trying to help her understand that the McDonalds between games with a friend wasn’t good for her playing. She finally got what we were saying and even agreed by the next day. But is it screwed up that I can tell you what my child needs to eat to play well? That I know she needs gatorade before and after but water in behind?

But then again, I let her decide to quit playing the sport I love more than anything - basketball. I’ve let her ride horses, which I never did a day in my life. We just require she play sports, not which ones.

Passion by parents can be great if it supports the child’s desires but in the beginning parents do need to give their kids opportunities to play. In this day and age of early intense training what happens if your kids falls in love with a sport at 12? When I was a kid, sometimes people didn’t start playing a particular sport until middle school.

The fact now is that waiting until 12 would mean that your kid probably wouldn’t make a middle school team. By the time Hayley gets to middle school, she’ll have five and half years of almost year round soccer training. Even a very good athlete would struggle to catch up with a decent athlete who has had years of skill development already.

Which brings us back to the ever so passionate parents. Do you start early and try to avoid burnout? Or do you let your child figure it out on their own but be so behind the curve they might lose interest after facing better kids? I don’t know the answer, I suppose it is up to each parent.

I believe in sports. I believe in the lessons it can teach kids. Kids who play sports are healthier and less lucky to drop out of school. For children with ADD, sports can be a huge help in allowing them to runoff energy.

I think I’m just rambling here, trying to find the middle ground. Many of my posts are my way to work out things in my own noggin.

For the joy of books

For the first time she has picked up a book and genuinely enjoyed reading it - not wanting to even stop. She is happily reading Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein. She’s got good taste at least!

Where the Sidewalk Ends and all the other Silverstein poetry books were ones I loved as a kid and still can recite parts of the poems from the book (Sarah Sylvia Cynthia Stout would not talk the garbage out, which was my favorite).

She wants to read so many of them and loves making sounds or using her voice along with them. We are just laughing our butts off at them.

One of those nights

She has this internal anger that is very hard to control. Her first reaction to many things is violence. I fear she saw too much of it before and still in her subconscious reacts without her even thinking. She has never been hit once here but she still reacts with such escalated anger.

Tonight she hit me, bit me, scratched and sprayed a chemical cleaner at my hand, which was covering my face. This was actually something going on with her and Jeff over a mess she had mad but so much of the physical violence is directed at me as is typical in children with her issues. We don’t flinch but it is unacceptable to harm me. She begs for me when she is angry, sits on me crying and seething. She says she’s done nothing but when I tell her I love her always however I won’t reduce her punish or absolve her, a switch can just flip and she’s furious again. We all know she did things - it was only five minutes ago she was harming me. She may hate it but deep down she is begging for boundaries and limits.

She always feels horrible after, always just wants to be held and cries. She begs for forgiveness. We continue to work on her learning to identify her feelings, express feelings with words and find other alternatives to violence. She isn’t violent at school and she has been less and less violent over the past four weeks, so I know she can make headway on this. I don’t expect her anger to just be *gone* but I worry about this cataclysmic violence.

I’ve been reading several books again that were helpful and some books by the same authors (more Love and Logic books and their connected authors). I’ve got my reminders need by on how to respond to things and I’ve been feeling really good about how I’m dealing with things - doesn’t mean the outcome is always good. This is about management, not erasure. This is a journey, not a sprint.

I’ve gotten two goodnight hugs and a small chipper voice just told me goodnight again from the top of the stairs. I think she just wants to know I am still here. I am still here.

Educating

November is National Adoption Month and I try to do something positive each November. This year I decided to approach a guidance counselor at Hayley’s school about educating the teachers about positive adoption language as well as some of the educational challenges that adoptees can face in the classroom.

One teacher asked me why Hayley’s mom get rid of her - ahh, no one got rid of anyone.

Another asked where is her real mom - Gee, I’m right here and her first mom is a couple hours away. We are both real.

A teacher once told me he didn’t know how to deal with a project problem that I challenged him about because it didn’t have anyway for us to include her birth family in it - to his credit, he took my suggestions and changed the project

The same teacher said he’d never had a student who was adopted in his class in the seven years he was teaching. I told him I was sure he had, he just never had a family that was this open about it. Three kids in that very class turned out to be adopted - and one of the mother who adopted mentioned it because she saw stuff about Hayley’s birthfamily in her project.

My goal here is for teachers to be more sensitive to adoption, to use language that respects all parts of the triad and for them to be comfortable with children in open adoptions.

It took awhile but I got a call back from the guidance counselor who said she has run it past the principal and would love to talk more.

Therapy

We had some issues with Hayley sharing some of her abuse stories with people that she doesn’t need to tell. Other children don’t need to know these things. But it has been on her mind and she is clearly going through another growth spurt in her mind about everything.

We knew all along that she would go back into therapy as she grew up. At every stage she’ll need to sort the abuse out again. Plus with a lot of visits from people and a planned first visit in three years to her birthmom G coming up, she may need to sort things out again in her mind. Not necessarily a bad thing - perhaps a healthy one but something she needs someone else to talk to besides us. She is growing up and no matter how open I try to be, I know at times she is conscious she is talking to me about her first mom G and never wants to hurt me. We speak openly all the time and I’m actually developing a solid relationship with G, but that really doesn’t change the dynamic to a child.

I was tracking down therapists and we lucked out! Our most wonderful therapist from the adoption agency is now in private practice. She was amazing and phenomenal. Her support for us as a family was so amazing and her help for Hayley was key to her development.

So Hayley’s got someone to talk to freely and openly, someone we know has experience with adoption and abuse, with open adoption and with the parenting styles we like (since she hooked us up with them). Hayley was fine with going to therapy and down right thrilled to be seeing Jody. She isn’t on our insurance plan but to find a therapist you adore and trust, that is a specialist in what you need, that is in your city and that your kid loves - you’ll pay our of your pocket for that connection.

You ever watch that show Intervention on A&E? It’s about people struggling with addictions and their families try to get them to rehab. Each episode they do a family history and every time there is some key event where the addict is damaged. Every time the people mean well but the future addict doesn’t get help or resolve their issues. I watch the show a lot and I promised myself that Hayley wouldn’t be that person. That she’d get the best of help that we could get her as early on as we can. That we wouldn’t be the family who hid from things, who kept things secret or ignored the signs that she needed help.

She’s happy about it so all is well with that.

Lovely visits

I have been remiss about writing about two great visits.

First, we had Nana & Poppy who are Hayley’s grandparents through her birthmom visit. We had them stay at the house, which was a big step for us. They offered to stay in a hotel but I didn’t want them to waste their short time here with a hotel - it is much more fun to be in pajamas and playing around the house. We let them take her to the pool alone and I didn’t worry, I knew they were coming back and everything was fine. I just wanted them to have some time with her without us seemingly monitoring them.

So they got to see her world here - her home, her friends, her school, etc. And we had some good talks, Nana and I stayed up late talking about things. Mostly sharing stories but also sharing perspectives and becoming even better friends. It was a great visit.

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The next big visit was Hayley getting to see her birthdad D, her grandparents (his folks), her brothers and D’s wife. She hadn’t seen D more than a handful of short visits when she was young so this picnic in the park for several hours was a big step.

She was so scared he wouldn’t show up. She doesn’t really remember meeting him the last time when she was about five. It broke my heart for her to be so worried and I was glad she could sleep some in the car. We finally all got the park and D came up to see her. She looked up at him with those big blue eyes, wanting him to like her so badly. He scooped her up in his arms to hold her. I had to put on my sunglasses because I was tearing up.

She played soccer with him, ran around the playground and lake with her brothers, ate about five bites of food with her grandparents before running back off to play. We took lots of photos and it too was a great visit. They are nice people and we enjoying just hanging outside in great weather with them. They were easy to chat with and the kids had a ball. Hayley wanted to know him and her brothers so badly. I tell her all the time having more people to love you is a good thing and I think she is finally seeing that.

When we left, D and I had a chance to talk some. I told him I was proud of him for doing this. Stepping up to the plate isn’t the easiest thing. Opening yourself up this way is hard - he’s got issues to sort out with all of this as well. He’s a nice guy and he was really good to her. If he never does anything else again, just coming that day was one of the greatest gifts he could give her.

She has a mommy and daddy, that’s us but she has another mother and father who love her very much too, not to mention grandparents, brothers and sisters. The better relationships she has with them, the more she’ll know she was placed for her own good, out of love - not abandoned or rejected. And that they love her enough to keep being involved.