Anger, from both of us.

Tonight I am mad.

MAD

I am mad that this child has so much pain in her heart.
I am mad that this child has been exposed to such anger and violence.

Our sweet child’s rage cycles have returned. I know with changes in her life, it always comes back. She didn’t make a soccer team and she is repeating the year, plus the school year has ended so she is unfettered right now. I had her in a basketball camp but pulled her out because I felt she needed time to decompress, time to run around the neighborhood and be a child, to hit the pool, to shake out the willies.

It seemed to be helping until tonight when she lied about something, which followed a lie at swim practice last night. Then the mouth started up and she back talked me. I told her she would not be going to swim team practice and she was grounded. I stayed calm and collected but she went off. She spiralled quickly down into plummeling me, slapping me, stratching me. It was off the charts.

I have never hit this child. I have loved her with all my heart and I will always. I am the most consistent person I could be with her. I never make a promise I can’t keep. We sleep with her snuggled between us. She is our heart.

I walked through a downpour to get to her Tuesday night, soaked to the skin and cold, with rain hitting my face so hard it stung - all because I knew if I wasn’t with her during a storm, she would cry. I’d do anything for her.

But she has to learn to respect adults and authority. She doesn’t trust, she has been failed by adults too much already. But we pay the prize, we dredge through the pain and suffering of this angel, trying to save her. Trying to give her a normal life.

I am mad that her childhood was ripped away. I am mad adults have failed her. I an mad I have marks and lumps on my arms from the beating. It breaks my heart when she crawls up on me after, crying and telling me I shouldn’t love her, that she is so sorry. I hate that she can even have the idea that someone could stop loving her. I never could, I never will.

We are doing the right things - checking her meds, considering going back to therapy, trying to grasp what is the root of her upheaval right now. And this too will pass and we won’t waive from our love and dedication to her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to be mad as hell.