I had a horrible dream that we had lost Hayley back into foster care and she was missing in the system basically. That somehow when she was still a foster child, she had gone for a visit and on the visit, they decided someone else should be her parents. I was fighting with social workers and then driving around some rural community trying to find her. None cared. Files were missing. Doors were closed to me. My lawyer friends weren’t answering their phones. It was terrifying.
We were lucky in the real world, she came to us with a TPR already so we never had that time of uncertainity once we met her. We had to go through a rough selection process but that kind of thing is my forte and I enjoyed the challenge (former debater/poli sci major). I’ve been involved with politics and government, so I know how to manage things.
So here I am, in this vivid dream watching some old house to see if she is inside it. I don’t even know what I would have done at that point. She was stuck in some bureacratic nightmare that I could not save her from - something doubly frustrating to me. I could not manage this situation.
I awoke drenched in sweat but very glad she was next to me hogging all the covers. I laid there, rubbing her head and I tried to sort out what this was about in the present.
Aim I afraid that I can’t manage her future? That no matter how much I plan things out, that life will go it’s own way no matter what?
Is this my attempt at subconcious empathy for her birth family? A complex situation there but no matter what I cannot imagine the horror of losing a child to the DSS system. Guilty or innocent, to have a child lost from you to the bureaucracy must shatter you.
Hayley rolled over and slung herself under my chin. She’ll stay there about a minute and then flay out, still gripping me. She opens her eyes and says Momma and does her funny voice and stretch we call ‘baby pterodactyl’. I snuggle her up in the blankets and we doze some more before school. Maybe her opening her eyes and saying Momma is all the answer I need. That I am her mother and losing her would break my heart, however it happened.
March 21, 2007 at 9:54 am
I have followed your blog for a few months now astonished at all of the feelings, reactions, concerns, hopes and dreams we have in common. This never rang so true until this entry. My husband and I have been foster parents for the past three years. Last year we adopted our foster daughter and just five months ago we adopted our son. I have also been tormented by the dream of being forced to give my daughter back to DSS. It creates a freaky sense of empathy for the birthmother but extrodinary craziness and panic for me. It is also one of those dreams that while you are having it your body feels asleep but your mind fully awake, trying to problem solve and make things go back to what they are suppose to be. Thank goodness the morning always comes and my daughter is always right where she is suppose to be. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. Take Care!
April 10, 2007 at 12:48 pm
i’ve had similar nightmares myself - they are the cause of most of my sleepless nights.