McCain and adoption

This isn’t about who you are voting for so let’s all take off our partisan hats.

How many of you remember the snotty rumors last presidential election cycle that John McCain had a “love child” out of wedlock with an African-American woman? Oh the horror!

The truth was that his wife Cindy founded a group that organized trips for Arizona doctors and nurses to areas in need to medical assistance - think a Doctor’s Without Borders sort of group for disaster areas. On one such trip to Bangladesh, she fell in love with a baby living at an orphanage run by Mother Theresa - a child that needed more medical care than they could provide on the mission. So she bundled her up and took her home to the US with her, calling John from an airport to tell him he was about to having another child. Their daughter Bridget is now going on 17 and like most of the McCain children, kept away from the press for their privacy.

Bridget wasn’t the only child Cindy McCain got involved with - she shepherded another child from the same orphanage to be adopted by a family friend.

I won’t even get into the insanely bigoted ideas involved in all of this. It is too sad to even hash out. McCain has been honest and open but understated in terms of coming out swinging. He tends to be protective of his children’s privacy, which isn’t a bad thing in this day and age.

I’d sure like to see him and his wife be more vocal if his daughter feels comfortable with it at some point.

I found a
great interview with McCain on adoption that had some interesting excerpts on the topic:

On the rumors
There were some pretty vile and hurtful things said during the South Carolina primary. It’s a really nasty side of politics. We tried to ignore it and I think we shielded her from it. It’s just unfortunate that that sort of thing still exists. As you know she’s Bengali, and very dark skinned. A lot of phone calls were made by people who said we should be very ashamed about her, about the color of her skin. Thousands and thousands of calls from people to voters saying “You know the McCains have a black baby” I believe that there is a special place in hell for people like those.

On the adoption process:
They were very intrusive. Unfortunately it is a disincentive to some parents because it’s so much easier to go overseas. And that leaves us, in this country, with thousands of children who want parents and thousands of parents who want children. One of the goals I’ve had for a long time is to try to encourage a much less convoluted process in order for parents to adopt a child.

On Bridget:
She has enriched our lives. She’s a wonderful child, a complete part of our family and we love her.

Children’s Home Society

I love the adoption agency we adopted from, Children’s Home Society. On their list of waiting families is an interracial gay couple. It pisses me off every time I hear someone rant about gay people adopting. Gay isn’t a virus, they can’t pass it to kids and they aren’t indoctrinating kids as I heard one opponent say.

Foster kids need homes. If you are stable, kind and can be a good parent, welcome!

And don’t kid yourself either, there are a percentage of gay, bi or questioning teens that could have their lives saved by a gay couple. The suicide rate for GLB teens higher than the regular teen rate and healthy, stable role models could make a massive difference in a child’s life.

If you find what I’m saying offensive, I’m sorry that you can’t embrace diversity.

If you object to gay couples adopting, then step up to the plate and you adopt.

Great video on family who foster-adopted three abused children

VIDEO: Four-Years Later: Twins Found Caged Like Animals Now Thriving

Adoption law change in NC

I’m just passing this on for those of you in NC about the new law about connecting adoptees and birthparents through confidential intermediaries that goes into effect January 1, 2008. It is being set up to be run through adoption agencies and I just wanted to pass on info on a very trustworthy agency (Children’s Home Society) that is already taking information for people so they can start the process as soon as the guidelines and start date begin.

The NC General Assembly has recently passed legislation that will allow licensed child placing agencies to act as confidential intermediaries for adoptees, age 21 and older, and birth parents who wish to provide updated medical information. If both parties want additional information or possible contact, then identifying information can be shared with mutual consent. In addition, a licensed child placing agency may agree to act as a confidential intermediary for the adoptive parents of a minor adoptee to obtain non-identifying birth family health information. The new law becomes effective January 1, 2008.

Guidelines from the State Department of Social Services about implementation of the program will be forthcoming in the next several months. If you are interested in intermediary services, CHS is currently accepting letters of request with the understanding that no action can be taken until after 1/1/08. A fee will be charged for this service but the amount has not been set. You may send a letter stating that you are interested in intermediary services to Post Adoption, Children’s Home Society of NC, PO Box 14608, Greensboro, NC 27415. Please include your full name, date of birth, a copy of your driver’s license or other picture ID, and all contact information including an e-mail address if available. If you are an adoptee, we need your adoptive parent’s names. If you are a birth parent, include the name you were using at the time you received services through the agency.

Excerpt from HB 445:
A child placing agency licensed by the Department or a county department of social services may agree to act as a confidential intermediary for a biological parent or adult adoptee or adult lineal descendant of a deceased adoptee, without appointment by the court pursuant to G.S. 48‑9‑105, in order to obtain and share nonidentifying birth family health information or facilitate contact or share identifying information with adult adoptees, adult lineal descendants of deceased adoptees, and biological parents with the written consent of all parties to the contact or the sharing of information. Further, a child placing agency licensed by the Department or a county department of social services may agree to act as a confidential intermediary for the adoptive parents of a minor adoptee, without appointment by the court pursuant to G.S. 48‑9‑105, to obtain and share nonidentifying birth family health information. An agency that agrees to provide confidential intermediary services may charge a reasonable fee for doing so, which fee must be pursuant to written agreement signed by the individual to be charged. The Division shall establish guidelines for confidential intermediary services.”

http://www.chsnc.org/b_adoption_services/legislation.html

break

I’m taking a break from here for awhile. Things have been overwhelming, sometimes seeming like moves that will create long term progress but sometimes lousy. I’m tired of experts, meetings, psychiatrists, teachers, counselors, trying to find her all the help she needs in all the areas she needs it.

I know we are lucky to have the resources to get her help but some days it seems like a really big bucket that we just add drops. I think I’ve lost my ability to have a voice here for awhile. Writing here was really for myself to get my feelings out and examine them but now every time I get over here to write, I don’t have much to say because I’ve been talking and talking and talking to people.

I edited this from last night because it sounded much more down last night and it wasn’t so much of that, just my general fatigue from advocating.

Therapy

Therapy is well underway. I’m not going to talk about details but we have had some help hammering out the open adoption parameters which we’ll share soon with everyone. It does help to have someone who supports open adoption involved but also supports caution and ensuring the child’s needs first.

We are so lucky to have this therapist back in our lives.

Hayley’s soccer team went to their first away weekend tournament in Myrtle Beach and took second place. It was tons of fun and she not only played well but behaved fairly well too for the weekend.

One game went to sudden death penalty kicks which her team prevailed in. Both teams’ parents were cheering and very passionate but it wasn’t mean spirited. After the game, Jeff and I made a point to yell over to the other parents what a good game it was and they thanked us. After the post-game handshake, our kids do a fun tunnel to honor the other team, which is returned. It’s a nice way to end the game, win or lose.

On the way back home, I was reminded of a story here in Raleigh where parents were banned from soccer matches a few weekends ago, Kids’ soccer league suspends grown-ups. The paper notes that six clashes between opposing parents as well as parents and refs erupted in three separate Challenge-division games. Challenge is the division Hayley plays it, it is the level up from recreation. They don’t mention the age level. She doesn’t play in that particular league but she did in the past and her team plays those teams at festivals.

At the same time I was considering how early we starts kids in sports here. We are guilty of that too. Hayley has played since she was six indoor and outdoor. Now at nine, we’ve moved up to challenge level and are traveling.

I’m not going to get banned from a game but I admit to be pissed off at other parents in the past, even a coach or two. I’ve gotten into one verbal squabble but it was only when a fellow parent had been harassed. I’ve been irked at Hayley for not giving effort. I really don’t care if she stinks but don’t be lazy and ignore your coaches. She was peeved at us for what she thought was criticism at the beach for a less than her best game. It took us awhile to explain to her we were not criticizing her but trying to help her understand that the McDonalds between games with a friend wasn’t good for her playing. She finally got what we were saying and even agreed by the next day. But is it screwed up that I can tell you what my child needs to eat to play well? That I know she needs gatorade before and after but water in behind?

But then again, I let her decide to quit playing the sport I love more than anything - basketball. I’ve let her ride horses, which I never did a day in my life. We just require she play sports, not which ones.

Passion by parents can be great if it supports the child’s desires but in the beginning parents do need to give their kids opportunities to play. In this day and age of early intense training what happens if your kids falls in love with a sport at 12? When I was a kid, sometimes people didn’t start playing a particular sport until middle school.

The fact now is that waiting until 12 would mean that your kid probably wouldn’t make a middle school team. By the time Hayley gets to middle school, she’ll have five and half years of almost year round soccer training. Even a very good athlete would struggle to catch up with a decent athlete who has had years of skill development already.

Which brings us back to the ever so passionate parents. Do you start early and try to avoid burnout? Or do you let your child figure it out on their own but be so behind the curve they might lose interest after facing better kids? I don’t know the answer, I suppose it is up to each parent.

I believe in sports. I believe in the lessons it can teach kids. Kids who play sports are healthier and less lucky to drop out of school. For children with ADD, sports can be a huge help in allowing them to runoff energy.

I think I’m just rambling here, trying to find the middle ground. Many of my posts are my way to work out things in my own noggin.

For the joy of books

For the first time she has picked up a book and genuinely enjoyed reading it - not wanting to even stop. She is happily reading Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein. She’s got good taste at least!

Where the Sidewalk Ends and all the other Silverstein poetry books were ones I loved as a kid and still can recite parts of the poems from the book (Sarah Sylvia Cynthia Stout would not talk the garbage out, which was my favorite).

She wants to read so many of them and loves making sounds or using her voice along with them. We are just laughing our butts off at them.

One of those nights

She has this internal anger that is very hard to control. Her first reaction to many things is violence. I fear she saw too much of it before and still in her subconscious reacts without her even thinking. She has never been hit once here but she still reacts with such escalated anger.

Tonight she hit me, bit me, scratched and sprayed a chemical cleaner at my hand, which was covering my face. This was actually something going on with her and Jeff over a mess she had mad but so much of the physical violence is directed at me as is typical in children with her issues. We don’t flinch but it is unacceptable to harm me. She begs for me when she is angry, sits on me crying and seething. She says she’s done nothing but when I tell her I love her always however I won’t reduce her punish or absolve her, a switch can just flip and she’s furious again. We all know she did things - it was only five minutes ago she was harming me. She may hate it but deep down she is begging for boundaries and limits.

She always feels horrible after, always just wants to be held and cries. She begs for forgiveness. We continue to work on her learning to identify her feelings, express feelings with words and find other alternatives to violence. She isn’t violent at school and she has been less and less violent over the past four weeks, so I know she can make headway on this. I don’t expect her anger to just be *gone* but I worry about this cataclysmic violence.

I’ve been reading several books again that were helpful and some books by the same authors (more Love and Logic books and their connected authors). I’ve got my reminders need by on how to respond to things and I’ve been feeling really good about how I’m dealing with things - doesn’t mean the outcome is always good. This is about management, not erasure. This is a journey, not a sprint.

I’ve gotten two goodnight hugs and a small chipper voice just told me goodnight again from the top of the stairs. I think she just wants to know I am still here. I am still here.

Educating

November is National Adoption Month and I try to do something positive each November. This year I decided to approach a guidance counselor at Hayley’s school about educating the teachers about positive adoption language as well as some of the educational challenges that adoptees can face in the classroom.

One teacher asked me why Hayley’s mom get rid of her - ahh, no one got rid of anyone.

Another asked where is her real mom - Gee, I’m right here and her first mom is a couple hours away. We are both real.

A teacher once told me he didn’t know how to deal with a project problem that I challenged him about because it didn’t have anyway for us to include her birth family in it - to his credit, he took my suggestions and changed the project

The same teacher said he’d never had a student who was adopted in his class in the seven years he was teaching. I told him I was sure he had, he just never had a family that was this open about it. Three kids in that very class turned out to be adopted - and one of the mother who adopted mentioned it because she saw stuff about Hayley’s birthfamily in her project.

My goal here is for teachers to be more sensitive to adoption, to use language that respects all parts of the triad and for them to be comfortable with children in open adoptions.

It took awhile but I got a call back from the guidance counselor who said she has run it past the principal and would love to talk more.