My friend on Dr. Phil

My dear friend Jenna, who writes the blog Family Living, Hatfield Style is going to be on Dr. Phil soon talking about unethical adoption issues. She is a birthmother with an open adoption with a great family, who I’ve gotten to know some as well online. Jenna is frequent commenter here as well as our personal private blogs. She has been a sounding board for me in opening up our adoption. Whenever I need an alternate perspective, she gives it to me unvarnished. She is the first birthmother I knew enough to ask blunt questions. Her pain and honesty have made me consider things I really wasn’t prepared to deal with in my mind.

Adoption is such a hot button issue these days - think of the cases we’ve had just here in the Triangle with the Needham twins abduction to Canada, the death of the adopted little boy from foster care and the death of the adopted Russian child. These cases have made people think about adoption.

In the past, the perception of birth parents was often wrong. Much of America had such a lousy opinion of birth mothers; it is getting better but people like Jenna are going really help people see birth parents in a new light. Some people harbor fantasies about birth mothers - they either want to beleive that they are a smart lovely 16 year old who make a single mistake with her nice boyfriend, or they think they are cruel, heartless and drug addicted women. Jenna is neither of those but is closer to the former as she is a wonderful woman living now a happy life. After placing her daughter, she finished college, got a good job, got married and had another child. She’s a charming and smart woman who stays in touch with her daughter and adopted family. She is present in her daughter’s life.

Some of the people who are against adoption rave on and on, generalizing problems in the industry as more rampant than they are. Thank goodness we don’t live in a time with the true evil adoption agencies of the past that stole, coerced and did whatever they wanted with no records. However there are still cases where the agencies involved haven’t handled things in a way that protects everyone’s needs. And that is what Jenna is going to talk about on Dr. Phil. She is going to wow everyone and it will help really educate the general public.

I support open adoption discussions becase adoption is not perfect. Changes need to be made to several parts of the process and options made available. A woman should never be coerced into adoption. Women should have counseling offered to them, time to make decisions and access to the resources to make that happen.

However I still think adoption is good and I have faith in people that adoption can be reformed and emerge in a form to protect threchild, birthmothers and adoptive parents alike. My adoption was ethical and I’m comfortable with how it was all handled. Everyone should have that feeling - all three members of the triad.

Roller coaster ride

Sometimes I feel like this is one big roller coaster ride of up and down. I get relaxed in the middle and wham, a huge change in the ride hits me.

Her abuse is something that will never go away. I know that and I adopted her with eyes open - as open as possible for someone who didn’t experience that trauma. I didn’t have any illusions that all we needed was love. Oh she needs love but she needs so much more like security, therapy, experts, help and time. I know we can prove all of that but sometimes time moves too slow for me.

We had a flare up of some old issues but I caught it very quick and cut it off. I handled what had to be done. Hayley was miserable and crying her eyes out but I did what had to be done to protect her and everyone involved. It can be so hard to sort out what is normal child behavior versus behavior of someone who has been damaged by abuse. I have a great list from her therapist about normal age development and the issue did fall in that range but my radar picked up on something else and I knew I was right. You develop that sort of radar after awhile. It sucks to have but it is completely essential.

It turned out to be another good learning experience for Hayley that we love her no matter what and are here for her. Her tears were done and she was snuggled up with us, snacking on pudding and laughing. We do love her no matter what, I will never stop loving or helping this child.

We go back to the psychiatrist on Monday to address some of the medication piece that should really be able to help her handle things. We do not want her over-medicated but this is a change in direction overall. We don’t make changes without a great deal of thought as well as input from all of her informal ‘team’ - which is everyone that interacts with her on a regular basis.

No matter what, I feel drained even if things are back on the tracks. At least Jeff was so kind about everything, he knows how much emotional impact things have on me.

Opening doors on New Year’s Eve

New Year’s is usually a low key thing here. For the past six or so years, I’ve been working at a three-day basketball tournament between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Three days of 12 hour days and six or seven basketball games back to back will have me running on empty.

So curled up on the couch last night on New Year’s Eve we sat down to touch base with some of our extended family. We had calls to return and make, so we hit speakerphone and got out our call list. Between going to Disney for a week, the holidays and the basketball tournament, we had been gone more than we’d been in it felt like!

We spoke to both of Hayley’s grandmothers and one of her aunts on her birthfamilies’ sides. We missed talk to them after Christmas due to scheduling and then being gone, so it was very important to talk to them and she enjoys it.

One of Hayley’s grandmothers asked if she could three-way call in her birthdad. I froze for a minute. It wasn’t something I was ready to do right then but I knew in my heart that Hayley was ready for the chat. It has been almost four years since she had spoke to him when she was about five. That was one of the few times she had even seen him because he didn’t know he was her birthfather for the first three years of her life.

I spoke to him first about how things should be handled and I knew his mother had done the same. She was shy at first but perked up some, especially went getting to talk to one of her little brothers for the first time. We talked about sports, Disney, school and all the basic things you chat with relatives about on the phone.

She ended the call with saying, “It was good to hear your voice” to her birthdad. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew we’d done the right thing letting her talk to him. I got an email from her grandmother today where she said he called back to talk to her after the chat and cried over talking to her.

I worried about my husband. I’ve been dealing the emotional ramifications of being the ’second mother’ but this was the first real tangible interaction with someone else who was her father too. Jeff is pretty strong emotionally and said it didn’t bother him. He was quick to chime in how great her comment about hearing her birthdad’s voice was to have made. I’ll have to take him at his word it didn’t bug him.