Tough letter

I sent a tough letter to Hayley’s first mom. She keeps weaving in and out of Hayley’s life, which is hard on a small child. Her letters often have inappropriate things in them - things that can place a huge burden on Hayley. I know she means well but those are issues she has to resolve without involving an eight year old.

This all was triggered by a letter to us where she asked if we still want her involved in Hayley’s life. Of course we do and we’ve tried to communicate that! However, I have to be honest that it irked me to get that letter when she hasn’t bothered to communicate with Hayley in four months. That’s a hugely long time for a child, a child who worries already. Her first mom wants more contact but she isn’t even using the contact options she has for now - email and letters. Her focus still seems to be on her loss and needs. I can’t imagine what her loss feels like but it still has to be something she takes care of on her own. I have to think about Hayley’s needs first.

I challenged her to come with a plan that she can stick to in terms of being involved in Hayley’s life. I told her to stop making excuses for things with us. She keeps telling us to send her photos but ignores my repeated messages to her that she can get the photos from the website and that I just can’t send out photos to everyone involved as often as they want. Hence I’ve posted them so they all can get all the photos they want, without waiting for me to even send them! That should be a good thing. I told her she might want to get some counseling to help her work through some of these issues. I said that with the admission that I’ve been to counseling and how great it was for Hayley.

I don’t think I’m super adoptive mother but I’ve tried hard and spend a lot of time on relationships with all of her first families. I’m not trying to demean or push her away, I’m trying to get the message to her of what is needed and acceptable to deal with Hayley. I want her to come up with a plan that brings them together and I want her to stick with that. Hayley’s therapist said I need to be ready if she does come up with a good plan where she does follow all the steps needed. I am ready, I will open things up for her more. I’m not dangling some carrot to be cruel, I’m trying to protect Hayley’s sensitive heart and soul.

I know she might read this and that’s fine. She’s already responded to my email/letter but didn’t seem to get the point of what I’m trying to say. So I hope she does see this and work on a plan to communicate with Hayley more and more.

For those of you who want to challenge me about this and about why other people have more access to Hayley, you need to take into account that this was an adoption through foster care. That things are not the same as an infant adoption. There is trauma, memories and issues to be resolved. The social workers wanted this closed except for contact with her sisters. We’ve opened things up slowly but for us as you go closer to the center of this adoption, we need to go slower and slower for Hayley.

We’ve had a lot of success for Hayley with bringing her first family into her “present” family - they are really just ‘family’ after all. I’ve become friends with Hayley’s wonderful birth grandmother, we talk and email regularly. We hope to see her in the near future. We’ve had two awesome visits with Hayley’s middle half-sister and really enjoy her adoptive parents. We’ve found Hayley’s birthdad and opened communications with him - after four years of no talking. We’ve gotten to meet his lovely mother and sister, and they’ve shared so much with Hayley. I’ve got the website with a constant stream of photos, I post a newsletter there. I feel like I’ve made a very good faith effort to open this adoption as much as is healthy for Hayley.

I want to include Hayley’s first mom in that paragraph of successes we’ve had. I hope I’ve communicated that to her with this letter. My challenge to her is to take those steps.