Questionable clothing

I’ve had some battles with Hayley about clothes over the past few years but for the most part, I simply don’t buy her what I think is inappropriate. Don’t get me wrong, I get that she is a girl and wants to look trendy - and I accept that I’m a prep who has about 20 pairs of khaki shorts, many in stages of loving disrepair. She’s got lots of Old Navy and Justice stuff but a bunch of Lands End, Belks and Children’s Place too.

She’s at golf camp in the mornings this week and there are three girls in the group. I’d even asked if there were other girls enrolled when I signed her up to be sure but I guess I should have asked if there were any other girls who weren’t teenage hoochie girls. Mind you, this isn’t a public golf course. This is a country club with a dress code. It is definitely relaxed for the kids - some kids have tshirts on but nothing ratty, Hayley had a sleeveless polo which technically you should have sleeves.

However, I’m pretty sure they weren’t thinking two girls would show up in those shorty shorts that girls wear at swim meets, gymnastics or cheerleading. You know those soffe short shorts? Hayley has some for swimming to wear and I can even see why cheer and gymnasts wear them - they need no leg restriction for some moves. Eventhough they have like a 2 inch inseam anyway, a lot of girls roll the waistband even lower so they sit right on their hips.

You know both those girls today had them on, right along with their surly teenage girl attitudes. Clearly they were there with their brothers and did not want to be there. I’m just happy they aren’t in Hayley’s age group but I still hate that those are the models she is presented with at this camp.

Casual

Hayley had a nice talk with her birthmom G and then later with her Nana (birth grandma). She was happy to talk to her younger sister F too when G called.

The nice thing now is those calls don’t worry Hayley. She doesn’t make lists of what to say or cling to the phone. It is just her family calling. She knows she’ll talk to them again and she just chits chats with whatever she wants to tell them, just random kid stuff. I know it can be tough on them because they want so much to connect to her but I hope they understand they are connected to her BECAUSE she is so casual with them. She knows the connection is there and she can call on it when she needs it.

She’ll hand me the phone to talk and I’ll chat with them as well. I know it helps her to have me having a positive relationship too. I want her to see we can all get along because we love her THAT much. I always fear losing her as she gets older but you know, I can’t do anything about that. But by sharing her, I hope it means as she gets older we can all share her adulthood and all be proud of the person she has become.

I don’t know what the future holds but so far this open adoption is going pretty well and I’m astounded how respectful her first family has been of the boundaries - by respecting them, it makes me feel safe to share more and more of her life with them.

Another round?

We’ve found another challenge level soccer team that has a few openings. I called them and they said they’d love to have her do one of their supplemental tryouts for the team. She wants to, Jeff wants to and I want her to as well.

But what if she doesn’t make it? Have I shattered her self-esteem completely after two rejects? At what point does giving your child opportunities they may fail become counter productive?

But what is she makes it and her confidence is restored? Is it worth the chance to do that?

Is she too emotionally frail to do all of this? She keeps practing during the day though, seeking out the better and older kids in the neighborhood to help her get better. She wants this and is working for it.

Evening

Things are evening out a bit. She is still pretty frustrately way too easily but she’s not spoiling for a fight and cursing me out. Small victories count too!

The other side of Father’s Day

Hayley was so tentative about talking to her birthdad on Father’s Day. I finally got her to be ok with calling him later in the evening but no one answered. She just doesn’t know him well and I honestly think that topic is one of the things she is bouncing around in her mind - just who is this guy and how do I place him in my world?

The man she thought of as her father when she was young abused her. It took her a long time to really bond with Jeff as a ‘father’ and know she is. And we are both fine with her birthdad having a role in her life and he seems to want to do that but we’ve really yet to move forward. He’s taking some steps but they are few and far between. His family seems more interested in keeping in touch. I don’t want to turn this into something mean spirited or bash him at all, I’m just being honest. I’ve opened the door and Hayley has been willing to try but it can’t be on us. I know this isn’t easy for him and I know it is harder for men to relate to reaching out. I hope he can, for both of their sakes.

Post-doc

The meeting with the doctor went well and as I posted, he thinks we are moving down that bi-polar path. We are transitioning her meds to a more traditional bi-polar series of meds and we’ll go from there. In the end, we’ll actually end up taking LESS number of meds so that is a good thing. In kids, ADD and bi-polar can look a lot like each other so this could really be a big help for dealing with what might or might now be the ADD situation.

She did her best with the doctor but really just wanted to curl up next to me and avoid it. We talk so much about it being a safe zone where we just talk to help everyone out but it is still hard for her. And in a way that is a good thing - having remorse for your actions is a good sign (versus not caring about your past bad behavior).

We had to cancel her spending time up at her grandparents house in VA at the end of the week and I’m sorry for that. She would have had fun and I’d enjoy the break some too since things have been so nutty. Hopefully we’ll do it later.

I’ve been cross referencing recommendations on therapists with insurance coverage - a truly not fun thing. I’m going to start making some calls to see what will work out best. Even if the meds help, I do want her to have someone to talk to and work out her feelings.

Father’s Day

It is a crappy cellphone photo under some bad light but you can see their cute matching daddy/daughter shirts I got them:

Rage on..

We are trying hard to mitigate these rage cycles. They start over nothing important and she can’t seem to stop once she gets started. We’ve talked a lot afterwards and she cries as she apologizes and clings to me. She tells me she can’t stop.

Monday has us going back to the psychiatrist to work on her medications. I’ve talked to her former therapist, about finding a new therapist to handle some more therapy. I love her, she is one of the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. She is a fantastic therapist with a refreshing sense of humor and great way of working with kids (and parents). I could never do her job.

She listened to me choke up and blubber out what was up for an hour and we aren’t even a client of hers anymore. Of course, she faxed me names of therapists and more info, told me books to get and even sent a book for Hayley to read which arrived today (The Storm in My Mind).

Most of what she does is just listen and let people vent, cry or whatever they need to do. Then she helps you focus on where to go from here. I knew some of what she was going to say and of course, she wasn’t saying anything for sure, just trying to direct me towards what to look for in terms of more resources. It wasn’t a shock, I’d heard that it was a probable diagnosis from the psychiatrist and matched up the symptoms in the books I’d read.

We aren’t rushing to it, I find diagnosis of a specific mental health term can be limiting. No one medication can help with all problems. A diagnosis can help you categorize a group of symptoms, give a doctor an idea where to start but you still have to treat the PERSON, not the term. Medicine can’t solve it all anyway, we still have to help her LIVE, help her thrive as a person with the medication.

Bi-polar. Bi-polar. There, I’ve said it. That is what I suspect she has. She is already taking a medication that has some efficacy with that but I think we’ll have to change the quantity or type. Some of you mind not like labeling but that isn’t what I’m doing. I want to get her the best help we can, we are pursuing medical management, therapeutic and life adaptations for this. We intend to approach this as holistically and with as much respect for who she is as a person, with as little medicine as we can give her to help her be the person she can be.

In a sign from the universe, a wonderful teenager Hayley and I love, recently told me that she has ADD and bi-polar, which is what I suspect will be Hayley’s diagnosis. She is a well adjusted normal teen with friends, she is bright, athletic and sure of herself - and comfortable with her mental health enough to share and even offer to talk to Hayley about taking medicine. She was diagnosed at the exact same age, even in the same class with same teacher that Hayley had this year. I exhale when I think of this young lady and I hope we can do for Hayley what this young lady’s parents have done for her.

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To my friend Jen, thanks for posting your kind thoughts. I wish the best for you and Noah!

Her two mothers …

I did want to say one thing that I’ve been remiss in posting. I’ve been having nice conversation with G, Hayley’s birthmother. I think she knows I’m not out to get her and once she understood the game plan - directly from me - she seemed to be a lot more relaxed. I’ve told her that we are both her mothers and nothing will change that.

We’ve had some good parenting conversations as well. I found myself being way too preachy in one of them and told her to feel free to tell me to shut up because I get to rambling and I really wasn’t trying to insult her in anyway. She quickly told me that it was helpful to know the stuff and it was good stuff she could use with the daughter she is parenting who has the same demeanor and energy level as Hayley.

G followed all the guidelines we set down and really stepped up to the plate. She has been great about respect boundaries, which was my concern in general with all birthfamily issues. We are moving along in our plans but Hayley’s issues right now might slow things down because it is a lot of stress on Hales but at least they are talking and can easily reach out to each other, both ways. G is trying and I have to give her credit for that.

Anger, from both of us.

Tonight I am mad.

MAD

I am mad that this child has so much pain in her heart.
I am mad that this child has been exposed to such anger and violence.

Our sweet child’s rage cycles have returned. I know with changes in her life, it always comes back. She didn’t make a soccer team and she is repeating the year, plus the school year has ended so she is unfettered right now. I had her in a basketball camp but pulled her out because I felt she needed time to decompress, time to run around the neighborhood and be a child, to hit the pool, to shake out the willies.

It seemed to be helping until tonight when she lied about something, which followed a lie at swim practice last night. Then the mouth started up and she back talked me. I told her she would not be going to swim team practice and she was grounded. I stayed calm and collected but she went off. She spiralled quickly down into plummeling me, slapping me, stratching me. It was off the charts.

I have never hit this child. I have loved her with all my heart and I will always. I am the most consistent person I could be with her. I never make a promise I can’t keep. We sleep with her snuggled between us. She is our heart.

I walked through a downpour to get to her Tuesday night, soaked to the skin and cold, with rain hitting my face so hard it stung - all because I knew if I wasn’t with her during a storm, she would cry. I’d do anything for her.

But she has to learn to respect adults and authority. She doesn’t trust, she has been failed by adults too much already. But we pay the prize, we dredge through the pain and suffering of this angel, trying to save her. Trying to give her a normal life.

I am mad that her childhood was ripped away. I am mad adults have failed her. I an mad I have marks and lumps on my arms from the beating. It breaks my heart when she crawls up on me after, crying and telling me I shouldn’t love her, that she is so sorry. I hate that she can even have the idea that someone could stop loving her. I never could, I never will.

We are doing the right things - checking her meds, considering going back to therapy, trying to grasp what is the root of her upheaval right now. And this too will pass and we won’t waive from our love and dedication to her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to be mad as hell.