Glide

After an absence of many months, we had been getting weekly letters from Hayley’s birth mom for about six to eight weeks but they seem to have stopped for the past month. Weekly was a bit much for Hayley so I would read them every two weeks if she was up for that, sometimes she isn’t.

Soon we need to set up a playdate with her half-sister R. The last one was a series of cancelled meetings - the most recently because I was sick as a dog for ten days. Now we have run into basketball post-season and outdoor soccer which means our lives revolve around a bracket and schedule.

Lately Hayley doesn’t want to talk about adoption much. She doesn’t want to listen to news stories on adoption either. She has emailed some with birth family members and doesn’t mind talking about specific people in her birth family but she doesn’t want to deal with the concept of birth family right now. I’m giving her space and respecting that at times she might not want to talk about things but she knows she can talk about it openly with me and we’ve got photos of people in her room and our library.

Maybe everyone is taking a small break - the natural ebb and flow of relationships. We all fought so hard to get to this point - which is a very good point in most respects - that everyone now just wants to glide for awhile.

Soccer girl

originally uploaded by michelle hillison.

Outdoor soccer games started again this weekend. Five seasons with the same team, so many of the girls have become her friends.

Soccer was the first activity we started her in, just two months after she arrived in our home. I was so tenative to tell people and the few that found out could not believe how bonded we were already. I was worried I was an interloper in their mother-daughter world.

Over the years but showing only recently, she has learned the joy of teamwork in a way her other sports have yet to be able to communicate. It was been wonderful to watch her out on the field this past game, trying to set up plays. She’s a great point guard and I think we are seeing the overlap now in soccer with wanting to diagram each situation. [I hope this translates to school and she wants to set up a game plan there too!]

The team played hard with the seven players who could make it. In 6v6 soccer, when you have seven and the opponent has 12, the result is usually pretty grim. However she had three lovely shots that just didn’t connect. They lose a lot but that’s ok. She takes her queues from us and if we don’t get upset, she’s fine.

I’ve take a huge step back in terms of how I act at the games. I’m quieter and more positive. I don’t push her, I can’t make her love sports like I do, I can just expose her to them as they were to me.

[And on this lovely Sunday, a hearty Tar Heels chant. Gimme a U, Gimme a N, Gimme a C... GO Heels GO!]

how good can repetition be?

Hayley’s very excellent school wants us to consider repeating this year (third grade). She has ADD and is always just a step behind when it comes to really processing things. This came up before but we’ve said no because we just felt like she needed to press forward.

We took steps to help her catch up and stay on level. She has a one on one reading tutor who is a teacher in the school system and is in a math program (Kumon) ( a combined $240 a month) Plus I supplement on the weekends or slow nights to help go over concepts as well as more reps.

Basically she is on reading and math level too but she can’t always independently express this stuff according the school. She is on level enough not to qualify for extra assistance in school - she did last year. A social butterfly, she has tons of friends and likes school.
Many organic signs point to repeating for HER benefit - she was premature, born to a young mother, eventually placed in foster care after abuse and neglect. She missed a lot of early educational routines and learning while she going through hell and back. Physically she is always one of the smallest in the class outside of a very diminutive Asian girls.

We’ve also been to pediatric neurology and education testing group for two full evaluations (in 05 and 06). Her IQ is fine and places her in a group that would be expected to be able to go to college. She does has ADD and she has a not uncommon speed processing issue. She has a psych to handle medications with also has a very low dose of an anti-depressant. Her active therapy with a specialists who deals with adoption and other related issues has concluded because she was doing so well dealing with the issues in her life.

I don’t want to break her spirit. I don’t want her to have to explain all of this to friends and get teased. It breaks my heart but I think academically it is the best call. She is getting so tired of having to struggle and we can see we are starting to lose her in terms of school, etc.

I’m tired of the hassle too. I want learning to be fun. Tonight is a great example of us playing a math game for fun and not having either of us upset. My husband and I are both book and history nuts, college educated and grad work (he’s a CPA, my grad program is on hold since she came). Education and learning is a big deal in our world and we want to continue to share those experiences with her.

Part of me wishes this decision wasn’t on us but that’s what parenting is about.

baby showers

I hated baby showers since I was trying to conceive. It just seemed like a cruel joke that everyone else got to get pregnant - some by mistake and I had to buy them a gift! I think what upset me most was the feeling of failure, like my body was an out of control vending machine. Maybe it was the questions - ‘oh you’ve been married since 98, when will you have a baby?’

I know that no one meant to hurt me, they just were including me in the mix. I wanted so badly in my heart of hearts to be the one the shower was for, to be the one talking about names, due dates, symptoms and nurseries. Instead I was the one getting shots from my husband, have horrible ultrasounds all the time, going through the monthly defeats my body dealt me.

Not long ago, we went to a shower for a friend. It was small and comfy, and we could bring our kids so we had a great time. For the first time in so long, I was happy to be going. I found myself in a toy store just thrilled about the shower, buying things left and right. It hit me later - I was going to the shower as a member of the moms’ club, not the outsider.

I used to seeth with anger at some people for having babies. Even if they didn’t deserve the animosity, I certainly was sure I deserved the baby more. But this time I wasn’t even jealous of my friend soon to have a baby. I would have loved to have had Hayley as a baby but only Hayley, not any other baby.  I wouldn’t make that trade.

I realized this shower helped me with a lot of healing, with understanding how far I’ve come to putting my heart back to get and how much I love my little family.

swimming upstream but i’ll make it

The past 48 hours has been one of those series of days when the tide has been against me. I feel like I’m swimming upstream. Too many commitments to fulfill, a headache, two dogs needing surgery for over $2,000 (who even knew dogs has ACLs to tear), parent teacher conferences, soccer, my mom’s upcoming 60th birthday, school issues, work issues and more. I cried several times just as a release

Tonight I was beaten down and tired. I dragged Hayles out to dinner because I was too dead on my feet to cook. I surely love to eat but this was more about just filling up than enjoying it. It is hard not to chuckle with her so we did have fun.

Jeff was away at his CPA review and came home about 10pm. Hayley had fallen asleep in my arms about 9pm and I managed to move her to the couch about 9:30. She slept through his coming home, eating dinner and watching the news. But the minute he scooped her up in his arms, she woke up enough to wrap her arms around his neck and smile because her daddy was home.

Moments when he’s got her in his arms make me fall in love with him all over again. There is something so strong and manly about a guy carrying a little girl in pink pjs with a pink blanket wrapped around her. He is the protector of her - he’s my protector too in many ways. I love him more today than I did when I married him.

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I need to continue to remember the good things and allow them to guide me in making my decisions for the future.

What to do…

The question of the day is do I move all my old adoption blog stuff into this blog in order or not? I’d love to try to back date all of them but the WRAL move might have screwed all the dates up. I can try to match it with my personal journal but it could be a horrible mess.

I’m considering at this point just making free pages of the background adoption stuff. Food for thought!

[b][update: I'm moving them over in order but doing some free pages too][/b]

Hello hello hello

I’ve bounced around some and this is going to be my newest spot. Bear with me while I move stuff over from my old blogger site that got converted to WRAL’s site, which just doesn’t have enough options for me. I like the tweaking part, what can I say!