Today we did Valentine’s Day cards for class and the last to send out to friends and family. I bought cute items to send to her two half-sisters and she helped pick out several cards to send to family. I tried to be low key about it all and let her decide who got what.
Of course that didn’t work because she basically put off everything, not wanting to write all the names for the cards for her class. They are having a big party on Valentine’s Day that ties into something they are studying, so I helped out with a bunch of fun stuff for the party. Once she saw that, I got her in the Valentine’s mood.
She has this stack of cards and asks me what to do with them. We go over the usual suspects and I mention her birth grandmother and birth mother. Her birth grandmother has been very supportive so she was all for sending her a card. However, she was very hesitant about sending one to her firstmom who has been pretty absent from her life due to illness and some reasons we don’t know. I could be snotty and say her birthmom has been MIA because she simply wanted to be but I’m trying hard to not be judgemental - even in my own head.
HH cut her eyes at me and says no, she doesn’t want to send a card. She is looking for a reaction from me. I just stay neutral and say ok. I told her we had a card if she wanted to send it but she didn’t have to. When I seemed to give her permission, she immediately wanted to send it.
She asked me what to put on the card, should she put her birthmom’s first name (for background she usually calls her by her first name or ‘momma’ first name)? I shrugged vaguely and said whatever you want. She cut her eyes to me again and said I’m going to write Mom ok? I smiled and said fine fine.
Yes, it was fine really. Inside my heart stung a bit, part of me wants to be the ‘alpha mom’ and wants her to forget her birthmom. It is a mean thought, I know that. I’m not a saint and I’m not going to pretend I don’t get jealous or have really crappy feelings. I’m an only child who sucks are sharing. I don’t act on them and that is the key. Having those feelings are pretty natural, you just have to get past them and do the right thing.
I know if she has her first family in her life, she will grow up healthier. Having them in her life let’s her really believe that she wasn’t dumped and disregarded, she was placed for adoption because they loved her enough to make the decision to let go. I want her to be a whole person, not one with big gaps in her heart.
She can call her firstmom ‘mom’ and that is ok. Her birthmom is her mom - she gave birth to her and I will always be grateful that she made the choice to carry this child.
Mom is really just a word and every day I grow more confident of my role as her mother and need titles less.
