moms, part I

For a lot of reasons, Hayley hasn’t spoken to her first mom G since the fall of 2004 since they spoke at her goodbye meeting after the TPR was done. They exchanged cards, letters, gifts and emails but that was the extent of it. I knew G was not happy because other people were getting to talk to and in some cases see Hayley.

The levels of contact with Hayley are something I manage very closely, with input from her former therapist, her psychiastrist and others. Then I talked it out with Jeff and sometimes even my mom about the impact, etc. I have a very specific plan and guidelines for contact, we call them ‘baby steps’ and even Hayley understands them.

Until more recently, I didn’t think Hayley was ready for that and her therapist agreement. Plus her birth mom wasn’t taking advantage of the options she DID have to contact Hayley, so adding more wasn’t something I was going to do.

Last year I send her first mom a tough letter about what she needed to do to be a bigger part of Hayley’s life. It was pretty harsh but it was valid. It was about having regular consistent contact with letters or emails, about what was acceptable to talk about and what needed to happen. At the same time, other people in G’s life were telling her the same things - people who had already established that they understood the rules of contact.

G really took it to heart and her response was excellent. Regular acceptable letters started coming and Hayley was really happy. It made me happy too, I even sent G a gift certificate to shutterfly.com so she could print more of the photos off our website - just sort of to encourage the good direction.

After about four months, I knew it was time to consider where to go with this. Could we step up the level to phone calls? My #1 guiding principle is HOW WILL THIS AFFECT HAYLEY? I decided to think hard about it, talk to my support system and watch for signs.

The biggest sign was a call from school on Wednesday that she loved me but missed G too and she was sad. I think it was over birthday party planning stuff but I’m not sure what triggered it. She has never done that before but I was glad she feels she can express herself honestly to me about G and that she can express her feelings in general!

I have a lot of conflicted feelings on several levels. I don’t want to share her but just by her existence in this world, I must. I supposed I could have been one of those mothers who pretended our daughter wasn’t adopted or ignored her birth family. But we’ve allowed everyone else into her life from her birth family except her first mom after they’ve agreed to our terms.

On the other hand, I cannot imagine how G must feel knowing her child is in the world and she can’t reach out and touch her. I will never know her role in what happened to Hayley. I thank her for carrying and keeping Hayley but so many other things happened to this child that I can’t understand.

My mother says I have to stop thinking that everyone in the world thinks and feels like I do. I may be a tough cookie but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry at the drop of a hat. Emotions take a toll on me.

I talked to Jeff and we felt like G had done what we had asked her to do and this was the best thing for Hayley. So I picked up the phone and called G to talk to see if we could set something up.