I had good talks with Hayley’s birthmom G and birthgrandmother Nana on Sunday. I wish there were better words then “birth” for that designation. I only use them so people understand what I’m saying but part of me wishes there was a way to do that and make it seem less of a big deal. I know some people use ‘first’ mom and I do sometimes. But Hayley tends towards just calling her birthmom by her given name, Mom or Momma G.
Regardless of all of that, I’ve made the decision to let G see Hayley in the fall. G wanted to do it sooner but I wanted it to be when Hayley is tracked out of school and can really decompress from it all. Hayley usually is fine on the way back from visiting birthfamily but eventually her confusion, anger or whatever seeps out.
G has done all the things I asked of her. She has observed the boundaries, she has communicated regularly along the guidelines I set up and been respectful of our family. I’ve tried to be respectful of her role in Hayley’s life, which is always going to be there. Considering G and I weren’t even talking last year, this has been a really solid development. We can actually have pleasant conversations about the kids and life. This chat she even put her youngest (Hayley’s half-sister F) on the phone with me since I met her on a visit.
I really hope that is how things can be. I know at times G will not agree with how we are raising Hayley and I know she knows I didn’t agree with some things that happened in the past. But since those are both given in the equation, I’m hoping we can just avoid those pitfalls. I think it would benefit Hayley to see both of her moms get along. I’m not looking for a new best pal or anything but I don’t want Hayley to feel any tension.
However I have to admit I’m scared. I’m scared of Hayley feeling cheated, I’m scared of Hayley comparing us and me coming up short. I’m scared of sharing her. Being scared never stopped me from doing anything but I’m not very comfortable admitting vulnerability. After all my solution to that anxiety is to over worry and be a control freak. I suppose this is something like wedding or a college, a tradition that implies the changing of a relationship, the sharing of your child with someone or some thing else.
August 7, 2007 at 1:32 am
I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.
When I read stories about how hard it is for foster and adoptive families to honor and come to terms with birth families, it makes me glad we have no idea where our daughter’s birth family is.
Of course their absence creates a different set of problems, and a sense of loss in our child that is unparalleled. Despite this, I wouldn’t trade this set of problems for another, especially after knowing all the terrible things they did and failed to prevent.
August 9, 2007 at 9:37 am
Not that it’s at ALL the same, but I know when I met my biofamily at 17 or 18, I could tell my father was feeling exactly the same way. Like I’d be lost to him in some way.
I never was. I told him he was the one who was THERE, he taught me all the important lessons. I would never leave him. He was my Daddy, as you are now her Mommy.
don’t worry. Guard her safety, but if you’re doing the job it sounds like you are, you have nothing to fear.